A Christmas story
by gizmo8us
Summary: It's Christmas with the Cartwrights. Will Cappie get what he wants this year ? CC of course.
1. Chapter 1

I couldn't even begin to describe what I was feeling. Casey Cartwright's hands moved with hypnotic slowness down my chest, her fingers bumping over each of my ribs individually. Her hands were so soft, like velvet against my skin, and so hot. The warmth was nearly burning my flesh.

Her eyes locked with mine as she slid her arms around my waist and pulled her body into me, her breasts arching into my chest, making it difficult for me to breath, or maybe that was the feeling of her mouth against the side of my neck. Her warm breath skirted over my skin, her lips biting, nipping and licking every inch of me she could get to.

She was pushing at me, walking me backwards until I could feel the soft firmness of my mattress against the backs of my knees. I sucked in a sharp breath as her nails dragged across the contours of my back.

Then I was falling and she was with me, holding to my shoulders as we tumbled for the bed. Just as I felt the comfort of my mattress below me...

I woke with a start, like you do when you dream your falling and wake at the moment of impact, that exact moment when your dreaming mind tells you all your bones should be shattered.

It was her again, haunting even my dreams, as if she wasn't already in my every waking thought. I couldn't seem to get away from her.

Well, beer helped. But only for a while. Then there she was, like she had never left, taunting me, teasing me, driving me over the edge of insanity. Sex helped a bit as well, but again only for a little while. Then there was either the awkward kicking out in the middle of the night, unless I happened to fall asleep immediately after, in that case, it was the awkward kicking out the next morning. But still, sex always lead to me having to kick someone out at some point. I actually preferred to do it in the middle of the night. That way no one was around when I mumbled her name in my sleep, as I've been told, by a number of girls rather loudly, I do.

I sat up and tried to disengage myself from the tangled mess my blue comforter had made around my waist. It was a difficult battle. But finally, I triumphantly pushed it away with my foot.

Sleep would no longer be mine tonight. It was as evasive as the woman causing it's departure. This was not something new or foreign to me. I had spent many nights just as I was spending this one, sitting on the side of my bed, head in hands, and the feel of her hands still on me. It was becoming a problem, a serious problem. More importantly, it was threatening the carefree lifestyle I'd worked so hard to build and maintain.

I had to get the woman out of my head. After the ceremony on the lawn with Evan and all his brothers and her and all her sisters, I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her. It was like I could still see every detail every time I closed my eyes. He was leaning into her, fastening that damned chain around her neck like a collar or a noose. I'm sure that wasn't how either of them saw it and I'm equally sure that if it had been my letters on the chain I would see it differently as well, but still...

Maybe the whole thing wouldn't hurt quite so badly if it hadn't been Evan, freaking Chambers. Maybe I could have accepted her being with someone other than me if it was someone that deserved her, but he didn't and I couldn't. Not that my accepting it made any difference at all.

The problem was that Chambers always got everything he wanted handed to him on a silver platter straight from Daddy's bank account. And as much as I hated to think about it, I had my suspicions that he had gotten Casey more because of that bank account than his winning charms. It made me shutter to think that she was really that shallow. I thought I knew her better than that.

I shook my head, no, I knew I knew her better than that. This thing with Evan was so unlike the Casey I met freshman year. We had made fun of people like Evan and Frannie, running around posturing and comparing trust funds all the time. We had laughed and teased and thought it was hilarious that some people had nothing more important in there lives than their money.

But if that was really how she felt, how could she be with him, the king of the posturing, spoiled rich kids ? How could she turn into everything we hated so much ? How could she live with herself after selling out so completely ?

Maybe she had me snowed. Maybe she really was everything she had become and all the times we shared that first year were her lying to herself and me. It was possible, I supposed, but then why ? People like that don't so things without a motive. What could her motive have been for making me fall so completely for her ?

Then the look in her eyes the first time she said she loved me came to my mind in crystal clear, Technicolor color and I was certain she hadn't been lying to herself or to me. She had loved me. She had wanted me. I just couldn't figure out what I did to cause all that to change.

Standing, I stretched as far as my body would let me. The tension easing from my shoulders and back caused a heady feeling and I stumbled forward a few steps. I loved stretching. I loved that almost dizzying rush that happened when all your muscles release at the same instant. The relaxed feeling you get when you return to your normal posture, it was one of the little things that I really loved. And yawning, yawning was great. An all out exchange of good air for bad, a clearing away of the bad things and opening up for the new. Yawning was good, too.

Stretching and yawning, two of my favorite morning exercises. I've learned through trial and error and much strife in my life, that you have to appreciate the little things. They are the things that get us by, day after dreary day.

The little things, the thought made me smile, another little thing I really enjoyed. But the idea brought images to my mind that I wasn't sure I really wanted to examine for too long. The little things, like how Casey liked to wake me up in the morning by nibbling on my ear. Or how she liked to lay out all her clothes for the next day the night before so she could linger in bed just a tad longer in the morning. Or how she smelled of lilac and jasmine when she came to bed due to the lotion that I throughly enjoyed watching her put on. Or the way the moonlight coming in from the blinds touched her cheek and made it glow with a luminescence that I would never be able to forget.

She talked once about rearranging the room, said if we moved things around we would have more space. But I flatly refused. The bed had to stay just where it was. I cherished that image, the one of her sleeping and the moonlight touching her cheek. There was no way I was going to lose that. I never told her why I didn't want to move the bed. She assumed I was just to lazy to want to move everything around. In retrospect, I should have explained it. The fight we had over it probably wouldn't have been so bad if she had known the real reason.

Oh well, chalk that one up to stupid male pride. I chalked a lot of things up to that actually. I always wondered if I had told her what I was thinking every time she asked me, if things would have been different. Especially since just about every time she asked me what I was thinking, I was thinking about how much I loved her, how lucky I was to have her, or how unbelievably beautiful she was.

Yeah, I bet that knowledge might have changed things between us.

But us men being, well men, we just weren't equipped to haul off and spill things like that. I wondered if Chambers did things like that. Told her he loved her for no apparent reason. Let her know that despite the fact that they were standing in an art gallery, surrounded by the most beautiful works of art from the masters of their craft, he couldn't stop looking at her. I wondered if he told her every chance he got that his world was a dark, decimate place before she brought life into it.

Then I wondered if that was how he felt. Did he truly appreciate what it was to have Casey sharing his life ? I was fairly certain he didn't. He certainly didn't act like he did. To cheat on her. How could you cheat on someone like Casey ? How could you even want anyone else if you had her ?

It was her reaction to the incident that really had me puzzled. The Casey I loved would have been outraged, worse than outraged. She certainly wouldn't forgive someone for that. But the new Casey just quietly got her revenge and moved on like the thing had never happened. If it had been me, I'm sure she never would have forgiven me. Hell I'm pretty sure I would have come away from the incident with scars. But not the golden boy, not precious Evan. He was able to disrespect her in the worse way possible and still get to hold her at night while she slept.

Life was decidedly not fair. It wasn't an outlook I normally adopted. I liked to be much more bright and cheerful and upbeat, but lately it seemed the universe was purposely driving this point home for me. Making sure I didn't miss this important message.

Well, universe, guess what ? I got it. I heard this one loud and clear. No need for further demonstration.

As I stepped into the hall and headed to the bathroom for a shower and shave, I seriously doubted the universe was listening. My guess was it wasn't up to me to decide when the lesson was learned.

I turned with my back to the shower head and let the hot water pulsate against my sore muscles. Sore muscles, you ask ? Well, floor hockey was the answer and after yesterday's rousing match, I was feeling the affects of only playing sports seriously a few times a year, beer pong didn't count.

We lost, by the way. To the Omega Chi's of all things and that hadn't exactly put a spring in my step. Did he have to win everything ? Couldn't he just be happy with having the most important thing and leave me the rest, kind of a consolation prize. Not that winning something as stupid as a game could really be any consolation, but it would have been nice.

My other problem was Christmas. It was just around the corner, a week in fact. I had all my shopping done. That wasn't the problem. I was expecting a phone call from my folks, letting me know if they were going to be home in time from visiting some friends of their's in Turkey or Peru or somewhere like that. If they weren't I would be stuck on campus with everyone else going about their vacations, nestled away with their little families, enjoying all the holidays had to offer, while I was sitting around drinking eggnog alone.

It actually sounded like the perfect end to a less than stellar year. I could practically see the universe sitting on high somewhere above, laughing it's collective ass off at my expense.

Going home wouldn't have been that great anyway. I reasoned as I hung up the phone and sighed heavily, later that morning. My parents, not exactly the hallmarks of responsibility.

" What's up ? " Rusty asked coming up behind me and patting my shoulder. He was wearing, of all things, a cap with a sprig of mistletoe jutting from the brim with a pair of huge, elf ears sticking off the sides, and a t-shirt that read, _Wanna play some reindeer games ? _Ah,. My protégées, I had taught him well.

My smile was full of pride as I clapped him on the shoulder and walked with him back to the den where the festivities where beginning. The end of term parties were comencing all over campus. This was our annual Christmas party.

" I see that you're just bursting with the holiday spirit. " I commented on his attire.

" Yeah, I want to have some fun before I go home this weekend. " he announced.

" Going back to Chicago for some fun and merriment with kith and kin ? " I asked. I think I did an excellent job of keeping the jealousy out of my voice.

" I don't know about merriment but their will be kith and kin. " he smiled weakly. " What about you, big plans for the break ? "

I shrugged trying to be as nonchalant as possible. " My parents are backpacking with friends through South America. I guess I'm just gonna hang out here. "

His face was shocked as he looked for any sign that I was upset about this prospect. " Alone ? You can't spend Christmas alone. "

" Believe me, It won't be the first Christmas I've spent alone. " I forced a smile. " And with my parents, bless them, but it won't be the last. "

" But how can they leave you alone at Christmas ? "

" Rusty, my folks do their own thing. I have a lot of respect for them because of that, but it comes with some unpleasant side effects sometimes. " I looked away from his searching eyes. " I'll be fine. I really don't mind. We've never done the traditional Christmas thing anyway. "

We made our way to the worn out, thread bare couch and sat. " What do you mean, you've never done the traditional Christmas thing ? " he asked after a minute.

I sighed. I hadn't really wanted to get into all this, especially not with him. Not that I didn't really like Rusty. He was becoming one of my very best friends and I didn't put many people into that category. It was just that talking about the whole thing made it all more real and I didn't want to do that. I was perfectly happy just pretending like it wasn't really a special time of year and going on about my life.

" I mean, we don't do the tree thing, or really the present thing for that matter. My folks are vegetarians, so we don't kill a turkey or a goose or whatever it is you're suppose to eat. We don't sing carol or decorate the house with blazing lights. " I explained.

He looked completely confused. " Then what do you do ? "

" Well, " I shrugged. " You know, we have a yule log and sit around it telling stories of Christmas' past and about how it used to mean something more than it does now that the capitalist pigs have turned it into an excuse to line their pockets, you know that kind of thing. "

He laughed. " You're joking right ? Now I know you're just putting me on. "

I shook my head. " No that really is what we do. "

" So you've never had a Christmas tree or presents or Santa Claus ? " He really wasn't understanding what I was saying to him.

" No, we never did. " I confirmed.

" Every year, we have a huge tree and more presents than will fit under it and my aunts and uncles and all my cousins come over and Uncle Joe dresses as Santa and we sing carols and eat until we feel like we're going to explode. "

I could practically see the visions of sugar plums dancing in his eyes as he continued on and on about his families traditions.

Okay, there was no hiding it anymore. I was jealous, as hell. It sounded like one of those cards or a Hallmark movie. It was almost disgusting in its utter cuteness.

" You should come home with me. " he announced suddenly.

I sat back and looked at him. My mind immediately jumped to Casey and how much she would not like that turn of events. " No way, Spitter. Casey would kill me before the first round of _Fa La La's_. "

" Casey is going to Aspen with Evan. She isn't going to be there. " he informed me. " And it doesn't matter whether she likes it or not. You're my friend. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to be alone. "

" I'm sure she wouldn't care if I was alone or not actually. But if she won't be there, then she can't have a problem with it. " I wanted to go. I really wanted to experience, just once, all the things he was describing. " I'm in, if it's all right with your folks. "

" I'll call them, but I'm sure it'll be okay. " he said, standing and running for the phone.

Maybe it wouldn't be such a lousy end to the year after all, I thought as someone shoved a cup of lethal eggnog into my empty hand and wished me a Happy New Year.


	2. Chapter 2

One of the things I had always really loved about winter was the smell in the air. The crisp, bitterly cold aroma that told you without a doubt snow was on the way. I loved the way it stung a little, the coldness of it. The way it seemed so clean and new.

Growing up on the west coast, I never saw snow when I was younger. In fact I experienced snow for the very first time in the campus quad, with Casey. It was like a miracle for me. The white flakes floating softly to the ground, clinging to her eyelashes. For the first time, I thought I was witnessing something almost as beautiful as she was. And the combination of the two was beyond words. Her blond hair, streaked with white specks, her cheeks and nose rosy from the cold.

I remembered wrapping her up in my overly large coat and just standing there, beside the fountain, watching with wonder as flake after flake fell to the ground. It was one of those magical moments you never forget, no matter how many years pass, just thinking about it brings it all back to you with stunning clarity. Everything I was seeing, hearing, even feeling was right there as I closed my eyes like I was experiencing it again for the first time.

Snow still amazed me. Covering everything in that blanket of whiteness, the sun glaring off it, making you squint with its brightness. I loved snow. I would never get enough of snow.

Rusty and I decided it would be cheapest for us to drive the ten hours to Chicago instead of fly. So with the three hundred dollars in guilt money my parents had sent, we set off.

Driving in snow, it turns out, is not as complicated as it looked at first. The roads were mostly clear except for an occasional patch here and there. Most of the other drivers were courteous and careful.

_Must be the Christmas spirit_, I thought off handedly.

Rusty was babbling again. I was trying desperately to tune him out and concentrate on the road. He was once again going over the list of people that I would inevitably meet over the next couple of days. He started out with Glen and Marge Cartwright, his parents. Glen and Marge sounded an awful lot like Ward and June Clever to me and I hoped against everything the universe was throwing at me lately that I wouldn't say or do something stupid to cause them not to like me. Glen was a freelance magazine writer. Marge was a high school home economics teacher. I was trying to remember everything as Rusty talked as fast as he was capable of talking. I think a few things were getting lost in the process.

But here's what I did remember : Marge liked to cook, it was her number one thing. She liked to bake to be more precise and she spent most of the holiday season in the kitchen, blissfully baking and singing Christmas songs to herself. Glen liked golf, reading and he smoked a pipe, which Marge hated. They had been married to twenty six unbelievably happy years and Casey and Rusty were the results of their wonderful union. In other words, Casey wasn't hiding any other siblings.

The Cartwright's owned a four bedroom, two story house in the suburbs that Glen built with money he received from a hefty inheritance twenty years before.

Apparently, I wasn't just walking into a traditional Christmas, I was stepping into a Norman Rockwell painting. My nerves were making me feel like I wanted to pull over and heave my guts up. There was no way I wasn't going to screw this up.

" Relax, " Rusty said, seeing the tension in my face. " You'll be fine. They're really excited to meet you. "

" What have you told them, Rusty ? " I asked, casting my eyes to him for a second.

" I told them you were my friend and that you didn't have anywhere else to go. " he explained.

" So that's all they know about me ? " I was a little wounded actually. " They'd never heard of me before you mentioned me ? "

Rusty looked lost for a moment but understanding quickly caught up. " Mom said your name sounded familiar, but that's all. I never heard about you before I came to school. Casey really doesn't talk to us about her life much. She likes to keep private. "

I shrugged. " I just thought she might have mentioned me to her folks. "

" She did. Mom said you sounded familiar, right ? " he told me with an annoying reassuring quality in his voice, and his hand on my shoulder.

I jab at him with my elbow and he ducked playfully. " Yeah, thanks, Spitter."

And he was off again, this time it was the Santa suiting wearing, cursing, drinking Uncle Joe that had his attention. His Father's brother, Joe and Glen didn't get along well. That's the impression I got anyway and the only reason they came together on the holidays was Grandma Cartwright, who was eight-two and still as spry and rowdy as she was in her thirties.

I just grunted occasionally and nodded when it seemed appropriate. It was going to be a very long ride indeed.

We just passed the sign that read _Welcome to Illinois,_ when Rusty finally fell asleep. The ensuing silence was a welcome relief and I sank back against the rough leather of the broken down seat in my piece of crap jeep. Don't get me wrong. I loved my piece of crap jeep. It was paid for and it was mine and it ran. It ran really well. Never let me down unless I wanted it to, at those times it gave a stellar performance as well. I glanced in the rear view and let my eyes wonder over the now luggage packed backseat.

I had enjoyed many, many good times in the back of my jeep. One particular incident came to mind of a night, a lot like the one before me. It was cold and snowing and everything seemed so magical. I have no idea what possessed us or even whose idea it was, but we went for a drive. Just Casey and I and my jeep. She always said she loved the jeep, too. For the first year of school, it was really the only place we could go to be alone, completely alone. The first time we seriously made out was in the backseat, on that cold night where my memories had taken me.

We were huddled together under my coat once again, as a matter of fact, I believe it was the same night of that first snow. She had found some sappy love song station on the radio and it was droning on senseless in the background. Her cold hands were nestled under my shirt, nearly in my armpits really. All I was thinking was please let my deodorant be working. Well, that wasn't all I was thinking, especially since she was practically sitting in my lap, her legs draped over mine in the cramped, tight space. I don't remember what we talked about. It was a combination of a lot of things, I think. But I very much remember it was the first time we said I love you. She said it first, of course. I was so shocked I almost couldn't answer her. I mean I felt it. We had been dating for over a month, of course I felt it and I was pretty sure she did, too. But hearing it out loud was mind blowing. My heart leaped into my throat and as I sat there looking down at her, I couldn't help but kiss her. She was more than willing to kiss me back and I really believe that if I hadn't stopped us, we would have made love right then.

But I knew it was her first time. And it was my first time and I wanted it to more special than that. I didn't want that memory tainted by my smelly jeep. She deserved better than that.

It was a short drive from the Illinois sign to Chicago, but at least I'd gotten a good thirty minutes of silence. I nudged Rusty with my elbow and he woke up and guided me through the city and into the sprawling suburbs on the other side. I was certain that under the layers of snow were beautifully manicured lawns. I could even make out the top of the hats of a couple of garden gnomes as we passed by in the near twilight. It was a prefect neighborhood, settled into the perfect backdrop of a beautiful city filled with twinkling lights.

He directed me right into the driveway of a quaint, two story home, a little smaller than those around it, with a white picket fence and a well worn porch swing. The mailbox was shaped like a house and bright Christmas lights outlined every eave and window. A dazzling array of those same lights decorated a tree standing proudly in a plate glass front window.

Before we even managed to gather our things and remove ourselves from the jeep, the front door swung open and a plump, middle aged woman with her blond hair swept back in a ponytail and wire rimmed glasses came running for Rusty, nearly knocking him down as she pulled him into her large bosom.

" Merry Christmas, Sweetheart. " she gushed as she continued to hold on to him. " I'm so glad you made it alright. "

" Mom, " Rusty managed around her shoulder. " You're choking me. "

I had to chuckle. It was a heartwarming scene and I felt a little silly standing there watching them.

But it wasn't long before she turned her attention to me. " You must be Rusty's little friend. " She looked up at me, being quite a bit shorter than I was. " Well, I guess you aren't such a little friend after all. I'm Marge. You must be Cappie."

I held out my hand to her and she ignored it and hugged me as well. I was very uncomfortable, not knowing what to do with my hands, so I made to sort of pat her on the back and sighed in relief as another voice from the door caused her to let me go.

" Marge, For Christ's Sake, you don't even know the boy. Let go of him before he decides we're all crazy and jumps back in his vehicle. " A slender man with matching glasses, a balding head and a set of thick eyebrows called. There was no mistaking Glen Cartwright. His son could not have looked more like him.

" I don't understand why you didn't just fly in with Casey. " Marge was saying as she started trying to grab bags out of mine and Rusty's hands. I almost missed it in all the movement, but Casey's name caught my attention.

" Casey isn't coming, Mom. She's going on vacation with her boyfriend's family. " Rusty explained in that ultra patient, complacent way young people talk to older people sometimes.

"Casey's in her room. " Marge said, coming to a stand still. " She got in last night. She hasn't left her room since. I told her you would be here soon and you were bringing a friend, but she mumbled something about jet lag and closed the door again. "

I looked at Rusty and he looked at me and we were both certain that disaster lay inside that house. When she found out which friend he had brought home, all hell was going to break lose.

I cursed under my breath, but managed to hide it behind a cough when Mrs. Cartwright turned to look at me. I did not want to intrude on Casey's Christmas. That wasn't my intention at all. If I had had even the slightest hint that she might be coming home I would have stayed at school where I belonged.

Rusty and I dragged the heavy luggage up the stairs and he lead me to a room at the end of a hallway. As we passed three doors, he pointed them out.

" That's my room. " he gestured to the first one. The next one was the bathroom and the one directly across from mine, was hers.

He told me this with a flinch that let me knew he understood what he had gotten us into.

We went quickly inside my room and shut the door as quietly as possible.

" What the hell are we going to do now ? " I demanded as soon as I knew we were alone.

Rusty was running his hands through his hair nervously and pacing. " I don't know. I didn't think she would be here. I thought she was going with Evan. Something must have happened. "

" I'll just spend the night and leave in the morning. Surely she can deal with me for one night. I'll avoid her at all costs. Maybe she won't even know I'm here. " I offered.

" No, " Rusty stopped and turned to me. " You are my friend and I don't want you spending Christmas alone. She can either deal with that or sulk in her room for the entire vacation. "

" That's a real nice offer, Rusty, but she already doesn't like me. I don't want to ruin her Christmas. "

" What about my Christmas ? Don't you think that it will ruin my Christmas if I know that you're sitting in that huge house all by yourself. "

I stared at him and couldn't keep from smiling.

" Look, " he began dropping to the side of the bed. " You don't get how this family works. Everything has always been about Casey. This house revolves around her. If she has to just deal with the inconvenience of having you here, well then she can just deal. I want you here and I won't take no for an answer. Besides, how would I explain your leaving to my Mom ? She'll think it was something she did. And you'll end up ruining her Christmas as well. "

I couldn't argue with his logic and I didn't want to. So far everything had been so great, I didn't want to leave.

I sat down beside him and patted his shoulder. " Alright, I'll stay. You win. "

Whatever he was about to say was lost in the knock on the door and we both turned our head in unison.

" Russ, you in there, Mom is making me say hi. " Casey called from the other side of the door.

Shit, here we go.

Rusty shuffled to the door slowly and opened it no more than a crack. " Okay, " he told her. " You told me hi. "

" What is your problem ? " I heard her ask.

" Why aren't you in Aspen ? " he countered.

" Oh, so you don't want me here. I get it. Well, you'll just have to deal. I'm here for the entire break. "

" What about Evan ? " he paused. Then added, " You didn't bring him with you, did you ? "

Oh, God, I hadn't even thought of that. If Chambers was sharing the room right across the hall from me with my girl. I was going to take off in the morning. Hell, I might just grab a nap and bolt.

I held my breath as I waited on her answer.

" No, he's with his parents. I'm here alone. Who's with you ? Dale ? "

I watched his shoulders shake as he drew in a deep breath and opened the door wider.

I stood and waved at her as he moved aside.

" Oh, my God. What the hell, Rusty ? " She was practically shrieking and I was sure their parents would be on us any second wondering about the commotion.

" He was going to spend Christmas at the house by himself. " Rusty explained, making me sound like a stray he had found on the side of the road. I kept expecting him to ask her if he could keep me.

She grabbed hold of his shirt and hauled him into the hallway, slamming the door behind him.

I couldn't catch everything that was being said behind the heavy door, but several phrases like, I can't believe you and how could you bring him here, bleed through.

I was feeling worse by the second. I opened the door, prepared to let her off the hook and say I was returning to CRU in the morning.

" Look, I'll go. " I said, when they both turned to me. " We had no idea you'd be home or I would never have agreed. "

" Cappie, " she said, turning to me, " You don't have to leave. I don't want you spending Christmas alone either. "

I was stunned, but I quickly deduced that she was just being nice and shook my head. " I'm not going to ruin your holiday. I know you've had a lot going on with the ZBZ's and all. You deserve a nice Christmas. "

She planted her hands on her pink velor covered hips. " And I intend to have one. "

" With me or in spite of me ? " I couldn't help but ask. If it was in spite of me, I was still leaving. I didn't want to put this nice family through that kind of tension.

She paused while she thought about that. " I think we can manage to have a descent time together, as long as you behave. "

" Behave ? " I asked. " Are you expecting me to try and molest you behind the coat rack in your parent's living room ? "

She sighed, " I never know what to expect from you. "

We all turned as Mrs. Cartwright stepped onto the landing. She looked at Casey. " Well, I'm glad to see you out of your room. " Then she turned to all of us. " Come along. I have an apple pie, I just took out of the oven. "

I glanced at Casey. She looked at me. Neither of us said a word as we followed her mother downstairs.

I could feel her eyes on me. I felt like I was eating under a microscope. Her gaze was so intent it was making me uncomfortable and I squirmed as I tried to listen to her father at the other end of the table.

" This is a great pie. " He was saying.

I was going to agree and thank her mother but Casey's stare kept me silent. What the hell was she staring at me like that for ? I was behaving. I hadn't made not one single comment about the pie. I just accepted my piece with a quiet thank you and sat down to eat. And that was despite the fact that apple pie had been hands down our very favorite.

" Oh, Casey, Dear. " Finally she looked away as her mother commanded her attention. I took the opportunity to sit up a little straighter and take a drink from my glass of milk. " Derek called again. I'm not going to keep putting him off. Next time, you have to deal with him. "

" Alright. I'll talk to him. " she agreed with resignation.

When her folks went back to talking amongst themselves, her eyes returned to me.

" Derek ? " I asked quietly.

" My ex-boyfriend. " she commented.

" Wow, you seem to have a lot of those popping up this holiday season. " I smiled. " Should we be expecting anyone else ? "  
I was kidding. I thought she could tell, she could always tell when I was joking. Under normal circumstances, I was sure she would have laughed. But instead tears welled up in her eyes, and she jumped up and excused herself quickly, making a bee line for the stairs.

I scarfed down the last few bites of pie. Told everyone that I was exhausted from the drive and retreated after her as fast as I could without drawing anyone's attention.

I stood outside her door, knocking as lightly as I could for a good ten minutes. My hand was getting sore by the time I finally gave up and turned into my own room.

As I opened the door, I looked around the medium sized room for the first time. I hadn't really had a chance to take anything in with all the drama before. But now, I saw the maple, three drawer chest standing right inside the door. A small lamp and a book sitting on top. A cozy looking blue chair sat under one of the windows. The queen sized bed sat under the other, covered in a beautiful, handcrafted, blue wedding band quilt. On top of that sat Casey.

My eyes almost scanned right over her. She was so still and quiet, she appeared as part of the furniture.

It was the slightest movement of her hand that caught my eye.

" I have been outside your door begging you to let me in for at least ten minutes. " I told her, coming to sit beside her.

" I didn't hear you. " Her voice was worn, tired and distant. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she was sitting on my bed, but I wasn't going to press my luck by asking.

" I'm really sorry about what I said. I was just trying to make you laugh. " I offered quietly.

She sat up from where she was laying against the jumble of pillows at the head of the bed and I noticed for the first time that it looked as if she'd been doing quite a bit of crying. " Are you okay ? Did something happen ? "

She wiped at her eyes with a tissue she had balled in her fist and took a breath. " Evan and I broke up before he left. That's why I'm here instead of there, skiing in Aspen. "

" Broke up ? " Now I really was confused, and elated, but mostly confused. " Why ? "  
" He seems to have decided I was only with him so that I could be the president of the ZBZ's. He thought I was using him. " she explained, through more tears.

I looked away. I never could stand the sight of Casey crying. It got to me every time. I had to fight against every instinct in me that was screaming in unison to grab her and pull her to me.

I knew it probably wasn't the right time and I was taking a huge a chance but the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, " Were you ? "

I braced myself as the question hung in the air between us. Here she was, turning to me in her hour of need and instead of being supportive and caring, I went and said something bonehead like that. Either Rusty was rubbing off on me or I was hoping she would yes.

Her answer, when it finally came surprised me, " I don't know. I'm more upset about that than breaking up with him. What if I was just using him ? I wasn't doing it on purpose, I swear I wasn't. But I just don't know... " her voice broke before she could continue.

I took a deep breath and moved over to her. Then I took a huge chance and put my arms around her.

I expected her to hit me, or at the very least, push me away. Instead she buried her head in my shoulder and put her arms around my neck.

One of my hands rested against the small of her back, the other in the middle. We stayed like that for so long my muscles began to get stiff. But I didn't move. There was no way I was going to even twitch for fear that it might send her running.

So it was her that finally moved, pulling away from me slightly and looking down, refusing to meet my eyes. " I'm sorry. I just needed to talk to someone. "

" It's okay. " I assured her. " I'm always here for you. "

" I know. " she answered quietly. " Thank you for always being here. "

" Hey, " I pulled her eyes up to mine with a finger under her chin. She reluctantly let me. " I'll always be here for you. No matter what happens between us. I'll always care about you. "

She nodded. " I'm not sure what I'm going to do when we get back to school. "

I dropped my hand from her face. The moment, if there really had been one, was over. We were back in friends mode. But at least that was something. I could hold on to that anyway.

" What you're going to do about what ? " I asked, scooting back from her, giving her the room she obviously wanted.

" Evan. I don't know what I'm going to do about Evan. " she replied, dropping her hands to her lap and staring at them intently.

" Is there a chance you can still talk to him, work it all out maybe ? "

" I don't think so. He was pretty angry. " was her answer as she shifted and moved to the side of the bed, letting her feet dangle.

" People get over being angry. Sometimes they just need time. " I could not believe I was sitting here, encouraging her to try and work things out with Chambers.

" Maybe. But I'm not even sure I want to try and work things out. You know, we haven't really been good for a while now. " Her back was to me and she was staring at her lap again.

" Since the whole Rebbecca thing. "

She shook her head. " No, we managed to work past all that. We were getting back on the right track. Then mid terms came around and things kind of went downhill. "

Mid terms. I thought about that, my mind slipping easily back to the hours we spent working on the paper together, the kiss that I had ruined by opening my big mouth. I have never regretted speaking so much in my life. I remember silently cursing my parents for teaching me to use words at all. But if things had progressed that day the way they were heading, I would not have been able to live with myself knowing that I lied to her. And omission of a truth, is still lying in my book. There was no difference.

I also remembered that that was the week when Evan gave her his lavaliere. My mind jolted back to the scene on her lawn with everyone there and the look she gave me over his shoulder. It was one of the worse moments of my life.

" So what happened during mid terms that changed things ? " I asked, hoping I already knew the answer.

She turned to me slowly and crossed her legs in front of her Indian style. " You know what happened during midterms."

I tried to fight the smile that was threatening to take over my face. It didn't seem like the appropriate response at the moment. " Yeah, but you still excepted Evan's letters. I kind of figured that meant you made your choice. "

" It did, I did. " she stammered, searching for the right words. " I just don't know for sure that I made my choice for the right reasons. I thought I did and I don't want you to get the wrong impressions. "

I was getting all kinds of impressions. I had no idea what she was thinking were the wrong ones though. We usually had a way of understanding each other, but I was totally at a lose and confused as hell. " I'm not sure what you're saying here, Casey. I don't know what you're trying to tell me. " I confessed and she gave an exasperated sigh in response.

" I'm saying that I appreciate you letting me cry on your shoulder. And I appreciate how you're always here for me and I want you to know that I'm always here for you, too. " She glanced at my face, trying to see if I was getting it, but apparently what she was there didn't make her happy because she continued. " I want to try and be friends with you. I miss you. "

I wanted so badly to fall back on one of my jokes, but I remembered how much that had irritated her the last time we talked so seriously so I pushed the urge away and smiled at her instead.

" I've missed you, too. "

" So can we do this ? Can we try being friends while you're here ? " she asked.

" Absolutely. I'm willing to be your friend. " I answered.

She looked at the ceiling then back to me. " Wow, Cappie, I'm really impressed. You just had a serious conversation and didn't make a joke once. "

I looked at her a bit wounded. " I can be serious if I have to. "

" And you feel like you have to with me ? "

I thought about that before I answered. " Sometimes, " I answered, quietly. " Other times, I see you and I think you look so sad, so out of place. I just can't help but want to make you smile. "

She was looking down again, apparently her hands were very interesting, because she couldn't seem to take her eyes off them. " Is that how you really see me, sad and out of place ? "

I came up beside her. " That isn't really the question you should be asking, what you should be asking is, is that how you see your self ? "

She gave me a crocked smile and batted at my shoulder with the back of her hand. " That was very deep, and without the benefit of weed. I'm impressed. "

" Very funny. " I mumbled, once again a little dismayed by her lack of faith in my abilities. " I can be deep and serious. I just don't like to make people jealous by showing off my superior intellect and capacity to understand the human mind. " I answered, smiling smugly and poking my chest out.

" Oh, I see, you put on this ridiculous facade of a stoner slacker for the benefit of those around you. That's very noble, Sacrificing your true self like that, just so the rest of us won't feel bad about our inferior brains. " She mocked me.

" Well, let's just keep this all between us. I'd hate it if word got around. " I teased.

She turned to me, gave me a hug and stood. " I'm going to bed. "

" Already. I was hoping for a rousing game of strip something before you took off. " I smiled.

" I'll bet you were. " she turned back to me as she reached the door. " Cappie, I don't want you to feel like you have to be anything other than who you are when you're with me. "

" Thank you, " I inclined my head in acknowledgment. I wasn't sure that I really believed her but for now, I'd take her at her word. " And I want you to know that you can be however you feel like being when your with me, Naughty nurse, Vegas stripper, Bad school girl, or even just mixed up sorority president who doesn't know what she wants, whoever you choose. I might even be inclined to try the dominatrix, but I think I might have to be drunk for that one. "

She was laughing. It was a wonderful sound. And I felt a great sense of pride at knowing that I had made that happen.

" Goodnight, Cappie. " she called over her shoulder as she left, still trying to stifle her giggles.

I laid back against the pillows. Oh yeah, I thought, it was going to be one hell of a Christmas.


	3. Chapter 3

It was so hot, I couldn't catch my breath. Casey's body was pushing into me, hard and frantic. Her legs moved around my waist, bringing me closer still. Her hands were on my shoulders, pulling at me, her mouth covering mine in a heated kiss that caused my heart to jump into my throat.

Thought was completely impossible, she was everywhere. Her hands on me. Her body against me. Her smell, her skin under my fingers, her hair brushing my arm, her taste, her soft moans filling the air.

My mind was working in monosyllables, want, need, touch.

She dropped her lips to my neck and began to bite at my collarbone. Her teeth grazed, her lips, warm and wet slid over my throat. My hands moved to cup her breasts. They were heavy and so hot they almost burned me.

Then she was reached between us, her hand sliding down my chest, grazing over my nipples in their descent. I gasped and threw my head back. Her hand continued its journey down, down moving closer to the place I needed her touch with a blinding ache that consumed me.

I jerked awake, the unfamiliar surroundings coming into focus slowly. I rubbed at my eyes and tried to concentrate on figuring out where I was. Realization came finally and I rolled over in the big, comfortable bed, ignoring the pounding resonating from my more Southern regions.

Yeah, that was definitely not a friendly dream, I muttered to the empty room as I sat up and inhaled as much air as I could force into my lungs. Pulling my hands through my hair, I stood and went to the window behind the chair.

It only took a moment of fumbling before I managed to get it open and I immediately stuck my head out, letting the cold blast of air cool my heated skin.

I wasn't sure at the moment whether I wanted the dreams to stop or not. It was the fact that they never came to their ultimate conclusion that was really bothering me.

Erotic dreams of Casey, how could I possibly have a problem with that ? It was the frustrating interruptions in the actions of the dreams. Why did I always wake up just as things were really heating up ? I was sure there was some much deeper meaning behind that, but I didn't feel like thinking about it right then.

At the moment, four in the morning, to be exact, I just wanted to sleep. I was so tired my eyes burned. I shut the window and collapsed back onto the bed. My last thought before drifting away again was in the room across the hall.

The steady beating was a distant, far away thing. I couldn't understand what was causing it, but as my sleeping mind become more aware the sound grew more distinct and defined. I finally recognized it as someone knocking at my door.

I got up and answered the door as I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to tame it into something much less scary than I was sure it was.

Casey was smiling at me brightly on the other side, a yellow sweater covering her upper half, a pair of dark blue jeans, on her lower half. Her hair was down and resting around her shoulders like a halo. Her makeup was perfect. You'd never know, looking at her that it was early morning. In her hands she held a tray.

I glanced at the it and gave her a questioning look. " I made you breakfast. " she explained cheerfully.

I had no idea what this was all about, but I opened the door and let her in.

" Did you sleep okay ? " she asked, her voice still so gleeful it made me nervous. Casey was not a morning person. Something was definitely up.

I settled onto the bed and took a closer look at the tray as I accepted it into my lap. " Okay, so you made me an omelet. What's up ? "

She shrugged. " I guess I just wanted to say thank you for being so nice last night. "

" Well, you're welcome. " I answered, digging in and not believing for a second that this was about last night.

She sighed suddenly and stood up, rubbing her hands against her thighs.

Ah, now we'll get some answers.

" Okay, so this guy Derek.. " she started. " Well, he called again this morning. "

" Did you have a nice chat ? " I was clearly weary and she could tell.

" He's coming by later, wants to go ice skating in the city. "

" That sounds fun, do you ice skate ? "

She nodded. " Yeah, it was where he took me on our first date. Anyway the thing is, " she paused to collect her thoughts or maybe to brace herself for impact. " I kinda lied to him. "

My eyebrows shot up to my hairline. " Really ? And what did you lie to your would-be suitor about ? "

She looked down, then back up at me again. " I told him that my boyfriend came home with me. "

My heart leaped, now I knew what she was getting at. Still I couldn't help but make her squirm a bit more. No one looked better squirming than Casey. " You know, I knew someone warned me once about Greeks bearing gifts. "

She put her hands on her hips and got that exasperated look on her face that I really loved. " Yeah, well did they also warn you about biting the hand that feeds you ? "

I laughed. " Touche. " This was the kind of banter that we used to have to between us. It was one of the things I missed most. It seemed like no matter what my sarcastic comment was, Casey had a counter for it. She was so quick-witted. It always amazed me how well she could keep up with me. " I just don't know, Casey, do you think we can really convince this guy we're a couple. Seems like a stretch to me. "

" Okay, " she sighed again. " You've had your fun. Are you done yet ? "

" I'm just not prepared for you coming to me needing a favor. I mean that is really new territory between us. What is it you are offering in exchange for this thing you ask of me ? " I gave her my best Brando impression and it caused her to laugh. Points for me again.

She sat down on the foot of the bed. " I thought me letting you pretend to be my boyfriend for the afternoon was enough in exchange. "

She was smiling, so she was kidding. It was true, of course, but I was glad to know she hadn't changed so much that she assumed letting me touch her was a favor. I mean, I'm desperate but I don't want her to know that necessarily. Beside, humble had always been one of her best qualities. I was happy to see it wasn't gone.

" My, we like ourselves an awful lot, don't we ? I'm not sure there's room for me in this fake relationship. " I countered.

" Alright. " she giggled, " What is it you want in exchange for this favor ? "

I pretended to consider that for a while. Then I looked back at her. " How about we just say that I have you marker ? " I broke into Brando again since it had such wonderful results earlier. " One day, I will come to you, and you will remember this day, and this favor I have done for you. "

Again she laughed, " Thank you, Cappie. I mean really thank you. "

" Hey, " I shrugged. " You bail me out, I bail you out. What we have here is a symbiotic relationship. "

" I guess it is. "

Then she stood and smiled. " Enjoy your breakfast. Do you and Rusty have plans for today ? "

I shook my head. " I have no idea. I just go where I'm beckoned. "

" Well, have fun. Derek is supposed to be here around four. "

" Then I'll be ready around four. " I told her with a nod. Something occurred to me as she was about to leave. " Uh, Casey, "

She turned back to me with her hand poised on the knob.

" I don't have the slightest idea how to ice skate. "

" It's easy. I'll show you. It'll be fun, I promise. " Then she left, closing the door behind her.

I finished eating, grabbed a shower and was about to head downstairs when Rusty finally emerged from his room. He was dressed and looking fresh for the new day, obviously he'd been up for a while.

" Have you had breakfast ? " he asked as we started down the stairs.

I quickly related the events that transpired in my room earlier. I didn't tell him about the night before. I figured it was really between Casey and I, so I decided to keep it that way.

" So, she wants you to pretend to be her boyfriend ? " Rusty asked in amazement.

" Apparently so. "

" Wow, that's really great for you, huh ? "

I took a minute to really consider the opportunity before me. Casey and I would be pretending to be together. She was single. I was single. There was nothing standing between us anymore. I hadn't really thought about that until then. The night before she'd hit me with all the 'let's be friendly' talk, it didn't occur to me I had a chance at anything else.

Casey was everything I wanted out of life. She was all I'd every hoped for, but I felt like I'd finally managed to convince myself that we could never go back to the way things were before. I'd convinced myself, standing on that lawn watching Evan give her his lavaliere that we were through. You wouldn't know that by the dreams I'd been having recently, but it was true. Or at least I thought it was. I knew I still loved her. I knew I wanted her back. Casey was a force in my life that I would never completely overcome. But the reality of having her back was just too much to hope for.

We turned into the kitchen and found ourselves in the midst of utter chaos. It was the wonderful kind of chaos that comes from people carrying on conversations, kids talking too loudly, pots steaming and oven timers going off all at once. It was the funniest thing I'd seen in quite a while and I couldn't stop smiling.

I smiled as I was introduced to Uncle Joe, a middle aged, pot bellied man with thinning hair and a mustache that covered his top lip. I smiled as I met Aunt Gloria, again middle aged, with brown hair that was graying at the temples and a contagious smile that was warm and delightful.

These two were the source of the loud-talking children running haphazardly around the room. Laura and Ethan, ten and five respectively. Laura had that look about her that said she got everything she wanted and Ethan was a front teeth missing, glasses wearing, ball of energy that practically bounced from person to person around the room.

Casey and her mother were by the stove talking amongst themselves. I glanced their way for only a moment before my attention was snatched away by Joe and Glen who dragged me into a conversation about whether or not I thought the Chicago Bears would make it to the Super Bowl. Well, being in the capital of Illinois I knew better than to say no. Really I thought their chances were slim.

It was when I turned back to Casey that everything seemed to stop for me. All the noise faded, all the people just ghostly images. She was still standing with her mother, and I can't believe I didn't notice at first. In her arms, she was holding a wiggling, giggling pink blanket that I assumed held a very small baby. It was the look on her face as she looked down at the squirming pink ball that got me. She glowed. It was like a spotlight was pointed directly at her already beautiful face, defining her features, making her eyes seem bigger, her lips fuller, her cheek rosier. She quite literally took my breath in that moment.

She must have felt my eyes on her because she glanced up at me and nodded with a funny look on her face, which I was certain was a reaction to what was undoubtedly a funny look on my face. I managed a slight wave and inclined my head towards her.

Then like a broken movie that had just been repaired, everything started again, the talking, the laughing, the movement.

The moment was gone, but it was etched into my memory. I knew I would never forget how she looked in that one second in time.

" So do you play ball, Cappie ? " Joe was asking me.

I dragged my eyes away from Casey and let them land on the older man. " I'm not on the school team, but the guys and I have been known to toss a few around in the yard. "

" I played in high school. I haven't tossed anything around in years, though. Maybe when Jeff and Tommy get here tomorrow you can get a game together. " he answered.

" That sounds great. " I smiled, having not the first clue as to who Jeff and Tommy were. I'd find out upon their arrival I was certain. I thought I remembered Rusty saying something about Jeff, but I couldn't remember what it was.

" Russ tells me you and the other guys are trying to teach him to play. " Glen slapped me on the back and winked. " Good luck with that. I've been trying to teach him since he was old enough to walk. Boy just doesn't have the moves. "

" Dad ! " I heard Rusty groan from the corner where he was surrounded by children.

" Actually, Rusty is a fairly descent player. " I told them.

" Well, that's good to hear. I'm glad he's fitting in so well at school. We were a little worried when he said he wanted to join a house. I was a Tri Lam myself in college. But Rusty just didn't seem the type. "

Another " Dad ! " from the corner.

" Rusty is fitting in just fine. He's a welcome addition to the house. " I said, proudly.

" So, Cappie was it ? " Joe asked, leaning in a little closer and I caught a whiff of old spice aftershave.

I nodded with a smile. " That's an unusual name. Is it short for something ? "

" Yes, sir. " I said, without further comment. He gave me an expectant look, but I remained silent, just smiling politely.

" He won't tell any of us what his real name is. " I heard Casey answer as she came up behind me. "No one knows. "

" You like to be mysterious, huh ? I like that. " Joe faked punched my arm and I stumbled a little.

" That's me. I like to keep em guessing. "

I was still smiling like an idiot. Casey had moved to my right side, between her Father and I. She was still holding the baby, which was now, somehow dozing, even with all the noise.

Her father put his arm around her casually and kissed the top of her head. I envied him for being able to just touch her like that. My instinct when she came up was to pull her into my side. Of course that was always my instinct when she came around. I think it was because when we were together, that's how we were with each other. We always had to be touching even if it was in the most innocent way. We had to have some kind of contact with each other.

" I can't believe you got Lucy to sleep in all this noise. " Joe was saying. " We have the hardest time getting her to nap even for a little while. "

" She's a great baby. " Casey answered, looking down with that look again.

I sneaked a quick peak at her, hoping no one would see. But as I glanced back, I caught Glen's eye and something in his return gaze told me he noticed.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and stared down at the black and white linoleum floor at our feet. Great, the man caught me ogling his daughter. That was going to leave an impression.

" I think Gloria and I are just too old to have little ones around anymore. " Joe commented. " We didn't realize it would be this hard when we agreed to take them all. "

I noticed Casey blush and she shifted uncomfortably, as Joe continued. " We can't wait for Gina to get home and take them all back. " He looked up at me quickly. " Don't get me wrong. We love our grandkids. We just aren't as young as we used to be. "

I gave him an understanding smile and looked back at Casey. " I'm going to go put her in the living room and take a walk. " she told her Dad.

" Lunch will be ready in about an hour, Casey. " her mother obviously overheard her and called as she left the room. " Don't go to far. "

" Alright, " she answered from the other room.

Glen and Joe watched her leave for a moment before jumping right back on me. " What are you studying, Cappie ? " Glen asked.

" I'm majoring in Literature at the moment. " I answered distractedly. My attention was still on the living room door.

" At the moment ? " Joe asked with a raised eyebrow.

" Cappie has majored in just about every subject there is to major in, including Physics. " Rusty supplied coming up to us, apparently having disengaged himself from the corner.

" I see, " Glen said with a knowing look that said he suddenly had me all figured out.

I was about to say something when I felt a tugging on my pant leg and I looked down into the little, face of Ethan, who was biting his bottom lip and looking up nervously.

I went down on one knee so I could hear him better. " What is it, Little man ? "

" Mr. Cappie, " he stammered. " Rusty says you're really good at video games. Will you play with me later ? "

I ruffled his messy blond hair and gave him my biggest smile. " I bet you're really good. Do you promise not to beat me too bad ? "

He shook his head and smiled back at me. " I promise. I'll go easy on you. "

" Okay, then, you are on after lunch. " I told him, winning myself a squeal as he turned and ran to his grandma to tell her all about it.

" You just made yourself a friend for life, My Boy. " Joe informed me as I stood up again.

" I just hope I can come away with my pride in tact. He looks like a force to be reckoned with. " I answered.

" You have no idea. " Rusty muttered.

" You boy's have plan for the day ? " Glen asked.

" Cappie and Casey are going with Derek into the city later. " Rusty said, with a nudge to my ribs. "He's going to pretend to be Casey's boyfriend to keep Derek off her back. "

I was stunned. I had no idea how to respond. I didn't know if Casey wanted our little game announced to the entire house, But Rusty had just spilled it in front of everyone.

" That's very nice of you, Cappie. " Marge called from the stove. " I know she's been worried about how she was going to handle him. "

" Actually, - " I stepped on Rusty's foot before he could get the rest of the sentence out of his mouth. I was sure there was going to be something in there about our past and I really didn't know if Casey wanted that to be common knowledge.

Rusty gave me a sharp look and I returned it with a warning one of my own.

" Actually what ? " Glen asked, glancing back and forth between us. This was a very shrewd, very observant man. I was going to have to be careful around him.

" Actually, I was thinking about going along. " Rusty covered, quickly.

" I think that would be nice, Sweetie. You should go and have fun. " Marge said.

I cleared my throat. " I think I'm going to go for a walk myself. I'd like to see the neighborhood. " I announced as I detached myself from the group.

" Don't get lost. " Marge called after me. I could feel Glen's eyes following me the entire way. Yep, I definitely had to be more cautious around him.

The cold blast of air that hit me as soon as I stepped outside was a welcome one, compared to the stuffy, overly warm kitchen. Still I finished pulling on my jacket and scanned the area slowly. I figured she couldn't have gotten very far. But my gaze came up empty. All that greeted me where beautiful, expensive looking houses, with beautiful, expensive looking cars in the drive and a fresh layer of snow on the ground.

That is probably why I was so completely shocked when, from somewhere over my left shoulder, a large ball of snow hit me in the side of the head. I spun quickly, looking intently for any sign of movement.

When I saw none, I began my advance, reaching down to grab a handful of the powdery white stuff, I began to form it into a ball as I went.

The side of the house was close, I took each step in a careful measured fashion, trying to make as little noise as possible. I molded my body against the house and peered around the side as cautiously as possible and was met with...

A howl of laughter, immediately following my second snowball to the head.

Then, as I was clearing the snow from my eyes, I heard running and the clanging of a gate.

Aha, so the little minx was in the backyard. I turned the corner and advanced quickly to the black, wrought iron gate attached to the side of the house. It was latched and I lifted the cold metal, opened the door, and locked it back behind me.

Then I was searching again. My eyes took in the small shed in the corner of the yard. A small structure too covered in snow to make out what it was sat close to the nice sized patio complete with barbaque grill and another porch swing. But I saw no Casey.

The next I knew, I was falling backwards with a fifty pound dog on top of me.

I heard Casey yelling something I didn't understand as I tried my best to dodge the drooling, slobbering tongue of the rambucious canine.

Suddenly, he turned his head to the side and I saw Casey standing behind us.

" Oscar, No. " she shouted.

The dog leaped off, taking his weight from my chest and allowing me to sit up finally. But he didn't go far. He walked to her and sat for only a second before bounding back to me and dropping into the snow at my side.

" Hello, Oscar. " I said, patting his head. " It's nice to meet you, too. "

His tail made a rapid swishing sound as it moved across the ground and I looked up as Casey came and knelt beside us.

" I'm sorry. I didn't expect him to act like that. " she apologized. " He's usually very good. "

Of course, the Cartwright's had a dog. How could the perfect American family in the perfect little house not have a perfect dog running around the yard ?

I scratched Oscar behind the ears and waved off Casey's apology. " It's okay. He helped me out really."

" Helped you out ? " she asked.

" Yeah, he got you out in the open, so I could... " I took the ball I was still holding and lobed it at her chest.

She fell back with another howl of laughter. " I am so going to get you for that. " she warned as she got upright again and took off before I could catch her.

I pursued her across the yard, gathering another snowball as I went. When I got a clear shot as she ducked from behind a tree, I nailed her in the head.

Just as I was about to open my mouth to gloat, she got me with one of her own, right in the face.

" Ha, " she called. " I think that's four to me and two to you. "

" I don't think the first one should count. " I countered. " It was a surprise attack. Completely unprovoked, I might add. "

We were shouting at each other behind our cover, for me it was the shed. She was still behind the tree and Oscar was bounding between us, merrily wagging his tail and barking loudly.

" What kind of dog is Oscar ? " I asked, hoping to draw her out and catch her off guard.

" He's a boxer. He's registered and everything. My Mom studs him out. " As she talked I moved, silently and quickly. Going around the shed and coming out the other side. I had her in my sights as I rounded the corner. Her back was to me. She was staring intently at the place she had last heard my voice, waiting for sign of movement. Any chance to strike.

Oscar was my downfall. He leaped over to me as I tried to come up behind her and she spun, following him with her eyes.

The second she spotted me, she darted, trying to run for cover. I caught her around the waist with my arm and we both went down. Her body directly on top of mine and laughter from both of us.

We landed with a thud on the hard packed ground. Her warm body braced against mine. I felt a sharp jab of pain in my shoulder from the impact but I could have cared less. Casey was lying on top of me, looking into my eyes as the laughter slipped away from her face.

Then I didn't know what was happening. One second she was looking at me, her eyes full of something I couldn't define. The next she was kissing me like my lips were the only thing standing between her and a certain painful death.

Her breath was warm against the cold of my skin. Her hands pulled through my hair, holding me to her. I felt her pressing into me, her body warm and insistent.

It was over as suddenly as it began. She pulled away and manuveured until she was sitting beside me.

" I'm sorry. " she mumbled with her back to me. It was so quiet I almost missed it.

I pulled myself up and put my hand on her shoulder. " Why are you sorry ? "

" I shouldn't have done that. I guess I just got caught up in the moment. " she told me, still refusing to look at me.

" It's okay. You can kiss me anytime you feel like you want to. I didn't withdraw those rights and privledges, you did, remember ? You still have an open invitation." I said.

She gave me a glance and a lopsided grin. " I know, but since I did withdraw those priledges it isn't right for me to use my invitation. "

" What are we doing here ? " I asked, wanting to know exactly what was going on in her head.

" We are sitting in the snow in my backyard, freezing our asses off. " she said.

" Well, okay. That's true enough. "

Obviously she wasn't ready to answer the question, so I didn't push. I was determined to give her time to figure out where her head was.

She twisted her body and turned so that she was looking directly into my eyes. " I have no idea what we're doing here, honestly. "

" That's okay. " I told her, brushing a bit of snow off her shoulder. " You don't have to know. Maybe we can just figure it out as we go. "

She looked away for a moment. I could see her mind working as she considered my offer. Then she looked back. " I've really missed you. "

I wasn't expecting that and I'm sure it showed on my face. " I've really missed you, too, Casey. "

She shook her head, like she was physically trying to clear the thoughts from her mind. " I don't know what I'm doing. " she admitted. " I don't know what I'm saying. "

It was time to lighten the mood. It this went on much longer I was afraid we would lose whatever ground we may have gained. So I scooted away from her as slowly as I could without her noticing, until I was far enough. Then I started balling my hand around a clump of snow.

We sat in silence. She wasn't talking anymore. She was thinking and that didn't usually lead to good things.

" Casey, " I said, to get her attention. When she looked up, I lobed the snowball into her shoulder. "You have a little snow right there. " I laughed and she joined me, brushing the white powder from her coat.

" Okay. I see how we're going to play now. " she announced.

Then she was on me again and for some reason, I couldn't fathom, she was fumbling under the edge of my jacket, snaking her hand underneath.

I realized what she was doing a fraction of a second too late. I howled as her cold hand came into contact with my bare stomach, the contrast between the warmth and the cold so shocking it was almost painful.

" That wasn't playing fair. " I said, with her still on top of me. I was holding her there with an arm around her waist.

Apparently, it occurred to her that I wasn't just being affectionate, because her huge hazel eyes, widened in understanding and she squirmed against me, trying to break free. But she wasn't fast enough and I managed to get a good bit of snow down the back of her shirt before she could move away.

She screamed and jumped off me, her face a mixture of shock and merriment.

" That wasn't fair. " she complained loudly.

" All's fair in love and war. " I said, coming to my feet beside her.

Then she turned to me with a very serious expression. " Which is this ? "

I stepped back. I had no idea how to answer that. I couldn't tell if she was kidding or really serious. I didn't know exactly what she was expecting to me to say.

So I did what I felt like doing, moving completely on instinct. " Both, " I whispered as I leaned in and kissed her.

She didn't object and she didn't pull away. Instead she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me back. It was different from the first kiss. This one wasn't nearly as hot or as insistent. It was just a kiss, but it meant so much more than that. My heart was beating so hard against my ribcage, I was sure she could hear it. For the first time in over a year, I had felt like kissing her and I did it. And she let me. There were no hidden motives now. There was no agenda. It just was what it was, a kiss in the snow between two people who simply wanted to kiss each other.

Her eyes were twinkling as she pulled away. " We should build a snowman. "

I laughed. " A snowman ? "

" Yeah, you remember, like the time we built the snowman in the yard of the Kappa Tau house ? "

" I remember Beaver deciding the next day to make it a decidedly MALE snowman, complete with parts. " I grinned.

" Yeah, well, " she grabbed my hand and hauled me to the front year. " We have children around so no dirty parts. "

" So, what happened back there in the kitchen ? You seemed fine, then you just bolted. " I had been wanting to ask, but I was afraid she'd be upset that I noticed.

She turned to me suddenly. " That was one of the reasons I didn't want you here. "

I took a step back before I noticed that her voice was defensive or angry. It was just as matter-of-fact as it would have been if she was telling me about the weather.

" I don't understand. " I told her.

" I have another favor to ask, and it's kind of a big one, but it means a lot to me. "

I nodded in acceptance.

" It's just that, you're going to hear and see a lot of things that I'd rather everyone at school not know about my family. " she started ringing her hands.

" Like what ? " Now I was really intrigried. Was Uncle Joe on the lamb from the police ? Were there heroine deals going on in the basement ? Was there even a basement ?

" Gina is in rehab, for one. That's why Uncle Joe and Aunt Gloria have the kids right now. " she explained like she was telling me her deepest darkest secret.

I laughed. I didn't mean to, but I was unable to stop myself. " That is the big secret ? You have a cousin in rehab ? So does ninety percent of the school. Hell, half of them have been in rehab themselves. "

" Cappie, " She turned away from me and I could tell that she really was upset. " You know the circles I run in at school. I just don't want them to know that I have... " she trailed off.

" A normal family with problems and real people that seemed to care an awful lot about each other ? " I finished for her. " Yeah, you wouldn't want that getting around. "

She spun back to me, her eyes blazing. " I knew you wouldn't understand. You think everything is no big deal. Everything is a joke to you. "

Somehow we were in the middle of an argument and it was beginning to sound like a very, very familiar one.

" I didn't mean for it to sound like that, Case. I just don't understand. How could you possibly be ashamed of these people. They're wonderful and you're lucky to have them. "

" I know that. I'm not ashamed of them. I love my family. " she countered.

" Really, is that why we dated for over a year and I never got to meet any of them ? Hell, I didn't even know you had a brother until he showed up at school. " Now I was getting angry. How could she not be proud of these people that loved her so much ? How could she not appreciate all she had here ?

" I'm not ashamed. I just don't talk about my family. " she answered, turning away.

" And why is that ? Because they aren't loaded down with more credit cards than they could ever need ? Because they don't live in a mansion on a hill somewhere out of reach by the outside world ? Or because they live in the real world where shit happens and they don't have the money to sweep it under the rug and pretend everything is fine ? Instead they do what families do, they help each other out. They work through the problems together. You have no idea how lucky you are. " I fumed.

She was staring at me wide-eyed, shocked into silence but it only lasted for a moment. Then her eyes took on that look she got when she was intending to hurt. " Of course, here we go. Poor little lost boy, doesn't have a real family, so he has to mooch off his friend's. How long did it take you to talk Rusty into letting you tag along ? "

I was stung. She had landed a direct hit, but there was no way in hell I was going to let her know that.

" I am not ashamed of my parents. My folks are great people. I have all the respect and pride in the world for them. " I said.

" Really, is that why we dated for over a year and I never meet them ? "

I was really pissed now and the words were coming out of my mouth before I could stop them. " You never acted like you wanted to meet them. But then meeting my parents couldn't advance your station in life, could they ? I guess you couldn't figure out how meeting them would help you get ahead. "

I didn't even know what I was saying until I heard the words myself, but then it was too late. Then I was once again cursing my parents for teaching me to speak.

Tears welled in her eyes and she turned abruptly and sprinted to the house. I tried to call after her, to apologize, but she ignored me and went inside, slamming the door behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

I felt horrible. I know I must have spent twenty minutes outside her door, begging her to let me in. It seemed like I was doing a lot of that in the last few days. I was still angry and I probably shouldn't have been standing there yet, but this wasn't how Casey and I settled things.

I didn't know what she did with Evan, but we talked when we had a fight. We worked through it. We didn't beg at doors, we didn't run away from each other.

" What's up ? " Rusty asked, coming down the hall.

" I fucked up again as usual. " I muttered, dragging my hand through my hair.

" What did you do ? "

" I swallowed my foot. I think I might even have swallowed both of them. "

" I'm sure she'll get over it." he shrugged. " Mom sent me to tell you both that lunch was ready. "

I raised my eyebrow towards her door. " Well, good luck with that. She won't answer for me. "

I heard him knock and call to her as I went down the stairs.

Eating was the last thing on my mind, but I couldn't be rude. I took the same chair I had occupied the night before, beside Rusty's chair and tried to smile pleasantly.

" Did you have a nice walk, Sweetheart ? " Mrs. Cartwright asked as she sat a platter on delicious looking ham in the middle of the table.

I nodded politely. " I met Oscar. He's very friendly. "

" Oh, he's such a big baby. I should have warned you that he was in the backyard while I was cooking. I guess it's a good thing he likes strangers. " she laughed pleasantly.

Rusty came into the room followed by a gloomy looking Casey, but as soon as she stepped to where her family could see her, she plastered on that fake smile that I hated so much and took her place across from me.

I refused to look at her even though, once again, I could feel her eyes on me, staring a hole through my chest. When I did chance a glance up, I catch Mr. Cartwright's eye. He was looking quickly from her to me and back again. This man didn't miss anything. Somehow I just knew there was to be a very uncomfortable heart to heart talk between us. I wondered if I could avoid him for the entire two week vacation. I seriously doubted it.

Casey chatted with Laura who was sitting on her right and Aunt Gloria on her left, but I felt her eyes almost constantly resting on me.

" Rusty tells us that Cappie is going to help you out with that Derek situation. I'm glad you found a way to handle that. " Marge called from the other end of the table.

Casey looked at Rusty then back to me. " Yeah, wasn't it nice of him ? " If I didn't know her so well, I wouldn't have heard the underlying sarcasm in her tone, but I did know her that well. And I heard it loud and clear.

" Well, I think it's a wonderful idea. This way you can make sure he knows that he doesn't have a chance without hurting his feelings. He is such a nice boy. " her Mother continued.

" You know, " Casey said making to stand. " If you all don't mind, I'm still kinda of worn out. I think I'd like to try and grab a nap before Derek gets here. "

No one objected and she left the room, casting me another glance before going up the stairs. This time I did look up. I could see it in her face. She wanted to talk to me.

I sat for a few minutes more, anxiously waiting on someone else to get up. But everyone seemed to be content to linger over their meal.

Finally, I couldn't wait any longer and I excused myself as politely as I could and took off up the stairs.

I noticed her door was opened slightly as I came to it, so I knocked once again.

" Come in. " came a rather terse, quick reply from the other side.

So I stepped in and found myself practically bowled over with Casey. Everything in the room seemed to scream her name. From the pink covered, white four post bed, to the CRU pendant on the wall, the cute pink lamp beside the bed, the pink shag rug that covered the beige carpeting, to the blue and white pompoms on the dresser. She was everywhere. There was no mistaking the owner of this room.

Then something completely unexpected caught my eye. There was a cork bulletin board on the hall beside a huge mirror over a vanity, and on that board, amongst many other smiling faces, captured in candid moments, was me. Well, me and Casey to be exact.

I remembered the night the photo was taken. I was pretty sure it was Wade that had snapped it. We were at a party at the house. She was looking at something over the cameraman's shoulder. I was looking at her like I'd never seen anything like her before. Fascinated was the best way I could describe the expression on my face, fascinated and awestruck.

I hadn't realized I moved, but I was suddenly touching the picture, lost in a memory from a time long gone now.

" I don't know why I kept that there. I guess I should have taken it down with all the others. I just never could bring myself to do it. " Casey's voice was soft and sincere and coming from directly over my shoulder.

" I remember the night it was taken. I was so amazed that you were there with me. You were so beautiful. " I answered in a distant far away voice.

I came crashing back to the present as I felt her hand on my shoulder. " I wanted you know that I'm letting you off the hook. You don't have to go through with tonight if you don't want to now. "

I turned and she was so close I could feel the heat from her body. It seemed like one of us should have taken a step back, gotten out of the other's personal space but neither of us moved.

" I don't want to be let off the hook, Casey. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did. It was mean and I know that isn't how you feel at all. " I told her.

" No, you're completely right. " she shook her head. " I use people. I do it without even meaning to. " Her eyes were filled with tears now. " I just don't know how to stop. How do I stop doing something I don't even realize I'm doing ? "

I touched her shoulder lightly, not wanting her to move away but unable to fight the need to feel her.

" Casey, you don't use people. " I told her.

" You know that isn't true. I used you, when I first got to school. I was so alone and scared and I grabbed on to you. " she insisted.

" That isn't using someone, Case. If it is then we all do it. Everybody uses people to keep them from feeling alone. "

I couldn't stop staring at her quivering lip. She was so close to me, her breath brushed across my neck as she talked. The look in her eyes was so sad and unsure. I wanted to pull her to me and tell her it would all be okay.

" I used Evan to help me get the presidency. I used Frannie to teach me all the right things to do to get ahead. I use Ashleigh all the time. " she continued.

" Casey, stop it. This is crazy. You didn't use Frannie. She was you're mentor, your teacher. You don't use Ash, she's your friend. You lean on her. We all have people we lean on. " I tried to make her see, to understand what I was saying.

" And Evan ? "

" You didn't intentionally use him. " I said, not knowing what else to say. I really did think she was using him. It was the only way I could make the whole thing make any sense to me.

" But you do think I used him ? " she pushed. Actually, what she was doing was pushing me into a corner I had no intention of walking into. I didn't want to fight with her.

I choose not to answer. I looked away instead and it was all the answer she needed. She turned away from me and threw herself onto her bed.

" Casey, please. I don't want to fight with you. Can't we just say we're sorry and move on ? " I came to sit beside her and luckily she didn't pull away when I rested my hand on her back.

She turned so she could look over her shoulder at me. " What I really want is for you to tell me the truth. I want to know what you think about all this with the House and Evan. How do you see it ? I need a fresh perspective from an outside party. "

I blinked back the sting from that statement quick enough that I was sure she missed it. An outside party ? When did I become an outside party in her life ? How had that happened ?

When she broke up with you, idiot, I heard a tiny voice in my head reply. Still even though we weren't together, I never saw myself as an outsider in her life.

I managed to bring myself out of my own self indulgent tirade and focus on what she had asked me. Did she really want to know what I thought ? Was this going to cause another fight between us ? I was pretty sure if I told her the truth it would. But I didn't want to lie to her. I had never lied to her before. I prided myself on the fact. I couldn't ignore that now.

" Okay, " I sighed. " You really want to know what I think ? "

She nodded but there was fear and uncertainty on her face.

Tough, she asked for it.

" I think you were the one being used. "

Her face turned from scared to surprised. I looked away before I continued. " I think Frannie used you. She knew she was leaving at the end of last year, or she thought she was and she chose you to pass her legacy onto. She saw someone lost and naive and not likely to fight her too hard. She didn't care whether it was really who you were. She didn't care if it destroyed the person you really were. She set her mind on you and she did everything in her power to turn you into exactly what she wanted you to be. "

She sat up slowly. I wasn't sure if she was about to argue, kick me out or agree completely, so I went on before she had a chance to do anything. She wanted to know what I thought. I was telling her all of it.

" I think what Frannie did to you was wrong. She changed you. She turned you into someone I barely recognize anymore. And it kills me because the person you used to be was the most wonderful person I've ever had the privilege of knowing. You aren't the evil one, Case, Frannie was. You are just what she turned you into."

Her eyes were wide with shock, but she remained silent, sitting on her knees in the middle of her bed, staring at me like I was an alien.

" You think she turned me into something evil ? " she finally said after a few minutes.

I shifted and turned so that I could look at her fully in the eyes. " I said, you aren't evil. The fact that you are so messed up over all this makes you far from evil. It means she didn't change you on the inside. It means that girl I met in Freshman year is still there. You just have to let her out and learn how to let her take charge of your life again. "

She pushed the hair out of her face in frustration. " There aren't two of me in here, fighting for control. This is who I am now. I've grown up. I know it isn't something you're familiar with but it happens to most of us. "

I stopped her before she could even start down this road. " Don't do that. Do not turn this into that old fight with me, just because you didn't like what I had to say. You wanted to hear how I saw things. I told you as honestly as I knew how. Do not turn that around on me now. "

Then Casey Cartwright did something I had never seen her do in all the time I'd known her.

Her shoulders relaxed. She sank back down on the bed and she sighed. She backed down. She knew I was right and I could see it in her face, she was admitting defeat.

" You're right. I'm sorry. But you don't understand. " she said, her voice quiet and shaky.

" What don't I understand ? "

" All the things Frannie has taught me, she wasn't using me. She was showing me how to get everything I've always wanted. She was helping me to become a better person. "

I laughed out loud and it shocked her into silence. " Was she, Casey ? Was she really helping you get everything you always wanted or was she helping you get everything she told you you should want. Because I don't remember once in all the times we talked about our futures, not once did you ever mention any of the things you suddenly want now. "

She shook her head. " I just never dreamed that any of these things could be possible for someone like me. She showed me it was all in my grasp. "

" My God, she completely brainwashed you. " I was shocked now. I had no idea how far Frannie had her hooks into her.

Then I felt guilty for not stepping in before now and telling what I saw happening to her. I was sure she wouldn't have listened, but I should have tried at least. I didn't save her then. I should have. But I was determined to try and save her now. I had three weeks before we returned to school and all the influences the pushed at her. Maybe in that time, I could find the girl was once. Maybe I could reach the real Casey.


	5. Chapter 5

I was pacing. I paced a lot. It helped me when I was trying to clear my head. I had left Casey in her room after she basically dismissed me. She told me she needed time to think about what I had told her. She wanted to be alone. So I left.

But my mind was still there. Had I gone too far ? Had I told her things better left unsaid ? I was a firm believer in the fact that no words, if you truly meant them, were better left unsaid. I had come to understand that you really have a short time with the people you loved. It was best to tell them how you felt whenever the chance arrived. And the chance for me to say the things I wanted to say to Casey for so long came this afternoon.

I didn't feel guilty for letting her know how I felt. I didn't feel bad for giving her things to think about. I just wasn't sure she was ready to hear all the things I told her. I didn't know if she would really take it all seriously.

I could have handled it better. I could have said it better. Explained myself more clearly. I wasn't sure exactly why I was so freaked out about telling her what I thought. I just was.

These were the thoughts running rampant in my head when I heard the doorbell chime. I actually almost missed it. But then I heard voices drifting from downstairs and I realized that someone new was among us. A glance at my watch told me that someone was probably the famous Derek.

I was anxious to get a look at the guy really. I wanted to see what kind of guy had won Casey's heart the first time. I imagined him like Evan. A rich, narcissistic, brat who never had a real problem in his life that he couldn't just buy his way out of.

Man, I sounded bitter.

What I found at the bottom of the stairs, bouncing nervously from foot to foot, was a surprise. He wasn't an Evan clone. His scuffed, white shoes and tattered looking jacket attested to that fact. As did his worn, yellow t-shirt and faded dark blue jeans. Definitely not an Evan clone.

His hair was short, blond and worn in a no nonsense cut that really didn't suit him that well. But his blue eyes scanned the room, looking intelligent and alert and something else. It wasn't something I could put my finger on, but there was certainly something about this boy next door that I didn't like instantly. Still, he seemed genuine. His smile was warm and welcoming. There was just something nagging at me about him. I decided to reserve judgment on whether he was really okay or not.

" So, I hear you are taking this troupe to Millennium Park for a little ice skating. " Mr. Cartwright said with a friendly hand on his shoulder.

" Yeah, I thought Casey might like to get out and catch up. I've been looking forward to her visit. " he answered smoothly.

" What are you doing with yourself now, Derek ? I heard something about you working in your old man's shop. " Casey's father continued.

" Yeah, That's where I am right now. " he nodded.

" Well, I bet your a big help around there. "

Casey was zipping her jacket and putting on a pair of pink angora gloves when I stepped off the last stair.

" Oh, there you are. " she smiled at me like I was the only person in the crowded foyer and it made my heart leap.

Then she stepped into me and kissed my cheek sweetly before turning to Derek. " Derek, this is Cappie. Cappie, Derek told me this morning that he was dying to meet you. "

I extended my hand to him and he accepted it in a firm, steady handshake.

" You're the man that won Casey's heart. " he said.

I nodded. " I guess I am. "

" Its a pleasure to meet you. She told me all about you. " he announced.

I glanced at Casey. She hadn't let me in on what she told this guy about me and I didn't want to blow her story before we even got out of the door. So I remained noncommittal for the moment.

" Are we ready to go ? " Casey asked, as she finished with her gloves.

" Let me grab my coat. " I said, reaching past her to grab it from the tree inside the door.

" Oh, are Rusty and Cappie joining us ? " Derek asked.

" Oh, yeah, is that okay ? " Casey answered.

" No, yeah, sure that's great. " he said, clearly caught off guard, but he recovered nicely.

When I got to the car, which was a black Ford sedan of some kind that he had left running in the drive, I guessed why he was so caught off guard.

The interior was warm and very inviting. Soft music was drifting from the speakers behind my head. Music a guy doesn't listen to when he's alone in his car. Music selected for his companion to enjoy. I knew that music. I used that music.

When Casey and I slid into the backseat, I noticed a soft, white blanket and a basket sitting on the immaculate floorboard.

I had stepped into a seduction ride. That was the intention. I was almost sure of it. The music, the blanket and whatever was in the basket was there for Casey's benefit and hers alone.

This guy was trying to steal my girl right out from under me. Well, my fake girl, but still. How dare he !

I pulled Casey close to me as we snuggled in the backseat when I caught him glance in the rear view. Ha ! I thought triumphantly. Take that Don Juan.

Rusty was chattering nervously from the passenger seat. Casey and I were leaning forward trying to pay attention to him.

" I hear you're a mechanic now. " Rusty was saying. " That sounds interesting. I hear there's quite a bit of money to be had in engine repair. "

Derek nodded at him, but his eyes continued to flick to the mirror.

" Casey says you're the President of your Fraternity, Cappie. That's pretty impressive. " He said when Russ finally paused to take a breath.

" Yeah, I sure am. Did she tell you that she recently was appointed President of the Zeta Beta Zeta's" I answered.

" No, she didn't mention that. That's great, Casey. I always knew you'd be something special. "

She blushed, but didn't say anything.

" So what else has Casey told you about me ? " I asked, trying to judge exactly who I was pretending to be.

" She said you were the Kappa Tau president, that you hadn't really picked a major yet, that you liked to have fun and party. She just went on and on. " he answered, not sounding all that pleased about it.

I looked at her. I wasn't pretending to be anything at all. She had told the guy the truth and apparently she had gone on and on about me. I was elated. I couldn't keep the smile from my face.

" Sounds like she hit all the high points. " I nodded. " But she hasn't really said much about you. "

" Well, we haven't really seen each other in nearly three years. A lot has changed. I'm working at my Dad's garage. I've got my own place. I'm doing pretty okay. "

" That's great, Derek. I'm really happy for you. " Casey interjected.

" Well, I'm not doing as great as you guys. I didn't get a chance at college. My Dad needed my help right after high school. I've been there ever since. " There was a carefully disguised bitterness to his voice that I wasn't thrilled with. I guess I could see where the poor guy was coming from. He didn't seem to happy doing what he was doing. But his father needed him and he had stepped up. I couldn't find much fault in that.

Casey and Derek spent the rest of the ride catching up with the local gossip, talking about people I had no clue about. I sat back and enjoyed the fact that Casey seemed perfectly at ease pretending to be my girlfriend again. She continually touched me in such a casual way an outsider might not have noticed, but I did, and judging from the looks I was getting in the mirror, so did Derek. Her hand rested on my knee. Her leg brushed against mine. When the conversation occasionally lulled or she was listening to Derek talk, she leaned back, her shoulder resting against my chest and her head nestled comfortably under my chin. It was a prefect ride and I was sad to have it come to an end. I could almost believe that the last year and a half had never happened. That we were still together and in love and happy.

Being a week before Christmas, the park was crowded. A towering, beautifully decorated tree stood proudly over the crowd. Hundreds of sparkling lights illuminated the plaza. It was a prefect Christmas scene.

I didn't notice much of that though. I was much too preoccupied with the steel blades Casey was currently strapping to my feet. As I glanced at Rusty, who grimaced back at me, I felt my nerves kick into overdrive. I was going to kill myself, or break something that I would need later in life, I was sure.

" Are you sure I can do this ? " I asked, leaning close to Casey and trying to keep my voice low so Derek wouldn't know how nervous I was.

He was already standing by the ice, looking at us impatiently.

" I'm positive. Look out there. " she gestured with her chin towards the ice. I saw what she was talking about. A little girl who could not have been more than five was blissfully twirling across the smooth surface. " If she can do this, you can do this. "

I nodded, but I didn't believe her. I'm not one to really be afraid of much of anything. So I took a deep breath and let her lead me onto the ice.

It was the most terrifying, awkward thing I had ever done. My feet kept trying to slip out from under me. I couldn't keep my legs straight. I couldn't stand upright and I couldn't or wouldn't let go of Casey.

I clung to her, knowing she was the only thing keeping me upright. She laughed as I shuffled my feet an inch at a time across the slippery, wet, surface. I held to her waist tightly, keeping her as close to me as I could.

We stayed like that, making a few laps around the park. I noticed her watching the other skaters with a bit of envy and I felt a little guilty, like I was holding her back. But every time I tired to let go, she had to grab me to keep me on my feet.

Then Derek, who was acting like Dorthy freaking Hamil, skating circles around us like it was the easiest thing in the world, glided up to us and stopped, raising a spray of ice as he did.

" Let Rusty help him for a sec. " he suggested. " I want to see if you still have all those old moves. "

Casey turned and looked at me. I warned her with my eyes not to leave me. Threatening her with my gaze. She had promised she wouldn't leave. " Rusty won't let you fall. I swear. I'll only be a second. "

She leaned a little closer and brushed her lips against my ear. " Besides, I want to show you how good I am. "

That got me. I wanted to see her. And she wanted to show me. She had said it so quietly, I knew she hadn't said it for Derek's benefit. She genuinely wanted me to see her. So I nodded and she yelled for Rusty.

I wasn't nearly as comfortable with him. It was weird holding on to his shoulders. I almost slipped as Casey handed me over to him. I felt like a bumbling idiot.

Then I stopped, making Russ stop as well. I had to. I was incapable of concentrating on making my legs work like I needed them to.

She was completely mesmerizing as she glided weightlessly across the ice. Her arms held out to her sides, her face serene and peaceful. She was poetry in motion. Beauty personified.

As Bing Crosby droned in the background about a White Christmas, and the white flakes drifted softly to the ground, she once again, for the second time that day, took my breath away. I think I forgot how to breath in that moment actually. She was so graceful as she spun effortlessly, her eyes never left mine and the pride that shown on her face was beyond anything I had ever seen.

Then just as suddenly as it began, the wonder of the scene ended as Derek came into view, taking her by the waist and pulling her against him. I watched helplessly as he took her hand and turned her about, causing a gush of laughter to issue from her. She wasn't looking at me anymore. Her eyes were on him as they happily danced about.

" Don't let him get to you, Man. " Rusty told me as he tried to loosen my grip on his shoulder by flexing it.

I got the hint and let up slightly.

" She's pretending she's with you. She wouldn't be doing that if she wanted him, now would she ? " he continued trying to reassure me. " You have got to get a grip on this jealous thing you've got going. "

" I'm not jealous. " I lied.

" Right and I'm not a science geek. " he smiled.

" Alright, maybe I am a little. "

" What did you fight about earlier ? You seemed pretty upset. Was it Evan again ? " I appreciated what he was trying to do. He was trying to distract me so I wouldn't take my jealousy out on his shoulder again.

" It wasn't really important. We worked it out. " I answered.

" What is going on with you guys ? I mean you're looking pretty cozy one minute and glaring at each the next. Are you trying to get her back ? "  
" Russ, " I smiled with more than a little self-loathing. " I'm pretty sure, I'm going to spend my entire life either trying to get her back, or working my ass off to keep her. "

" You really do love her. " he commented quietly.

" I really do. " I agreed. " I have since the first time I saw her waiting in line for coffee. "

" I wish I loved someone like that. " he sighed, dejectedly.

" It'll happen. Give it time. " I assured him.

" I'm not so sure. Things like that don't really happen to me. " he answered.

" What about Jenn ? I seem to remember that going fairly well for a while anyway. "

" Yeah, but look how it turned out. I'll never fall in love, not like that. " he sighed again.

" Come on, that's crazy talk. You're what, nineteen years old. " I shook my head solemnly. " You're right. It's probably time to start thinking about getting a cat or something. "

He punched my shoulder and laughed, until he I started to topple. Then suddenly he wasn't laughing anymore. He was grabbing at me as frantically as I grabbed at him. But it was too late and I landed on my ass on the ice with a thud.

" I'm so sorry, Man. I forgot. I didn't mean to knock you down. " he apologized over and over.

" Russ, " I told him calmly. " It's okay. I'm fine. Just help me up. "

That was an adventure in itself. Every time I almost got on my feet, one of them would slip and down I'd go again. Seconds later, Casey and Derek were there as well, looking over me like I was some kind of zoo exhibit.

And, as is my usual habit during stressful situations, I couldn't stop laughing. Finally Derek just grabbed me under the arms and hauled me to my feet, steadying me until I got my balance.

" It's getting kind of late. " Casey announced when the fiasco ended. " Maybe we should call it a night. I'm sure Mom has dinner ready by now. She'd want us home. "

We all agreed and Casey took my hands and helped me off the ice. I had never felt more relieved than I did the moment those blades were off my feet.

As we made our way through the snow covered streets, Derek had somehow managed to invite himself to dinner. Well, Rusty invited him actually. But I saw the trap leading him into it and I wasn't sure I was happy about it. I still didn't like the guy. Something just wasn't okay with him.

I was quickly brought out of my thoughts as Casey moved closer to me and slid her arm around my waist. I was surprised at first. I still wasn't really used to the fact that we were supposed to be together again. It caught me by surprise every time she just reached over and touched me.

" How long have you been together ? "Derek asked with a quick glance in the mirror.

" Three years. " Casey offered, the lie rolling off her tongue with a casual easy. " We met in Freshman year. "

" Waiting in line for coffee. " I added looking down at her.

She looked back at me with those huge eyes and I felt like I was being drawn to her. Like a magnet, unable to keep myself from pressing my lips to hers.

Another quick, comfortable kiss, like many of the others ones we had shared over the last few days. I was beginning to grow accustomed to their occurrence. It seemed so natural to just lean over and kiss her like that.

" You met at a coffee shop ? " Derek asked, pulling our attention away from each other and back to him. " I didn't even know you drank coffee, Casey. "

" Oh, yeah, " she smiled sweetly. " I'm pretty addicted to the stuff. "

Her eyes were still locked on mine and I couldn't decided if she was really talking about coffee or something much better.

When we got home, Rusty and Derek went inside as quickly as they could. It was starting to snow hard and they dashed for the house and the warmth that lay inside.

I lingered as I noticed Casey taking her time as well. She took my hand and we strolled up the front walk as if the snow coming down around us didn't exist.

" So, that's what we're doing, huh ? " I asked, suddenly pulling her close to me.

" What ? "

" We're just pretending the last year and a half never happened ? "

She nodded, " I thought it would be easier than inventing a bunch a lies. "

I agreed. " You were wonderful out there on the ice. "

She blushed and looked away from me. " I've been skating since I was old enough to walk. I love it. "

" Are you still mad at me for what I said earlier ? " I wanted to make sure she really was still thinking about all the things I'd said to her.

" I'm not mad. I just think you're wrong. Maybe we can talk about it again, later, after Derek leaves. " she suggested.

At least she was willing to talk about it. Then she really shocked me. We were alone on the lawn, no one around to pretend for. No one to see us. She reached out and pulled me close to her, her breath warm against my ear.

" There are still a few pieces of apple pie leftover. I thought maybe after everyone was asleep, we could finish it off. " she whispered.

I stepped back and looked at her. I was so confused by her that I didn't know what was happening.

" I know I said this afternoon that we could just see where this was leading, but I have to tell you, I'm completely confused. " I confessed.

" Confused by what ? " she asked, giving me the innocent, bright eyed look that meant she knew exactly what was confusing me.  
" I'm just not sure what is going on here. First you say we should try being friends, then you're kissing me and I just don't get it. " I clarified.

" Can we talk about it later ? " she asked with her hand on my chest. " I'm not sure what I'm doing either, but it's really cold and we need to get inside before people come looking for us. "

I nodded and let her take my hand again and lead me into the warmth of the house.


	6. Chapter 6

Dinner was uneventful and wonderfully delicious. I had never really had an opportunity to experience the kind of cooking that Mrs. Cartwright had offered over the last few days. I was throughly enjoying it though.

The conversation around the table centered mostly around Derek and everything that he had been doing for the last three years. Mr. And Mrs. Cartwright really seemed to like the guy and he was so smooth and comfortable with them I started thinking maybe I was wrong. Maybe my opinion of him was too harsh. He really did appear to be a nice guy. Not Casey's type, of course, but a nice guy.

Oscar had been allowed into the house since his doghouse was completely buried under the snow. He was dozing lazily by the fire when we all retired to the living room after dinner.

Casey's parents had their own matching, blue recliners that they took upon entering the room. Rusty plopped himself down in one corner of the blue sofa. Casey lead me by the hand to the matching love seat and Derek sat on the opposite side of the sofa.

We continued to talk and joke. All in all it was a relaxing, comfortable evening at home. A roaring fire, good company and Mrs. Cartwright's eggnog, which she even allowed Rusty to partake of, made everything serene and peaceful.

When Oscar got up and started pacing in front of the door, Derek took the opportunity to make his move.

" I think he needs out. " he announced standing. " Casey, do you want to take him for a walk with me, like we used to ? "

She glanced at me and I didn't see any hesitation in her eyes. The silent signals we usually sent each other told me all was well, so I didn't object.

" Yeah, I guess we could. " she answered finally and kissed me quickly before leaving.

I should have caught it. Surely she had been giving me some kind of message that I missed, but the eggnog and the fire and the warmth of the room had lulled me into a place where I wasn't paying as close attention as I should have. Or at least that's how I saw it in hindsight.

It wasn't until nearly thirty minutes later that I noticed she still hadn't returned.

I stood and stretched, still not really concerned, just curious. " I think I'm going to go have a look around. I think Derek and Casey must have gotten lost. "

Mr. Cartwright glanced at the window and noticed the snow coming down faster than it was when we first arrived back home. " It is really picking up out there, maybe you should see if you can find them. "

I grabbed my coat, bundled up as tightly as possible and set out into what I was sure should have been classified a blizzard.

The wind was roaring as it blew through the trees in the front yard. The only light came from the tiny bulbs in the Christmas decorations covering the house. I glanced around quickly, searching for any sign of movement.

Then my eyes landed on the car. The Ford Sedan was running. I could hear the soft ticking of its engine and I saw the smoke drifting from the tailpipe.

I walked over and tapped on the window.

Casey opened the door, looking at me in relief.

" I"m sorry, I guess we've been out here a while. " Derek said, stepping out of the driver's side.

I leaned down to Casey so that he couldn't hear me. " You okay ? "

She nodded preceptively. " I'm okay. "

" Should I beat him up ? " I smiled.

" That won't be necessary. Besides, my parents really like him. I still don't think my Dad is too sure about you. It wouldn't go far in winning his favor. " she smiled back.

She wanted her father to like me. That was all I could think about for a minute. She was concerned about whether her father approved of me or not. If she didn't care about me, if she didn't really want me back in her life, why would she care if he liked me or not ?

" Alright. " I told her. " I'll let him live, this time. But can I scare him a little ? "

Her only answer was a smile before she turned back to Derek, who was removing Oscar from his backseat.

" You aren't out here putting the moves on my girl ? " I asked, raising my voice over the wind.

" Of course not, " he answered, a little shocked. " We were just talking about old times. "

I yanked Casey into me possessively and glared at him. " I'll bet you were. " I muttered.

Casey was shaking against me, trying her best not to laugh out loud I was sure.  
" Why don't you take Oscar inside ? I want to have a chat with Derek. " I told her.

She turned around quickly and looked at me with those wide eyes again. I leaned in closer. " I'm not going to hurt him. " She looked doubtful. " I promise. I won't touch him. "

She nodded and took the leash from Derek who was making his way around the front of the car.

We stood in silence until she made it inside.

As soon as the door shut, I turned on him. " What exactly do you think you're doing ? " I demanded.

" Excuse me ? " he sputtered.

" What are you trying to pull with my girlfriend ? " I repeated.

" I'm not trying to pull anything. " he answered nervously. " I swear. We were just talking. "

I nodded, but kept the coolness in my eyes. " I'm not stupid. I saw you watching her at dinner. I saw the blanket and the basket in the backseat. I know you want her back. "

He shifted, his eyes darting around the yard, looking for anything interesting to land on, anywhere to look other than at me.

" I'm just letting you know that that is not going to happen. " I told him, when he didn't bother to deny anything.

He still remained silent, but it looked as if he wanted to say something. Maybe I was laying on the scary a little thick. Maybe he was just a weenie. But obviously he was frightened.

I decided to let him off the hook just a little. " Look, Man, I know exactly what you're going through. It sucks to lose her. Believe me, I know. But this thing between you, it's over. It's been over for a long while. "

He blinked at me. I thought he was going to cry. I had been in his shoes. I had walked more than my fair mile in them actually. I knew how his chest must hurt when he watched her with me. I knew how his stomach turned over every time she kissed me. I knew the little voice in the back of his head that said, maybe there was a chance. Maybe he still might get her back.

I was trying to be nice, telling the poor guy like it was. Even if I wasn't really her boyfriend anymore, I knew she didn't want him back. She was so over him, she barely mentioned him anymore. I wanted to make him understand that he was fighting a losing battle. That he needed to move on.

Then I felt like a hypocrite. Talk about a talking black pot, I thought.

" I didn't mean to cause you any problems. " he said finally as the silence started to stretch beyond comfort.

" I know you didn't. You just had to take the chance. I really do understand. But now it's time to move forward without her. " I answered.

" I just can't stop thinking about her. You are the luckiest guy in the world. " he told me.

I nodded. " I know. Trust me, I know exactly how lucky I am. And I promise I don't take even a second of it for granted. "

We came back inside like we had been friends all our lives. Casey gave us a surprised stare. I just smiled and shrugged as I sank down into the seat next to her.

She moved closer to me and put her head on my shoulder. Her father was once again giving me that look that said he could read every thought in my head and he didn't like any of them. I shifted and tried to move her away just a bit, but she was having none of it. She just snuggled down further into my side and smiled as she looked up at me.

" I forgot to mention that my sister is going to be starting at college with you all next semester. " Derek announced suddenly.

Rusty who was now on the rug in front of the fire playing with Oscar, spun towards him quickly.

" I thought Hannah was going to school on the West Coast. " he said, sitting up and becoming very interested in our conversation.

" She was, but she's transferring to CRU. She's been accepted into the Physics program. She says it's one of the best in the country. " Derek said.

" It is. Rusty was accepted at MIT, Brown and Yale. But he choose CRU because they are the best. " Mrs. Cartwright announced proudly.

I glanced at Rusty. I knew full well that CRU wasn't better than MIT or Brown, certainly not Yale. Casey was the reason he choose CRU. I had never questioned it before. But now I saw it. He had followed his sister, chasing after her like the rest of us, begging to be part of her life. It was an interesting revelation.

The evening broke up soon after as Derek announced that he should be getting home. I watched from the window beside the front door as Casey walked him to his car. He gave her a quick, almost hesitant hug. I think he knew I was watching. I felt guilty for making him squirm. I actually felt guilty for having so much fun making him squirm.

Then I heard a throat being cleared behind me and I turned slowly into the penetrating, cool stare of Mr. Cartwright.

" Can I have a word with you ? " he asked, though it honestly couldn't really qualify as a question. His eyes said I really didn't have a choice.

I swallowed nervously and took in a deep refreshing breath. " Yes, Sir. "

" Walk with me. " He said, clapping his hand around my shoulder and leading me down the hall, past the foot of the stairs and into the back part of the house.

I hadn't had any reason to be in this part of the house before now. The hall he was taking me down lead to his bedroom, a bathroom and his office, which was our destination.

The room was small compared to the rest of the house. It held a desk, that occupied the middle of the room, a chair that looked comfortable enough, another chair that looked less comfortable and a bookcase filled to overflowing.

He offered me a drink, which I declined and a cigar which I also declined. I thought he might have been testing me. Then he offered me the less comfortable chair and took the one behind the desk. He was putting the desk between us. Taking on the role of authority by placing himself behind the thick slab of oak. I had been in enough principals offices to know this trick too well.

His eyes took me in for a moment and I shifted under his scrutiny.

" You know, I went to college with a few guys like you. " He began. " The professional student, switching majors constantly to keep from having to leave school. Partying too hard and not taking anything seriously. "

I swallowed hard. I wanted to tell him what he said wasn't true, but I couldn't. My palms were sweating and hands shaking. I swear I was the slightest hint of a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Now he was having fun watching me squirm. Payback truly was a bitch.

His eyes left me and landed on a picture on the corner of his desk. It was a picture of Casey. She looked like she was about thirteen and she was dressed in a blue and white cheerleader uniform. " I know you're just pretending to be together for Derek's sake and I don't have a problem with that. I don't like lying to the boy, but I guess it's easier all around this way. " he said, his eyes still not leaving the picture. " But I've seen you looking at her. I've noticed. You aren't pretending, are you ? "

I thought for half a second about denying it. About trying to convince him that he was wrong and he hadn't seen anything. But I knew nothing I could say would make any difference. I'd been caught with my hand in the metaphoric cookie jar. I decided it was better to just fess up and deal with the consequences.

" No, Sir. I'm not. " I answered.

" So, you like her ? " he glanced at me. Again I thought he might be testing me, so I went for it, full throttle.

" No, Sir, I love her. "

" You think so, huh ? " he nodded.

" No, Sir. I know. I've loved her for a long time now. " I said in what I thought came off as a confident tone.

" Do you see that picture there ? " he raised his eyebrow towards the picture of Casey.

" Yes, Sir. "

" That's what I see when I look at her. I still see that little girl, so beautiful and perfect. The day she was born was the happiest day of my life. " he continued.

" I'm sure it was. She still is beautiful and perfect. I'm sure you're very proud of how she's turned out. " I said.

" Yes, I am. Her mother and I have raised a young woman who is intelligent and confident and not afraid of anything. You know, I trust Casey. She's very capable of making her own decisions about her life. But that doesn't stop me from worrying. I guess, what I need to know is this, to me she is still that little girl in the picture, my perfect little girl, what is she to you ? "

His eyes were practically burning a whole in me. I didn't want to take too long to answer. I didn't want him to think I was formulating an answer he wanted to hear. So I said the first thing that came to my mind. What was Casey to me ?

That was easy. " She's everything. "

His smile spread across his face slowly and his laugh when it finally erupted was full of relief and approval.

" Cappie, my boy, " he said. " That's the best answer I could have asked for. "

Rusty met me in the hall as I left the office. " I was just coming to save you. " he smiled at me a bit sheepishly.

" It's okay. I think I did alright. " I told him as we started up the stairs.

" What was that all about ? "

" He saw me looking at Casey. Wanted to know what my intentions were towards his little girl, basically. " I told him.

Rusty stopped at the top of the stairs. " Man, I'm sorry. "

" It's okay. Like I said, he liked what I had to say. So it's cool. What's up with you and Hannah, was it ? Derek's little sister ? "

" What do you mean ? Nothing's up. " He was shuffling his feet and his eyes were darting around the hall. Nothing, my ass.

" Come on, Spitter. You don't really expect me to buy that, do you ? "

" Hannah Wilson has been the subject of Rusty's wet dreams since he was old enough to have them. " Casey said as she stepped into the hall from her room. " He used to chase around after her like a little lost puppy. "

" Really ? " I smiled at Rusty who was now a bright, scarlet shade of red.

" I kinda had a thing for her when we were younger. " he muttered under his breath.

" Kinda had a thing. " Casey laughed. " That's the understatement of the year. "

I put my arm around his shoulder. " Now, come on, Don't tease him. The poor boy had a crush. He's obviously over it now. "

Casey and I both laughed as Rusty continued to look like he wanted the hall to open up and swallow him.

" Very funny. Is this what I have to look forward to now that she's coming to school with us ? " he said, pulling away from me.

" No, Rusty, this is your chance. She'll be new at school and she won't know anyone. Maybe you can help her, show her around. " Casey suggested. She had come over to us and was now standing beside me.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when she slid her arm around my waist like it was the most natural thing in the world. But I hid my surprise very well. " And don't forget, you're a frat boy now. Chicks love that. " I added.

"Do they ? " Casey asked, smiling up at me.

" Well, " I shrugged. " That's what I've heard anyway. "

" I'm going to bed. " Rusty said, walking away shaking his head. " I'll see you in the morning. "

" So, " she said, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet. She was nervous and it was obvious.

" So, " I answered, not knowing what else to say.

We stood there for a long time, neither of us saying a word, both of us fidgeting nervously. It was ridiculous. It had to be one of the weirdest moments in my life.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I turned to her. " I thought maybe we could talk. "

" Okay. " she nodded.

She followed me down the hall and into my room. I closed the door behind her and leaned against it.

Then I stopped. She turned to me slowly, a sheepish almost scared look on her face. It only took a moment to understand why.

A radio was playing softly from somewhere. Several candles sat scattered around the room, casting their soft, warm, yellow glow over everything. And sitting on the small table beside the bed were two plates of pie.

I looked at her again. I knew my confusion had to show on my face and her eyes fell to the floor in front of her.

" I've had a really good time today. " she began as she stepped closer to me. " I was hoping you had a really good time, too. "

I chuckled. " I did. Today was great. But I'm still not getting what all this means. "

Her eyes were dark and smoldering as she took me in, spearing me to the door with her heated gaze. I couldn't move as she advanced towards me. Her body was against mine, pressing into me. Her arms snaked around my shoulders, her fingers playing with the hair at the nape of my neck.

My arms went around her instinctively, hauling her small, soft body even closer to me, molding her curves against my chest. Then her lips were on mine, hot, and insistent. I felt her tongue brush against my lips and I opened my mouth to her. She deepened the kiss, dragging her tongue slowly over my teeth, across my own tongue, over the roof of my mouth.

Then she pulled away long enough to take a breath before she was on me again. I felt like I was being attacked. Her hands pulled at my clothes. Her warm lips moved from my mouth to the side of my neck, over my collarbone.

I couldn't take a breath. I could not get my lungs to draw in the air they needed. My heart was pounding against my ribcage so hard I feared it was about to escape.

I threw my head back and closed my eyes, granting her better access to my throat.

Then an image flashed through my mind.

I don't know why. I have no idea what sparked the memory. Maybe it was own survival instinct kicking in, reminding what had happened last time we had gotten this close. I couldn't block the image of her shutting my bedroom door and leaving me to return to Evan from my mind. More important was the flash of all the feelings that I experienced as the door closed. They all came crashing back around me. The disappointment, the bitter anger, the helpless feeling of rejection.

" Casey, " I mumbled trying to get her attention. I repeated it, louder this time, still she ignored me. Finally, I took her wandering hands in mine and pushing her away from me.

Her face was full of confusion as she looked at me.

" I'm sorry. I can't do this. " I told her.

" What ? " she asked, as if she hadn't heard me.

" We need to talk first. " I explained.

She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders before taking a seat at the foot of my bed.

I joined her, sitting close enough that my thigh rested against hers.

" I need to know what we're doing here. " I began.

" I kinda thought that was a bit obvious. " she muttered.

" Yeah, " I agreed. " I suppose it is. But what I mean is I need to know where this is heading. "

She didn't answer for a moment. " I don't know. You said earlier we could just figure it out as we go. I kinda thought that is what we were doing. "

I nodded. " You're right. I did say that, but I think maybe you need to know where I am with all this. "

" Okay, " she nodded. " Where are you ? "

" I love you. " I answered without hesitating. There was a time when I could barely bring myself to say that to another person. Men just didn't go around declaring their love at the drop of a hat. It wasn't how we were made. But it was time to make sure she knew exactly where she stood with me. Maybe it would help her figure out where she was with me.

I was completely unable to read the look on her face. And that left me terrified. I could always read her. I always knew what she was thinking.

She said nothing, her face was a blank canvas. I had no idea what was going through her mind.

" I don't know what to say. " she said finally. " I really wasn't expecting that. "

" Come on, You can't be that surprised. " I told her.

" No, I'm just surprised that you said it. I mean when we were together, I felt like every time you said you loved me, I was forcing you into it somehow. " she tried to explain.

I was shocked. " Is that really how you saw it ? Like you were making me tell you I loved you ? "

She looked down and then back up at me. " You never said it first. "

" Oh, that can't be true. " I argued.

" No, it really is. Every time you said it, it was ' I love you, too. '. You never said it first. " she sounded so certain I couldn't help but believe her.

" Wow, I had no idea. " I mumbled, astounded by this revelation.

" It's not a big deal. You always said it back to me. It just bugged me a little. " she shrugged.

" It should have. " I said, standing suddenly. " You should have said something. Saying it back isn't that same. "

" Cappie, it really isn't a big deal. " She reached out to me.

" Yes, it is. " I answered, letting her take my hand and pull me back down beside her. " Casey, I always meant it. I should have said it more often. I never meant for you to feel like you were making me say it. I love you. I never stopped loving you. "

There were tears in her eyes. I didn't know what I said to cause them, but I instantly felt my chest tighten.

" I've been thinking about what you said earlier. " she began. " I think some of what you said makes a little sense. "

" Well, okay. That's a start anyway. " I chuckled and she joined me.

" I'm just so exhausted all the time, pretending to be this person I don't even recognize anymore. " she continued.

" So quit pretending. " I answered simply.

" I can't. I have created this image and now I have to keep it up. It's what everyone expects me to be."

" Fuck 'em. "

Her eyes snapped to my face. " That's easy for you to say. All your friends accept you for who you are. You have never pretended to be anything other than who you are. If I change, I'm afraid I'll lose all the people I care about. "

I took her hands in mine and squeezed them reassuringly. " If those people really care about you, they wouldn't want you putting yourself through all this misery just to fit some image they have of you. Ashleigh wouldn't want you to pretend to be something you aren't just to be her friend. "

She smiled. " Ashleigh is different. She already knows the real me and she likes me anyway. "

" What is it about the real you that you don't think all these other people will like ? "

She shrugged. " I don't know. I just have these urges that I know they wouldn't approve of. "

I laughed. " Urges, huh ? Well, by all means, tell Cappie all about your urges. "

She laughed as well and shoved me. " That isn't what I meant. "

" You're a tease. " I pretended to pout.

" It's just that sometimes, like on Sunday afternoon, I would love to just lay in bed all day and watch football and eat nachos and pizza and drink beer. " Her voice had that far off sound that I recognized very well.

" Then you should do that. If that's what you feel like doing, you should it. You aren't insisting they join you. You're just spending your day off the way you want to. " I told her. " If they don't like it, tell them to go to hell. You can't live your life for other people. That's only going to make you miserable. "

" Well, there's more than just football and beer. " she said, her voice dropping to just above a whisper.

" Really ? " I grinned. " What other urges do you have ? "

" There is this guy. " she said, her voice still quiet.

" A guy ? Do I know this guy ? "

" Maybe. I really like him. " she continued. " I think I might even love him, but its complicated. "

" Ah, he doesn't like you. " I stated with a solemn nod.

" No, " she shook her head. " He says he loves me. That's not the problem. "

" Well, if you like, maybe even love him and he loves you, I can't see how that could be wrong. " I told her, moving a little closer.

" He isn't the type of guy my Sister's would approve of. I'm not sure they will ever accept him. " she explained.

" Well, then, you have to ask yourself what's more important, a bunch of shallow friends that are trying to run your life for you or a guy you really like, maybe even love. "

She nodded, looking down at her hands that were resting in her lap. " You know, this isn't the first time I've been faced with this choice. "

I nodded. " I know. "

" I'm not so sure I did the right thing last time. " she told me. " I think I really hurt the guy that time. "

" If you left him, then I'm sure it hurt. I can't imagine anyone surviving you leaving them. "

" Well, he's a really strong guy. He pretended that it didn't matter. But I know him better than that. " She was still looking at her hands.

" Sounds like you might have really liked this guy. "

" I loved him. " she corrected me quickly. " I hope he knows that, and I never meant to hurt him. I was just mixed up and confused and being pulled in all these different directions. "

" Believe me, " I took her hands again. " He knows that you loved him and he knows that you didn't set out to hurt him. "

She laughed suddenly. " Okay, this is ridiculous. Cappie, I'm sorry. I know what I did to you was terrible. But I want you to know that breaking up with you wasn't easy. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. "

" That really means a lot. " I told her, squeezing her hands again. " What I really need to know is, what happens when those shallow friends of yours force you to make that decision again ? "

She looked up at me finally, letting her eyes hold mine. " Fuck 'em. "

" That's easy enough to say now. " I smiled. " But will it still be so easy when it's them looking back at you ? "

She shrugged. " I'm the president now. They can't tell me what to do anymore. "

" I love you. " I told her.

" I think I might love you, too. " she answered.

" I'm okay with that for now. " I smiled as I pulled her into me.


	7. Chapter 7

_I woke to sensation of my arm tingling, tiny pin pricks shivered down its length letting me know that it was not getting the circulation it needed. Without opening my eyes, I tried to shift, to move it so that it could have the blood it wanted. Then I realized it was trapped. Unable to twist my arm free of the weight pressing down on it, I opened my eyes slowly, blinking against the moonlight pouring in from the blinds. _

_When I managed to focus them finally I wasn't sure exactly what I was seeing at first. It looked to me to be a mass of blackness. I shifted again, squinting as I tried to make sense of what was laying beside him. _

_The mass began to take shape slowly and a felt a heavy weight descending to the pit of my stomach. What the hell had I done ? _

_I jumped as memories from the night before slowly caught up with me. Hazy scenes played through my mind of Dobbler's and whiskey and beer and a lot of people. _

_I tried to drag my arm out from under the woman lying beside me without waking her. Talking to her at the moment was the last thing I wanted to do. _

_My still reeled as I tried to piece together the circumstances that had brought Rebbecca Logan to my bed, naked. _

_Wait, I sneaked a quick peak under the comforter that covered her from the shoulders down. Yep, naked. _

_Fuck !_

" _Cappie, " she muttered, as she rolled over towards me, her eyes searching me out. _

_Well at least she knew exactly where she was and what had happened. _

_I thought about diving for the bed, laying still and pretending I was still asleep. But her gaze landed on me before I had the chance. Damn, this just keeps getting better and better. _

" _My arm fell asleep. " I mumbled lamely. _

" _Oh, " she answered into the darkness. " I'm sorry. I guess I was laying on it. " _

" _It's okay. " _

_Then she moved over to me and rested her head against my chest. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want her laying on me. I wanted her gone. I wanted to pretend this had never happened. _

_I shifted a bit, trying to find a comfortable position. This never happened with Casey, I never had to search around for a comfortable way to lay with her against me. _

_Fuck again ! Casey ! _

_She was never going to forgive me for this. She'd say it didn't matter. Tell me that she didn't have the right to tell me who I could have sex with and who I couldn't. But it would be a lie. Every time she looked at me, she would see Rebbecca from then on. _

_I looked down at the small girl resting against me and knew in that moment that as soon as Casey found out about this, it would truly be over between us. I had done the unthinkable in her eyes. Betrayed her the same way Evan had. Now I was no better than him. That's how she would see it. I knew it like I knew that Rebbecca would never keep this just between us. _

" _Are you okay ? " Her voice was a little muffled against my chest. _

" _Yeah, I'm good. " I lied. _

" _You were tossing and turning. I thought I heard you mumbling something. " she said, leaning up so she could look at me. _

" _Yeah, " I sighed. " I've been told I talk in my sleep. " _

_She raised her hand, and brushed the back of her fingers over my cheek. I almost flinched away from her, but the tenderness behind the gestured surprised me. _

" _You said her name. " It was a simple statement. There was no anger in her tone. No malice in her words. Just a simple statement of fact. _

" _Who's name ? " I asked, playing stupid. I knew it wouldn't work. _

" _You know who's name. " she smiled quietly. " How long has it been since you broke up ? " _

_I looked away quickly. " A little over a year. " _

" _Over a year and you still call her name in your sleep ? " I thought she was teasing me and I was instantly on the defensive, but when I looked back at her there was no humor in her eyes, just sadness. _

" _Yeah, that's what I've been told anyway. " I muttered. _

" _Does she know you still love her like that ? " _

" _Do we really have to talk about this ? " I moved, displacing her from my chest. _

" _I just want to understand. " I said, coming back to me, but not laying against me this time. _

" _What do you want to understand ? What is it that you want to know ? " I leaned up on my elbow. _

_She looked at me, searching my face for an answer to a question she hadn't asked yet. " What is it about her that is so damned special ? What does she have that the rest of us don't ? " _

" _Is that why you hate her so much ? Because you think she has some special power over us stupid men ? " I was trying to turn the conversation around on her, draw it away from me. _

_She laughed. " I don't think she has a special power. But she has something. Something that makes everyone want her. " She looked away all the humor gone from her eyes. " I want to understand what it is. " _

_I laid back with my hands behind my head. " I can't help you there. I don't know what it is myself. " _

" _I know she's beautiful, " she paused, " if you go for that blond, big eyed thing. But she's not that beautiful. I mean, it's like some kind of phenomenon around here. Everyone either wants her or wants to be her. I just don't get it. " _

_I sighed, deciding she was not going to let it drop. " Okay, I don't know about Chambers. I can't tell you what his deal with her is. " _

" _She's his trophy. " she interrupted. _

_I raised up again and looked at her. " Excuse me ? " _

" _That's what she is to him. His prize. I saw it the first time I met them together. It's pretty obvious. " she explained. " Or maybe it's just obvious to me because my father looks at his wife exactly the way Evan looks at Casey. Like she's an expensive piece of jewelry that he wears on his arm. " _

_I dropped back down to the pillow and thought about what she was saying. Sometimes the most amazing insights come from the places you least expect them. _

" _Now what is it with you ? You don't look at her like that. It's different with you. " _

" _I love her. " I said quietly, staring up at the ceiling. _

" _Well, that's pretty obvious, too. What I mean is why ? She dumped you, threw you over for the pretty boy with more money and more power and you still say her name in her sleep. I don't understand that. You seem smarter than that. " She went on. _

" _I don't know. I've tried to get over her. God knows I've tried. But we had something, you know. It wasn't just the normal college fling. It was... special. " I tried to explain it to her and found that I was coming up lacking. It wasn't something you could put into words. _

" _You know she's going to freak when she finds out about this ? " she said, laying her head down on the pillow next to me. _

" _Are you going to tell her ? " I was holding my breath waiting on the answer I knew was about to come. _

" _I'm not sure. " she answered. It surprised me a little. " Maybe I could keep it just between us if you did me a favor. " _

_I leaned up again. " You're blackmailing me ? " _

_She laughed. " Blackmailing you ? Well I guess you could call it that. " _

_Now she really had my attention. What could Rebbecca Logan possibly want from me ? _

" _What is it you want ? " _

" _I want you to get her back. " she said. _

_It was my turn to laugh. " I'm not even sure that's possible. Besides, what's it matter to you ?"_

" _I like you, Cappie. You seem like a pretty decent guy. " she told me. " I hate to think about you laying here at night calling her in your sleep. I know what it must be like for you having to watch with Evan all the time, knowing he doesn't love her like you do. " _

_Ah, now I was understanding. Now I saw her angle. " And if I do manage to get her back, someone will need to be there to pick up the pieces of Evan's poor shattered heart. " I added knowingly. _

_She shrugged and gave me a smug smile. " Well, there is always that as well. So see, it works out for both of us. " _

I woke with a start, the images from my last night on campus still fresh in my mind. I looked beside me, afraid I had disturbed the sleeping form that lay against me, but Casey was still, other than the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest.

I settled back against the bed and nestled into her, burying my head in her hair and drawing in the sweet smell of vanilla and lavender.

The soft gray light of dawn was seeping through the light blue curtains of my room. Soon the entire house would be awake once again. I needed to wake her. She had to sneak back across the hall to her own room before that happened. I had managed to gain some ground with her father, I didn't want to lose it by him finding his little girl in my bed. But I couldn't bring myself to let her go yet.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her in closer to my chest.

She stirred and sighed as she moved her hand over mine and held in firmly to her waist.

" Good morning. " she whispered in a sleepy, hoarse voice that sent a chill down my spine.

" Good morning. " I answered against her ear.

She rolled towards me and buried her head in my chest, laying a soft kiss to my skin. " I should be getting back to my room. "

" Yeah, you probably should. " I said, though I made no move to let her go.

She looked up at me. " Are you okay ? You look like something's bothering you. "

I forced a smile I wasn't really feeling and kissed her softly. " What could possibly be bothering me ? "

" You tell me. " she said, pulling back from me and brushing her thumb against my cheek.

I hated that she knew me that well. Hated that I was completely unable to hide anything from her. Guilt from my night with Rebbecca plagued me as I lay there tucked against her warm body. I just wasn't ready to tell her about it. I needed to hold on to her for a while longer. To finally have everything I'd wanted and needed in my arms for more than just a moment in time.

So, I pushed the thoughts of Rebbecca from my mind forcefully and kissed her.

" I love you. " I whispered when I finally pulled away.

" And why is that bothering you ? " she smiled.

" Nothing is bothering me. " I insisted.

The smile fell from her lips. " You aren't having doubts about last night ? Second thoughts, maybe ? "

I held her tighter. " Absolutely not. "

" Because if you are, I want to talk about it. " she continued.

I stilled her with a kiss, letting her know without words that I had no doubts about wanting her.

It was almost an hour later when she finally made it across the hall.

I lay there for a long time, knowing that I wouldn't be returning to sleep. My mind still replaying the dream that had woken me in the first place still playing through my mind. Rebbecca had not been what I expected. Well she was a little like I expected, but there was something more under the surface of the shallow, contrite exterior that surprised me. I still didn't remember actually having sex with her. I felt a little guilty about that, too. She deserved more than that. No woman deserved to be forgotten like that.

As the full light of morning began to take over the room, I still couldn't make myself stop feeling guilty for what I had done to Casey. More importantly, I felt guilty for keeping it from her. I had never kept anything from her. We had never had secret between us. Sooner or later, I would have to come clean. I would have to tell her about my night with Rebbecca. I shudder as I imagined how that conversation was going to turn out. Still, I felt even more guilty for putting it off. But I couldn't' tell her yet. She wasn't even ready to tell me she loved me again. Bringing this new revelation into the mix would undoubtedly ruin everything I had gained so far. I knew it was selfish. I knew I should tell her now rather than later. But I couldn't. I wouldn't, not yet.

A knock at my door brought my attention back to my surroundings and I called a quick " Come in, " as I heard Rusty asking from the other side if I was awake.

He entered the room and shut the door behind him securely. His face was stark white as he came and sat down numbly on the foot of the bed.

I quirked my eyebrows at him. " You okay, Buddy ? "

" Derek called this morning. " he said distractedly.

" Really ? Is everything okay with him ? " I tried to draw him out.

" Yeah, " he mumbled. " My mom invited him to lunch. "

I nodded. " Well, that sounds nice. " I sat up and nudged him in the shoulder. " What's up ? Come on, it's too early in the morning for me to guess. "

He turned to me with wide fearful eyes. The deer in the headlights look almost made me laugh out loud, but I held it in, waiting for his explanation. " He's bringing Hannah. Hannah is coming here for lunch, today. At my house. "

" Breath. " I commanded him as I slapped him on the back.

He let his lungs go with a loud gush of air. " It's going to be okay, Russ. She's just a girl. "

He nodded slowly. " She's just a girl. " he mumbled. Then he shook his head quickly and looked at me with a terrified expression. " No, she's not just a girl. She's the girl. "

" Rusty, " I said, throwing as much force and authority into my voice as I could manage. " You need to get a hold of yourself. "

He sat up a little straighter and shook his head to clear it. " You're right. I need to get a grip. She's just a girl. I can handle lunch with her. "

" Of course you can. It'll be fine. " I reassured him.

Then he started to shake his head again. " It's not going to be okay. I'm going to screw it up. I'm going to do or say something stupid. "

" You aren't going to do anything stupid. " I told him, though honestly I figured in his current condition, he was most certainly going to do something stupid. " I've got your back, Man. I'll get you through it. I'll be your wingman. "

He nodded numbly again. " Yeah, my wingman. " Then he turned to me, grabbing my arms in a panic.

" I have nothing to wear. "

That was it. I held it in as long as I could. But at that revelation, I could no longer contain the laughter that was bubbling inside me. He looked shocked as I laughed heartily.

" What is going on in here ? " Casey asked, sticking her head inside the door.

" Rusty is having an issue over our lunch guests. " I told her as I managed to calm myself.

" And who are our lunch guests ? "

I explained what was happening and to her credit she handled it much better than I had, assuring her younger brother that we would find him something suitable to wear and help him get through the lunch.

He seemed grateful to her and raised his eyebrow slightly at me as she came to rest beside me and kissed me.

I smiled back at him before sliding my arm around her waist.

" Oh, I see. You know, " he got up and looked at us in what I assumed was supposed to be a serious expression. " I brought him here with me. " he told Casey. " You can't just go around stealing my friend like this. "

Casey looked wounded but it only lasted for a moment before Rusty caught my eye and we both broke out laughing again.

She nearly knocked him over with a well placed pillow missile to his chest. " Very funny. " she muttered before joining our laughter.


	8. Chapter 8

Two hours. Two complete hours, we spent getting Rusty ready for his date with 'the' girl. But when we finished, I was not entirely displeased with the results. Casey had managed to tame his curly, light brown hair into something resembling presentable. He borrowed a shirt from me after almost an hour spent going through his wardrobe and finding nothing suitable. It was a white, short sleeved, button down number with a dragon on the back of it. He added a black long sleeved t-shirt under that and a pair of black jeans. I was almost impressed. He looked, for the very first time like a Kappa Tau. Not that we really gave a damn about how he usually looked, we would have accepted him if he looked like an alien. That was the way of the Kappa Tau fraternity and I was very proud of that fact. But still, I couldn't help feeling a little brotherly pride as I looked at the new and improved Rusty with a critical eye. And the most important thing about the entire transformation was that Rusty seemed happy about the way he looked.

I could see it several subtle ways. He held his shoulders a little more square, his back a little straighter. The beginnings of a small played at his mouth instead of the usual almost frown. He seemed happier and more confident than I had ever seen him.

Right up until the moment the doorbell rang. Then it was over. His palms were instantly sweaty, the frown was furrowing his brow, and he was chattering at a speed not normally seen in human speech patterns.

It was almost funny, if I wasn't so worry about him screwing up his chances, I would have laughed.

As Casey went downstairs to answer the door, I pulled him aside.

" Okay, what are you doing ? " I asked, in a calm quiet voice.

" I don't know. " he was pacing. " I was okay, then the doorbell and now she's down there. She's in my house and I don't know. " He was rambling so fast I barely understood him.

I stopped him in front of me and forced him to look in my eyes.

" You have got to calm down. " I told him firmly. " Take a deep breath. " I paused while he did as I instructed " Now, I need you to focus on breathing. "

" Rusty, " Casey said quietly as she joined us at the top of the stairs.

" One sec, " I said, " We're focusing. "

" No, It can't wait. " Her voice was strained and glanced over my shoulder at her. The worry was evident on her face and Rusty saw it too.

" She's not coming. " he muttered numbly.

" No, " Casey stopped him. " I mean I'm sure she is. It isn't' about Hannah. You have company. "

" Company ? Who would be here to see me ? " He asked, stepping around me.

" Um, Jenn. " she finally said, " She's in the living room. "

" What ? " He asked, quickly. " My Jenn ? "

Casey nodded. " Yep and I think Dad is in there with her. So you might want to hurry and rescue her. "

" I don't know what to say to her. " I mumbled.

" Well, obviously she has something to say to you. How did she even find out where you live ? " Casey asked.

" I sent her a letter. " he answered quietly.

" Oh, " she replied. " So, it's a good thing, her being here ? "

" I didn't expect her to show up here. She said she was visiting her Aunt and Uncle here. I mentioned that I was going to be home for the holidays. What am I going to say to her ? "

" What do you want to say to her ? " I asked, intruding on there conversation.

" I miss her. " he answered, looking at his feet.

" That sounds like a good start to me. " I told him with a pat on the back and a nudge towards the stairs.

" So, you're encouraging this ? " Casey demanded once he was out of sight.

" Are you not ? " I was a little stunned but her tone.

" I don't know. " She turned away and went to her bedroom, I followed along after her.

" Do we really want her hanging around with us again ? " she said, after I shut the door.

" Is that really our choice to make ? "

" I guess it really isn't. I'm just not sure I'm ready to forgive her. "

I pulled her into my arms and she rested her back against my chest. We sat there on the bed, wrapped around each other for a long silent moment.

" I'm not sure I'm ready to be okay with her either, actually. " I said finally. " I don't like that most of that article was about you. I know she didn't use your name, but I seriously doubt there is anyone on campus that doesn't know who she was writing about. That bothers me. "

She leaned her head towards me so she could see my face. " Really ? That's a little surprising. Nothing ever bothers you. "

" It bothers me when people do things that hurt you. " I answered, nuzzling my nose into her hair.

" That's really nice. Would you beat someone up for being mean to me ? " She teased.

" I might. " I laughed, " Did you have someone in mind ? " I honestly thought she was thinking about Evan. I expected her to say that she wanted me to beat him up for her.

" Well, there is this Senator's daughter that has been driving me crazy. " she mused.

I tensed instantly and she felt it. I tried to keep myself calm and relaxed, to not let on that Rebbecca was even someone I knew. But like I said, I could never keep anything from her for long.

" What ? " She turned in my arms. " What is it ? I really was just joking. I don't expect you to go beat Rebbecca up for me. "

I forced a smile and tried to laugh it off. " Are you sure ? I know how much you don't like each other. "

She settled back against me and felt the tension leave me with a barely disguised sigh of relief.

" You know I thought at first that I had read her wrong. That maybe she was just an innocent victim in everything. " She thought out loud. " But then the thing with my room happened and all the snide little comments. I really hate that girl. And she has definitely got it out for me. It's like she looks for ways to get to me. I'm really surprised she hasn't gone after you yet. "

" After me ? Why would she go after me ? " I could hear the near panic in my voice and I prayed that she was too into her own thoughts to notice it.

She turned again. She was staring at me so intently, I suddenly had trouble breathing. " She did, didn't she ? "

I swallowed hard and forced myself not to look away from her. " Did what ? "

" She came on to you. " Her tone said she was certain she was right.

" Let's just say, we've met. " I faked a smile and shrugged. God, this was torture.

" I should have known. I bet she went for you the second she found out about us. That's just like her. "

She drew in against me and kissed me. " I'm glad you saw through her. "

" Casey, " I pushed her away and took a deep breath. " I should tell you - "

The door burst open at that exact moment and Casey's Mom came through it with a huge smile.

" Who is that sweet girl downstairs ? " she asked, brightly.

Casey sat up away from me and smiled sweetly at her mother. " That is Rusty's girlfriend, or she was at least. I'm not exactly sure what's going on now. "

Her mother's eyes darted between us. " Did I interrupt something ? I guess I should have knocked. I'm just not used to having to. I forget. "

" No, " Casey waved her off. " It's fine, Mom. Did you overhear anything down there ? What's going on ? "

" Now, Casey, you know I wouldn't eavesdrop on your brother's private conversation. "

" Right, right. Now what did you hear ? " she insisted.

" Well, I was just going to ask Rusty to help me with a few package in the car, and I saw him and the young lady sitting on the sofa, very close to each other, talking. " She said, casting a glance over her shoulder.

" What were they saying ? "

" She said she was happy to get his letter and that she missed him. And he said I know, you call me every Wednesday and say ' It's Wednesday and I still miss you'. Isn't that the sweetest thing ? " Mrs. Cartwright was practically giggling.

I looked at Casey and she looked at me and we both knew right then that we would have to make our peace with Jenn.

" Maybe I can fix Hannah up with one of the guys at the house. " I laughed.

" Cappie, would you be a dear and help with those packages, I hate to ask. But I don't want to disturb Rusty right now ? " She gave me that sweet, warm smile that always seemed to be just a breath away from her face.

I was loading myself down with several bags of groceries when Derek and his little sister arrived. I knew immediately why Rusty had been so nervous as soon as my eyes landed on the small, petite red head with a pair of hypnotic, penetrating green eyes. Yeah, she wouldn't have any trouble at all finding people to help her out around campus. I knew for certain if I did hook her up with one of the guys from the house, they were going to owe me, big time.

I was helping put the groceries away when a pair of warm hands slid around my waist and I felt Casey lay her head against my back. I stopped instantly and turned in her arms, though I did feel a little awkward with her mother inches from us, taking a can of soup out of the bag behind me.

Mrs. Cartwright glanced over her shoulder at Derek and looked back at us knowingly. Apparently she wasn't quite as astute as her husband. I don't think she had caught on yet that we weren't just hamming it up for the crowd.

" I was thinking about trying that snowman again, if your up for it. " she smiled up at me. " Maybe Derek and Hannah can help. "

We all agreed and started towards the front door to begin the bundling up process.

" Damn ! " Casey muttered as she searched through the pockets of her jacket. " I think I left my gloves upstairs. I'll be back. "

" I'll get them. " I volunteered. " I need to grab mine, too. "

I took off up the stairs and went immediately to her room. As my eyes scanned the area looking for the gloves, a trill from her desk told me she had just gotten an e-mail message. I don't know what possessed me to look to see who was sending the message. But I did and as Evan's screen name that he had used since freshman year appeared. I couldn't keep myself from clicking the mouse and opening the message.

_Casey, _

_I've been trying to call, but you aren't answering your phone. I know you're still mad at me. I know I shouldn't have yelled and stormed out like I did. But yesterday after we talked, I thought you may have forgiven me. Please call me when you get this. I need to know that I may still be a chance with you. _

_Evan_

I don't know how long I stared at the words sitting in front of me. She talked to him yesterday and didn't tell me. How could she not tell me ? How could she not say something about this ? I suddenly felt very stupid. Something in the back of my mind had been nagging me all along not trust her again. Something told me she was using me as a nice holiday distraction. But I hadn't wanted to believe it. I didn't let myself believe it until now. Now it was staring me right in the face.

I could see it as clearly as if it had already happened. She would use me until we got back to school, then she would dump me like yesterday's trash and go running back to him. Now I understood why she wouldn't say she loved me yet. Because she didn't. And she never would again. It really was over and I was just kidding myself, pretending that it wasn't.

" Cap, did you find my gloves ? " her voice poured over me like ice water.

I didn't move. Couldn't will my body to respond to my commands.

Her hand fell to my shoulder and I wanted to shrug it off, but still I was helpless to move.

" What is it ? " she asked as her eyes fell to the computer. Then she stepped in front of me, a look of panic on her face. " I can explain. "

I finally won enough control to raise my hand. " Don't. " I told her.

Then I turned around and left her room as quickly as I could manage. I heard her calling my name as I closed the door behind me.


	9. Chapter 9

I sat alone in my room trying to decide what I was going to do next. I wanted to leave. I wanted to jump in my piece of crap and be on the road back to CRU before nightfall. Then I thought about that. I knew I would never be able to leave things between us the way they were.

I was so angry I wasn't thinking straight.

Then another thought hit me. I was being such a hypocrite. Here I was mad because she didn't tell me she TALKED to Evan. After what happened with Rebbecca, how could I be angry with her ?

My head was pounding. How did this get so complicated ? How did everything get so twisted ?

I shifted on the bed and memories of the night before came crashing down on me like a weight, suffocating the air from my lungs. I had to talk to her. I had to come clean and get everything out in the open. We were never going to be right until we stopped lying to each other, keeping things from each other. I had to be honest with her and hope to God she forgave me.

I had just about convinced myself that I was ready to see her when a knock came to the door.

A second later Rusty stuck his head in and gave me a weak, nervous smile.

" Hey, " he said, coming inside and closing the door behind him. " What's going on ? Casey is in her room and won't open the door. You're in here by yourself. Derek and Hannah are wondering if the snowman thing is still gonna happen. "

" Casey's been talking to Evan. " I told him quietly as I tried to mask the shakiness.

His eyebrows shot up to his hairline and he sat down on the foot of the bed. " Really ? What did she say to him ? "

" I don't know. I didn't wait around to find out. "

He shifted. " How do you know ? Did she tell you ? "

I told him about the e-mail and the look in his eyes said he thought I'd messed up pretty badly.

" You opened her e-mail ? Why would you do that ? " he asked.

" I don't know. " I sighed. " I was looking for her gloves and I heard the beep and I just couldn't help myself. "

He didn't answer, instead he stared straight ahead, his eyes focused on nothing in particular.

" I know. I invaded her privacy. I shouldn't have. I don't know what made me do it. "

He turned to me at last. " Maybe you did it because you don't trust her. "

I shook my head. " That's not true. I trust her. Or I did. "

" You trusted her so much, you read her mail behind her back ? I think maybe that should tell you something. "

I jerked my eyes away from him. " Yeah, it tells me I'm an asshole. " I muttered.

" You aren't an asshole. But I"m a little curious. " he paused like he wasn't sure about his next statement. " Have you told her about Rebbecca ? Or are you planning on just keeping it a secret ? Because Rebbecca does seem like the type to not use something like that to her advantage. "

" I haven't told her. I wasn't going to tell her yet. See, I am an asshole. "

He smiled at me but there was no humor in his eyes. " I hate that this is happening. I really wanted to see you two together. You make her so happy. I haven't seen her smile in the last eighteen years as much as I saw her smile yesterday. "

" You think I should tell her about Rebbecca ? I'm not sure now is the right time. "

He shrugged. " Is there ever going to be a right time to tell her something like that ? "

" I guess not. " I mumbled. Then decided I didn't want to talk about me anymore. " What happened with Jenn ? "

" She's downstairs with Mom. " I saw the blush rising in his cheeks and I knew it had gone well. " We talked. "

" And you forgave her and everything is roses again ? " I urged him on.

" Well, maybe not roses, but it's getting there. "

" That's great, Russ. I'm glad it's working out for you. " I leaned in a little. " Let me let you in on a little secret. "

He leaned closer and I lowered my voice. " You never really get over your first love. "

He smiled and slapped me on the back. " Oh, I know and that I way you are getting off your ass and going across the hall. "

" Yes, I am. " I told him in a confident voice that was the exact opposite of the feelings churning in my stomach.

I felt like I was walking to my doom. Maybe I was. Maybe this sense of finality that was taking me over was prophetic. But if it was. If this thing between Casey and I was truly over, then I needed to know. It was time to find out exactly what we were doing and why. It was truth time.

My hand was shaking as I raised it and knocked on her door. She, of course didn't answer. So I opened the door and walked inside slowly.

She was laying in a pile in the middle of her bed, her knees in her chest and eyes locked on mine as I came to sit beside her.

" Okay, " I took a deep breath. " I'm so sorry I opened your mail. I had no right. I had no business and I feel terrible. "

She sat up. " I should have told you that Evan called yesterday. But I honestly hadn't thought about it all day. I was having such a good time with you, he wasn't even a blip on my radar. "

I swallowed, hard. Nice, I thought, I really am an asshole. " He said he thought you forgave him. " I was trying desperately to make myself feel better, which only served to make me feel worse.

" Yeah, " she sighed. " That's what he said. I told him I didn't want to talk to him. But that's what Evan does. He railroads his way through people. Telling them how they're supposed to feel and how they should see things. "

She moved across the bed and put her arms around me. I let her, taking her against me and letting myself indulge in her warmth. Then she whispered into my neck. I didn't catch it at first it was so quiet, but when I didn't respond. She repeated it louder.

" I love you. "

Fuck ! I didn't know what to do. My mind was screaming at me to tell her. I needed to tell her. Keeping it from her was tearing me up inside. But she leaned back a little and looked into my eyes with such love and tenderness. I just couldn't do it. I tried to force the words from my mouth.

They were right there on the tip of my tongue. In my mind I heard the words coming out, I had sex with Rebbecca. What she heard was, " I love you, too. "

" I'm so sorry I didn't tell you he called me. I should have. I know I should have. I really did just forget all about it. " she was talking and I was holding her and at first I was confused. Why was she apologizing to me when I just told her everything ? Then my brain caught up to my mouth and I realized that my body was betraying me. I had an all out mutiny on my hands. My body knew what it needed, it needed her. It was the survival instinct again. Somehow, my heart had figured out what my brain was trying to do and it had put a stop to the whole thing.

" Cappie, What's wrong ? " her face was full of concern as she looked at me intently.

I nodded. " Nothing. Everything's fine. "

" You have that same look you had this morning. I know you better than you know you. Something is bothering you. "

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. There was no more hiding. I had to tell her about Rebbecca. This was my chance. If I came clean now, maybe she could forgive me. If I didn't , I knew she wouldn't. In order to have even a small chance of keeping her, I was going to have to hurt her and I couldn't stand that.

" There is something that's bothering me. " I began slowly.

But she cut me off before I got any further. " I knew it. You're still worried I'm going to leave you when we get back to school. You think I'm going back to Evan the first chance I get. " She took my hands in hers and looked into my eyes. " I love you. I'm not going to leave. This is where I want to be. You are where I want to be. What do I have to do to make you trust me again ? "

I swallowed again. It was like she was intentionally making this impossible.

Her next move confirmed it completely. She reached up and unfastened the thin piece of leather I always wore around my neck. Then she pulled her hair to the side and fastened it around her own neck. She was wearing my lavaliere. She took my lavaliere. The oblong, golden medallion with the letters _KTG _etched in black never looked so wonderful when it was on my neck. She made it glow. My heart skipped a full beat as I sat there staring at the shiny pendant. I could feel tears stinging my eyes.

There was no way I was going to tell her now. This was a declaration. Her way of telling the world that she was mine and I was hers. There would be no hiding when we returned to school, no pretending. She was wearing my letters proudly displayed for all to see.

I was totally speechless. This was new territory for us. We had never gone so far as to make this kind of commitment to each other.

Her face clouded over as she continued to stare at me. " If you don't won't me to wear it..." her hand came up and clasped the necklace. " I'll give it back. "

I pulled her hand away and managed a smile. " Absolutely not. It looks perfect. "

Still she hesitated. " Are you sure ? You still look a little freaked out. "

I grabbed her to me and kissed her. There was nothing I could say to explain how I felt seeing her wearing my lavaliere but maybe I could show her. Her arms were around my shoulders pulling me deeper into the kiss. Soon we were stretched out side by side on the bed, kissing feverishly. Her hands tugged at my shirt. Mine tugged at hers.

Then we both froze as we heard a throat being cleared.

" I guess I really do need to start knocking. " Her mother announced as she regarded us with amusement on her pleasant face.

" Mom ! " Casey exclaimed turned in my arms and trying to right her shirt.

" Oh please. It's okay. I was just coming to tell you lunch is ready. " Her eyes strayed to the pendant around Casey's neck and she stepped closer to examine it better. " Although, I must say, " she picked up the necklace and eyed it carefully. " I thought you were just putting on a show for Derek. "

Then her eyes came to rest on me. " I remember now where I'd heard your name before. " She was smiling and I relaxed just a bit. " Casey's first year. You were all she talked about when she called home. But I haven't heard anything about you since that summer. "

I looked to Casey who was blushing where she sat beside me. " Mom ! " she whispered impatiently.

" Oh, alright. " her mother waved her off. " I'm going. I just want to say I'm glad to see you have settled you differences. I always thought it such a shame that you disappeared like that. She seemed to be so happy her first year. "

" Mother ! " Casey was really getting flustered now.

I wanted to laugh. She was adorable as she tried to shoo her mother out the door before she embarrassed her further.

" I'm sorry about her. " she said when Mrs. Cartwright finally left. " Sometimes she just doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut. "

Now I did laugh. " Why would you not want me to know you told your folks about me ? "

" I don't know. I guess I just felt kinda lame, calling home and going on and on about you. Like some giggling school girl with a crush. "

I pulled her against me again. " So I make you giggle ? " I teased as I nuzzled her hair.

" I don't giggle." she insisted.

" Oh, really ? " That was a challenge I couldn't refuse. I let my hand slowly fall down her side, barely touching her skin as I kissed her softly.

My fingertips brushed over her ribs. She whispered my name as I dropped my lips to her neck and lightly scattered kisses there, distracting her from my descending hand.

When my fingers reached her waist, I threw down the gauntlet, tickling her mercilessly until a rapturous giggle escaped from her lips.

" Okay, " she panted, as she struggled to get away from me. " You make me giggle. Are you happy now ? "

" Um, " I pretended to think about that. " Let's see I have you giggling and squirming in my arms while wearing my letters. I don't think I could possibly be happier. "

" Oh, I think I could manage to make you happier. " she looked up at me seductively. " But lunch is waiting on us. And we have company. "

" Well, then maybe after everyone goes to bed tonight, I can meet you here and give you a chance to see if you can top this. " I smiled back at her, burying my head in her neck.

" That sounds like a dare. " she sighed as I nipped at her throat.

" It is. " I chuckled. " As a matter of fact, I double dog dare you to try. "

" Oh , now. " she smiled brightly as she sat up and rested her hand on the upper part of my thigh. " You know I can't resist a double dog dare. "

I grabbed her hand as she started to move it further up my leg. " Hey, we have to go to lunch now. "

" Fine. " she exclaimed, sticking her tongue out at me and getting up quickly.

I followed her out of the room and down the stairs. " So you have a crush on me ? " I asked as we went down.

She stopped suddenly as spun towards me. " Who told you that ? " she demanded.

" You did. You said you felt silly calling home like a school girl with a crush. " I reminded her.

" Oh, well then, maybe I do. " she smiled.

I pulled her into me for another quick kiss. " It's okay. I think I have a crush on you, too. "

" Ah, isn't this cute. " a voice said from the bottom of the stairs.

We broke apart and looked around to find Rusty standing there with Jenn on one side of him and Hannah on the other.

" Piss off, Russ. " Casey told him before coming back to me.

" Mom said to hurry up. You're holding up lunch. " he told us before taking Jenn's hand and leading her into the dining room.

Hannah still stood there. I noticed her watching Rusty intently as he retreated.

Now, that was quite an interesting development. My little buddy had two women chasing after him. I smiled with pride as I watched her follow after him.

" What is with the shit-eating grin ? " Casey asked as we broke apart and she continued down the stairs.

" It seems Rusty's crush my have one on him as well. " I told her in a hushed tone.

" Uh-uh ! "

" Well, unless I miss my guess. Hannah was just checking him out. "

" Wow, Hannah likes Rusty. I didn't see that one coming. " she mused out loud.

" And why not ? Rusty is a fine looking young man and he's had me for a teacher for almost six months now. I think it's perfectly reasonable to assume he would be desired by the fairer sex. " I pretended outrage.

" Right. " she rolled her eyes at me. " Under you tutelage he's learned to play beer pong and not spit out the tequila when he takes a shot. You must be so proud. "

" Ah, yes, But despite the fact that he now knows how to swallow instead of spit, he will forever be known as Spitter. " I put my hand over my heart.

I loved making her laugh. It was one of my favorite sounds in the world and my speech was rewarded with a hearty one.

" You have to tell me all about CRU. " Hannah told Casey as she sat next to her.

I liked the girl. She was friendly and perky. She was even funny when she told us about her troubles at Berkeley where she was currently attending school.

Apparently there was an over amorous undergrad there that was constantly chasing after her, making an idiot of himself.

" Well, we have several really great programs. Our physic department is one of the best in the country. So is our Psychology department. " Casey answered, acting like a living brochure.

" What about the social scene ? " she asked.

Yep, my kind of girl. I smiled.

I was about to tell her all about the parties and fun we had at CRU when I remembered where I was and more importantly who was listening in.

" I'll bet you all have some great parties. " Mr. Cartwright interjected from the head of the table.

I shrugged. " We have our share. But really it's more about the learning. "

He laughed out loud. " Aren't you the president of the Kappa Tau's ? "

I jerked my head around to him and looked at him carefully.

" I went to CRU. I'm an alumni. I know all about the Kappa Tau house. " he nodded knowingly.

Casey's mother was looking between us like she'd miss a punchline in a joke. Rusty was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. And Casey was looking at me.

" Yes, Sir. I am the president of the Kappa Tau Gamma Fraternity. " I answered.

" Oh, don't look at me like that, Son. I appreciate the fact that you all work hard at your classes you need some time to just blow off some steam. I think it's great that the Kappa's provide that for the entire campus. " He smiled. " You, gentleman serve a need. "

I looked doubtful. " We serve a need ? "

" Yeah, you give the other folks a place to come and let themselves go. " His eyes got a kind of glazed over look in them. " I spent many nights at the Kappa Tau house when I was in school. I'm glad to see the tradition continuing. " Then he looked to Rusty. " And I couldn't be prouder that my son is a part of that. Well, not the drinking part, since he isn't old enough for that. " He glanced to his wife and she smiled at him sweetly.

The whole think was kind of hilarious. I don't think I'd ever seen a parent react like that to our organization. We tried our best to keep our reputation from parents. Most didn't approve so overwhelmingly of our goals and principals.

Goals and principals. I heard you snickering. Yes, we have them. We are very proud of them. It's much like Mr. Cartwright explained. We serve a need on campus. Fill a purpose. We Kappa Tau's take that purpose very seriously.

" So the Kappa Tau house is the place to go for the parties ? " Hannah asked, bring my attention back to her.

" Well, all the Greek house's have their share of social events. " Casey answered before I could.

Rusty smiled brightly. " We just have more than our share. "

Did I mention that I love the snow ? After lunch Rusty jumped on the snowman band wagon and we were now, all five of us, outside forming large clumps of snow into balls.

Derek, Casey and I were working on one. Rusty, Jenn and Hannah were on another. We almost had our snowman assembled. They were still working on the bottom half of theirs. This could probably be because Rusty and Jenn were too busy playing with each other to concentrate on the snow much. I noticed Hannah working diligently at finishing the bottom ball of snow as they were lobing snowballs at each other once again.

It reminded me of yesterday in the backyard with Casey and I had to stop and kiss her.

" How long have you been together ? " Hannah asked as we let each other go.

" Since Freshman year. Two and a half years. " Casey smiled.

" That is so nice. You really fit together. I can tell. " she answered.

" What about you ? You leaving a Mr. Right back at Berkeley ? " I asked, flopping down in the snow beside her.

Her eyes flicked quickly to Rusty. If I hadn't been watching for it I would have missed. " No, I keep to myself a lot. "

" Why is that ? "

" I don't know. Not a lot of guys go for the science geek girl, I guess. " her answer was distant and quiet.

" Now, that can't be true. Surely you have more than just the creepy guy you were telling us about chasing after you. " I assured her.

" No, really. It's just him. "

I started to help her as she started on the snowman's body. " Well, I'm sure we can do something about that. "

Her eyes brightened and she looked at me like I'd just told her she'd won the lottery. " Really ? "

" I have a few friends. " I shrugged.

" You'd set me up with one of them ? " She was practically giddy.

" Beaver. " Casey yelled over her shoulder where she was forming our own snowman's body.

" You think ? " I asked, looking over at her. " I was thinking about Heath. "

Rusty nearly tripped over his own feet. Apparently he was listening to us as he wrestled with Jenn.

" Cap, Hannah really isn't Heath's type. " he told me.

I was missing something. Heath was a nice guy. Hannah appeared to be a nice girl. I didn't understand why she wasn't his type. " What do you mean ? Why isn't she ? "

Rusty stood up suddenly and came to sit beside me. " Cal left the Omega Chi's. " He announced solemnly.

I nodded. I had heard about this on the trip to Chicago. " Well, I didn't tell you why he left. "

I raised my eyebrows expectantly. " Okay, I'll bite. Why did he leave ? "

" They found out he's gay and apparently they weren't really okay with it. " he explained patiently.

" What has this got to do with Hannah not being- " the cold was obviously numbing my brain, but I got it finally. " Heath is gay. "

" I'm not sure. I don't know that for a fact, but I do know he's really good friends with Cal. I've seen them together more than a few times. " Rusty told me, looking like he was informing me of the boy's impending death.

" Okay, " I shrugged. " I guess maybe Beaver then. Or Wade. "

Rusty looked at me. " That's it. I mean, I'm not surprised that you don't care that Heath may be gay, but do you think everyone else is going to have a problem with it ? "

I laughed. " Hell no, We don't care about shit like that. Did you really think any of us would ? "

" Well, " he smiled lamely. " I thought after the problems with the Omega Chi's and Cal.. I just wanted to tell you what I thought was going on so you could handle it if it might be a problem."

" There isn't going to be a problem, Russ. It's fine. No one at the house will care if and when he decides to make his preferences known. " I assured him. " And for that matter, if Cal is looking for a place to hang his hat, I'd be happy to see what I could do. "

" You'd do that ? " he asked, looking shocked.

I rolled my eyes at him. " Were you there when he kicked our ass at floor hockey ? "

Rusty's response was a snowball to my shoulder.

Which I quickly countered with a snowball to his face.

This was obviously too much excitement for Jenn and Casey to miss out on because both of them tackled us to the ground as they intruded on our fun.

Rusty didn't seem to mind anymore than I did as he grabbed Jenn and wrestled her into the snow, ducking several swinging hands in the process and ending up with a face full of snow.

I barely caught all of this as Casey was busy trying to put a fair amount of snow down my shirt. Her cold hand brushed against my collarbone and I howled at the intrusion.

" Hey, " Derek called with a laugh. " Get a room. All of you. "

It was another wonderful day all around at the Cartwright Christmas Wonderland and as I laid there in the snow with Casey's body covering mine, there were absolutely no thoughts of Rebbecca Logan in my mind.


	10. Chapter 10

Casey was in her normal position of late, sitting on the love seat so close to me I could smell her perfume and it was driving me insane as I tried without much success to concentrate on watching 'How the Grinch stole Christmas '. Her head was resting against my shoulder. My arm was drape over the back of the sofa and I was completely and utterly in Heaven.

This was one of the most mundane moments in my life. Rusty was on the couch, lounging carelessly with his feet on the arm. Casey's father was in his chair. The snow was drifting softly in the window. The only light in the room came from the huge Christmas tree with its twinkling white lights and a fire roaring in the fireplace. And Oscar was sleeping peacefully on the rug.

It was mundane. No one was talking, nothing important was happening. Yet I knew, as I settled further into the comfort of the cushions surrounding me, that it was a moment I would never forget. Something about it was so comfortable, so serene and peaceful, I was certain it would stick with me forever.

Casey shifted slightly and looked at me. Looking down into her beautiful green eyes, shining back at me, I was even more certain.

She leaned up and kissed me softly, her lips barely brushing against mine. From somewhere in the distance I heard a phone ringing, but no one made a move to answer it. I assumed they all figured that Mrs. Cartwright, who was puttering around in the kitchen, baking something from the wonderful smells drifting our way, would get it.

She entered the room a few minutes later. " Gloria and Joe are taking the kids to visit Santa. It's at the mall. They were wondering if we wanted to go with them, maybe finish up our last minute shopping. "

Mr. Cartwright looked away from the television. " I do need to grab a few things. It would be easier if we all went together. What about you all, do you want to come along ? "

Rusty sat up quickly. " I need to find a present for Jenn. " he announced. " I didn't get her anything before. "

" I'm good. " Casey muttered. " I just want to sit here and enjoy not doing anything. "

" Well, I'm glad you want to stay home, honey. I have some goodies in the oven and Gloria was wondering if maybe, " she paused and Casey sat up and looked at her critically. " would you mind too terribly if she left Lucy here with you ? "

Casey smiled. " I don't mind at all. "

" Oh good. It would make things much easier on us, not having to worry with a stroller and all. " Marge smiled. " Cappie, how about you ? Do you have everything you need for Christmas morning ?"

I didn't really. I had a few more presents to add to my list, but I really didn't want to miss the opportunity to spend the evening alone with Casey. " I think I have it all taken care of. But thank you."

I smiled at Casey. " Besides, Casey is hopeless in the kitchen. I should probably stay and save whatever you're baking. "

She punched me.

" Are you telling me your boyfriend is a better cook than you are ? " Her father demanded.

" Cappie is a great cook. " Rusty interjected. " He cooks at the house all the time. He saves us from pizza every night. "

" Well, " Marge smiled. " At least now I know Casey won't starve to death. "

The house was suddenly very quiet and very empty. I was standing in the kitchen checking on the lemon bars that were baking away in the hot oven.

Satisfied that everything was well with the baked goods, I went back to the living room.

Casey was holding a bottle in one hand and Lucy in the other. The baby was peacefully eating, making soft little sucking noises as she did so.

I looked on from the doorway, not wanting to disturb either of them. Casey had that look once again. She was glowing as she looked down at the beautiful baby in her arms.

Finally unable to keep away any longer I came and settled myself beside them, laying a soft kiss to the top of her head as I passed.

" I love babies. " she smiled. " I love that little sounds they make when they eat and they way they smell. Their chubby little cheeks and pudgy little fingers. "

She was practically giggling again. I looked down at the baby and noticed that she had her chubby little fist locked around my lavaliere. It made me smile.

" Yeah, " Casey smiled in return as she noticed where my eyes had landed. " I guess she's a born sorority girl, too. "

I brushed my finger against her tiny hand as Casey put the empty bottle aside. Lucy's eyes landed on me and she gave me a huge, bright, toothless smile. " Ah, " Casey cooed at the baby. " She likes you. "

I could feel a definite estrogen moment coming on. Women tend to get funny around babies. I don't know if it's the maternal instinct or something about their biological clock. All I knew was that women holding babies were usual emotional and gushy. Strangely I didn't mind so much. Any other woman in this situation would have had me running for the nearest football game and beer. But with her it just didn't bother me.

" Do you want children someday down the road ? " She made it sound like a random, off handed question, but I could tell there was more to it than that.  
" Oh, yeah. " I answered honestly. " I was an only child growing up. I hated it. I want a whole house full of children. "

" Me, too. Evan and I talked about it once and it was so funny. He even had our children planned out for us. He wanted two, of course, a boy and a girl. We were going to name them after his parents and they were going to be the most well behaved, cutest little blond children you ever meet. " She sighed and gave me a lopsided smile. " To tell the truth, the whole conversation left me feeling kinda creeped out. "

" I imagine it would with children named Preston and Edith, running around like little Stepford kids. It kinda creeps me out actually. " I laughed.

" So what do you want ? " Again the question seemed much important under the surface than it appeared.

" I don't care. Boy, girl, good, bad, it doesn't really matter to me that much. "

" Really, you've never pictured how your children would be ? " she asked.

I chuckled. " We men don't really do that until we are faced with the very real reality of the thing. I don't know one guy that sits around picturing his future children. "

" Well, " she said, very primly. " We girls do it all the time. "

" Oh, I know it scares the hell out of us usually. "

She laughed. " Don't get all jittery, I didn't say I wanted children next week. But after college and I get settled into a career, I want lots of children. "

" With big green eyes and blond hair that are always well behaved and have the best manners ? " I wanted to know. I was curious about how she pictured these children of hers.

She shook her head. " No, that isn't how I see them at all. I see at least one with brown eyes, like Rusty and his goofy looking nose. " I laughed at this. " That is smarter than I am by the time he's ten and he makes me feel completely stupid every time he says anything. " I could really see this child in my mind. " Another one is blond and pretty and gets everything she asks for. "

" Oh, a mini you ? " I teased.

" Exactly, " she confirmed. " The rest of them are all wild and out of control and they make me want to scream most of the time. " She looked at me and there was almost a shyness in her eyes. " You know, Mini yous. "

I shifted a little but was surprised that again, I wasn't running for the nearest exit. " You want to have children with me ? "

She looked down at the baby in her arms. Lucy was trying desperately to get my lavaliere into her mouth. " Maybe, someday. " She pulled it to the side out of the baby's reach and let her grab her finger instead, wrapping her fat little fingers around it and dragging it to her mouth. " You know, even when I was with Evan., that is how I pictured my children. I didn't realize that other than those two they all looked like you. But they did. "

I leaned over and kissed her softly, not really knowing what to say to that.

" Take her for a minute. I need to check the bars and my phone, Ashleigh is supposed to call tonight. " She said, and without waiting for an answer she thrust the baby into my arms and left me there.

Lucy was smiling at me again and reaching out the grab hold of a lock of my hair that had fallen into my face. I brushed it away before she could get to it and looked down at her thoughtfully.

Her skin was dark, making me think that perhaps her father was Latino. Her eyes were bright and huge and a rich shade of brown that reminded me of chocolate milk.

She made a sound that closely resembled a gurgle and I settled her more comfortably in my arms, letting her tiny head rest against my chest. Soon her eyelid seemed to be getting heavier and the time between blinks was drawing out until finally she didn't open them again.

She was making soft cooing noises in her sleep and I rested back against the couch, holding her too me and let the sound of her sighs lull me into a peaceful, comfortable place. As I watched the strange shadows the Christmas lights were making against the white wall my eyelids became heavy as well and soon I joined Lucy in sleep.

" Hey, " I heard Casey whispering in my ear softly. " Aunt Gloria wants her baby back. "

I shifted and noticed the weight still resting in my arms. As Casey took her from me and I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, Rusty plopped down beside me.

" That was the cutest thing I've ever seen. The guys are going to love it. I got a great picture. " he smiled smugly.

" Well, then I guess I'll have to send them a shot of the Care Bear I saw in your room. " I sighed in mock disappointment. " I was really hoping to keep that little gem to myself. Maybe I'll send them a picture of the little Darth Vader action figure instead. "

" Alright, " he threw his hands in the air. " You win. Your secret is safe with me. "

" What secret ? " Casey asked, coming to sit on the arm of the couch beside me.

" Oh, you know, I was going to let the house know all about Cappie's sensitive side, but I decided against it. " Rusty shrugged.

" Really ? Well that's probably for the best. We wouldn't want it getting out that you wet the bed until you were almost ten years old. " Her smile was full of venom.

" I did not ! " he exclaimed over my laughter. " We are so going to your house for the next holiday. I'll bet your parents have all kinds of interesting stories about you. I bet they even call you by your real name. "

" Alright, " I conceded. " How about a truce ? I'll keep your secrets and you won't invite yourself home with me next time my Mom calls. "

I suddenly had a strange urge as I looked around the room and I acted on it. I flopped down in the middle of the floor and started wrestling with a delighted Oscar. He playfully nipped at my hand as I grabbed hold of his nose and shook it without mercy. He growled at me, and I growled back, surprising him and causing his ears to perk up. He leaped into my chest, knocking me backwards and licking my face ferociously.

" Oh, Casey. " Mrs. Cartwright laughed from the kitchen doorway. " A man that loves babies and animals. You have definitely found a keeper. "

" Yeah, " Mr. Cartwright agreed. " This one is much better than that other boy we meet. "

I stopped suddenly and sat up. " Other boy ? " I asked, looking at Casey.

" They meet Evan at the beginning of the year when they dropped in for a visit. " she commented offhandedly.

I was a little shocked. We had dated for over a year and I hadn't gotten the chance to meet her parents. They visited during that year but I was kept out of the way. Told that she wasn't ready for them to meet me. I accepted that, albeit a tad grudgingly.

Then when my parents showed up out of the blue, I introduced her without hesitating. It kind of bothered me to know that Casey had introduced her parents to Evan like that.

" Well, I'm glad to see Casey has made a better choice this time. " Mrs. Cartwright smiled. " I swear the whole time I was with that other boy, I felt like my slip was showing. "

I laughed out loud. I knew exactly what she meant. I'll bet Evan spent the entire visit looking down his nose at these wonderful people.

" I'm going to turn in I think. Jeff and Tommy will be here in the morning I'm sure. " Casey announced as she stood and stretched. Then she kissed me on the cheek and retreated up the stairs.

" I don't think we were supposed to mention that other boy. " Marge said conspiratorially as she sat down in her chair.

" No, " I waved her off. " I mean, I don't know if Casey cares or not, but I don't. "

" So you knew about her and what's his name. " Glen asked.

" Oh, yeah. Evan and I have meet. We were roommates in Freshman year actually. " I nodded.

" Well, I wouldn't let him worry you. He called here yesterday but I answered it and told him Casey was happy and he should just leave her alone. " Marge smiled at me warmly.

" You told him I was here ? " I asked, moving to the couch despite Oscar's protests.

When I abandoned him, he jumped to the couch beside me and rested his head on my leg. I absented rubbed his ears.

" I told him she'd brought a friend home. I hope that's okay. "

I couldn't hide the smile that was threatening to take over my face. " No, that's perfectly okay. " I sighed and stretched. " I think I'm going to go up as well. I understand that I might have a football game coming up tomorrow and I'd hate for them to beat me too badly. "

The light under Casey's door was out so I didn't know if I should knock or not. I decided instead to crack it open and see if she was still awake.

What I saw caused a shiver up my spine and my legs went completely numb.

Casey was laying on her bed, lighted only by the soft moonlight that invaded the room through the open blinds. She was dressed in a small, very, very small pink negligee, laying back with her hair falling over her shoulders and a soft smile on her lips.

" I thought you were never going to get up here. I was about to give up and go to bed. " she said as she rolled to her side and gave me her seductive eyes.

I finally got the feeling back in my feet and made my way to the bed. I stood there looking down at her thoughtfully.

" What ? " she asked finally, when I hadn't moved for a long moment.

" I just can't believe that I'm here. " I answered her honestly.

She took my hand and lead my down to the bed beside her. " I can't believe you're here either, really. You have no idea how much I missed you. "

I looked at skeptically " Really ? Did you really miss me ? "

" Of course, why would you ask me that ? I've told you I missed you already. " she said, sitting up beside me.

I ran my hand threw my hair, pushing it away from my face. " It's just so hard to believe. You had Evan, Mr. Perfect. I can't believe you missed me when he was with you. "

She sighed and tried to cover her heaping bosom, which was trying to escape the satin material of her nightgown, by crossing her arms over her chest.

" Do you really want to hear this ? " she began.

I Hesitated. Seeing the look on her face I was suddenly not so sure. But I took a deep breath and nodded with a sense of resolve I really wasn't feeling.

" Okay, I used to stay over at the Omega Chi house a lot. " I nodded, " Especially before the whole thing with Rebbecca. Anyway, I was there in that huge, stuffy, oppressive house and most nights I wouldn't be able to sleep. Evan, " she smiled a bit, " well after sex, nothing keeps Evan awake. " I looked away from her. No, I suddenly really didn't want to hear this. " Just listen for a minute. "

I turned back to her and she gave me a thankful smile. " So Evan would be laying there snoring away beside me and I couldn't sleep. But one of the things I loved about the house was that the windows in Evan's room opened up to the roof. So after he fell asleep I would go out there and sit on the roof. " She shifted a bit and I moved, letting her fold herself into the crook of my arm, settling comfortably against me. " I would sit on the roof of the Omega Chi house and stare out at your house and wish so hard that I was there instead of where I was. " Her voice was suddenly distant. " I hated the thought of having to go back inside and try to fall asleep next to him. " She looked up at me. " I'm not saying that Evan is a bad guy. He really isn't. I think he did love me. And I really, really tried to make myself love him. But when I went back inside, and laid down beside him, the only way I could finally get to sleep was to pretend he was you. "

" You pretended Evan was me ? " I asked in shock.

She nodded quietly. " And believe me it wasn't the only time I did it. "

" Really ? Tell me about the other times. " I urged. I needed to hear this. I needed to know that she missed me as much as I missed her.

" You really, really don't want to hear about that. " she insisted.

I turned towards her and kissed her gently. " Tell me, Please. "

" Well, " she looked away, obviously not comfortable looking at me while she talked. I shifted again and stared up at the ceiling, letting her voice pour over me. " Right after the thing with Rebbecca, I couldn't have sex with him. I don't know why really. I just couldn't. I didn't want him touching me. " The blood in my veins turned to ice and I know if she had been looking at me, she would have seen me pale. " Well, Frannie kept pushing me. Telling me that the only way we were going to get through it was to resume our more intimate relationship. I hated the thought. It was like I felt dirty for letting him touch me after he touched her. " I jerked. It was an involuntary response to her words. I felt every muscle in my body tense as she continued talking. I guess she was so lost in her own words she missed it. " So the night we finally did have sex again, I just closed my eyes and pretended it was you instead. It was the only way I got through it. "

I was off the bed before she finished the sentence. I knew what she was about to say and my mind didn't want to hear it. I tried to block out her words but they resounded in my head. _I felt dirty for letting him touch me after he touched her._

Oh, God. I gulped in air. I was panting and I couldn't breath.

Casey had sat up and was looking at me like she thought I was about to die. "Are you okay ? "

" I had sex with Rebbecca. " I blurted it out before my body could object.


	11. Chapter 11

There it was. Finally I had done it. I told her. And the look on her face let me know that she had heard the right words this time. My stomach dropped and I felt like I was going to vomit as I watched her closely, trying to judge her reaction. But it didn't really take any close scrutiny. Her thoughts were echoing so loudly I was surprised the entire house couldn't hear them.

She was completely silent for so long I wasn't sure what I should do. So I stood there looking at her with a horrified expression, waiting for her to make a move.

The move was to grab a handful of blankets and yank them over herself, attempting to cover her body from me. That probably wasn't a good sign.

" When ? " she eventually said, so quietly, so calmly it made my head spin.

" The last night we were on campus. " I swallowed hard and shoved my shaking hands in my pockets.

Her eyes flashed, shooting daggers at me. " And you waited until now to tell me about this because.."

I turned away from her. How was I going to explain this to her so she could understand ? My feeble, useless excuses were churning around in my head, banging together so hard they ceased to make any kind of sense.

" I should have told you. I know I should have. " I began, coming to stand beside the bed. " I wanted to so many times. I just couldn't. "

" So, " Her smile was so full of poison it twisted her face into something almost unrecognizable. " It's official. You have now had sex with every girl on campus. "

I flinched like she had kicked me. I think I would have preferred that to the look on her face.

" Casey, " I dropped down to the bed beside her. " Please, You have to understand. I know this sounds so worthless and stupid, but I was drunk. I don't even remember it. I just remember waking up with her next- "

She cut me off with a hand in front of her. " I really, really don't want to hear what you remember. "

" But, you have to believe me. I swear to you, I had no idea. I would never purposely hurt you like that. Never. " I was pleading now. My voice sounded so foreign I couldn't believe it was really mine.

She looked away thoughtfully and let the blankets slip from her arms. Her breasts heaved as she drew in quick, shallow breaths. " You know, I can't even be mad that you had sex with her. I have no right to be mad about that. It's that you didn't tell me yesterday. Or this afternoon when we were discussing her and Evan. When you admitted she came on to you. "

" I tried. I tried to tell you then, but your mother came in and I went to help her with the groceries. I just didn't get a chance. " I tried to explain, to make her see that I had tried to do the right thing.

Then, as I sat there looking at her, I could see her slipping away from me. I could see her falling through my fingertips like sand. I was losing her. I had only had two days, and now she was gone again. For good this time. This time it wasn't her friends pushing at her. It was me. I had screwed up beyond repair and I had no idea what to say to fix it. I wasn't sure I even deserved the chance to try.

I bowed my head, burying it in my hands to hide the tears that were beyond threatening anymore. No one had seen me cry in years, not even my parents. It just wasn't me. No one was privy to this side of me. But I was completely helpless to stop them. " I'm so sorry. " I sobbed, though it was muffled by my hands. " I can't believe I finally got you back and I screwed it all up already. "

She didn't say anything. I had no idea what she was thinking. I certainly couldn't look at her, but I could feel her eyes on me. " Could you just go, please ? " Her voice was so cold and distant, I knew she was fighting back tears as well.

I tried to mask my sniffle with a cough and I batted at my eyes with the back of my hand. Then I stood and walked out of her room.

I started to go to my room. To shut the door behind me and throw myself onto the bed. But I couldn't. I needed someone. It was funny. I was always there for everyone else. I was the shoulder to cry on. The guy that cheered everyone one else up. I was the bold, fearless leader that never showed sign of weakness. Now I felt weak. I felt weak and hopeless and I knew there was no way I was going to be able to pretend that losing her this time was no big deal. I wouldn't be able to blow this off.

I went down the hall and knocked softly on Rusty's door. As soon as he opened it, he took one look at me and pulled me inside.

The look on his face said I looked as bad as I felt. " You told her about Rebbecca. " He said quietly sitting down on the bed beside me.

I nodded. " I didn't have a choice. I had too. " I took a deep breath. " She told me to go, so I'm going to in the morning. "

" She kicked you out. How could she do that ? You weren't even with her when you slept with Rebbecca. She can't blame you for that. " " He protested, his voice growing louder with every word.

" She said she isn't mad about that. She's mad because I didn't' tell her sooner. " I explained.

He looked like he swallowed something that tasted very bad. " Well, you probably should have. "

" I would really appreciate it if you could just be on my side right now. " I snapped, dragging my hands through my hair.

" You want me to lie to you ? " he asked, unsure of how he could help.

" You know, I sit and I listen to everyone in that damn house moaning and groaning about this girl or that girl. I pat their backs and I tell them it'll be okay. I get them drunk and take their minds off things for a while. I sit beside them while they're puking their guts up. " I was in a full rant now and there was no stopping it. " I take care of everyone. I make sure everyone is okay. When you need something, who do you go to ? "

He didn't answer immediately not sure whether it was rhetorical or not. " You, Cap. We all go to you whenever we need anything. " He almost whispered.

" Exactly. Everyone ends up on my doorstep eventually. But right now, I need some support. I need something. I never ask for anything. Do you think you could just be supportive right now, instead of pointing out what an obvious, undeserving asshole I am ? " I was practically yelling and I instantly felt bad as I saw the look on his face.

I hadn't meant to take anything out on him. That isn't why I came to him.

" I'm sorry, Russ. I didn't mean to yell at you. "

He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. " If yelling at me is what you need to do, yell away. I can take it. "

I looked over at him and saw that he was wearing a small smile, one full of concern and I, was almost positive, pity. This is why I never break down in front of other people. That look. I hated that look. I got it a lot growing up, from my grandparents when they took me in because my parents were leaving. I got it from my neighbors all time. From the other kids in the neighborhood. I didn't have the most normal childhood. We were vegetarians, we grew our own food. My mother made most of our clothes. People avoided my parents for the most part. They weren't just hippies, they were extreme hippies. And no matter what I said, I just couldn't convinced everyone that I was happy with my life. That I didn't need their pity. Still, I got that look constantly.

" I should go. I shouldn't have bothered you. " I said, standing.

" No, you should stay. " Rusty insisted. " I want to help. And you can't leave tomorrow. "

I sighed. " I have to. I can't stay here. Casey hates me. "

" She doesn't hate you. She's just angry. She'll get over it. "

There was a quiet knock on his door and I sat on the bed while he answered it.

" Is Cappie with you ? I need to talk to him. " Casey voice flowed into the room and I stood and came to the door.

" Can we talk ? " she asked, her tone was terse and angry.

I nodded solemnly and followed her down the hall and into my room, ready to let her yell at me, to scream and cuss and punch me if she felt like it.

" Okay, " she gave me a spiteful smile as she shut my door behind me. " You can't leave. It would upset the entire house, ruin Christmas. I don't want that. "

I shook my head. " I'm sorry, Casey, But I can't stay. I can't stand you looking at me like that. "

" Yes, you can. And you will. " She argued. " My parents don't deserve this. They've worked really hard to make this a nice holiday, especially my mother. If you like them as much as you say you do, then you'll stay. "

" I don't see how my staying here with you hating me is going to make them happy. " I pointed out.

She stepped around me and sat primly down on the bed, crossing her legs. Her back so straight it looked like it was about to break. She was wearing a robe that was the same color as the nightgown I knew she still wore underneath. Her huge, beautiful green eyes flashed daggers as she looked at me.

" You lied to me. " she answered after a moment of silence. " You have never lied to me before. And don't give me that, technically I didn't lie, I just didn't tell you the whole story. That's bullshit and you know it. Lying is lying. Let's not argue the point. "

I moved to the chair and flopped down. " I wasn't going to. You're absolutely right. I lied to you. You have every reason to hate me. "

Her eyes softened for a moment. It was just a flash and she pulled her armor of anger back in place so quickly I almost missed it. " My point is, you lied. If we continue with this, Christmas will be ruined for my entire family. So I'm asking you to lie again. "

My eyes flew to her face. " About what ? "

" I want you to stay here and pretend that everything that happened just now, didn't happen. " She explained. " At least as far as my family is concerned. "

I shook my head. " That is never going to work. Your father will catch on by the end of breakfast tomorrow. "

" Cappie, " she leaned forward. " I've spent the last year and a half of my life pretending everything was fine. Pretending I was happy and not miserable. I can do this, I promise you. "

Her words hit me like she had slapped me. I hated to think that she really had spent all that time trying to be something she wasn't. I hated to imagine how much pain she had gone through as she built her make believe world around herself.

" And you've done the same thing. You put on this show for everyone to see so no one would know you were miserable. So I know you can do this, too. We both pretend. We both lied to everyone. " Her voice cracked a little and she looked away from me. " And we are both really good at it. "

" Rusty knows. " I told her lamely, though I could feel the tears stinging my eyes again.

" Rusty knows we are talking. Tomorrow we'll tell him we worked it out and everything is fine again. "

" He isn't going to believe that. "

" He will because like I said, we are both really good liars. " She laughed mockingly. " Hell, when this is over maybe we should look into the drama department. "

The joke didn't seem as funny to me. I certainly wasn't laughing. " And when will this be over ? "

She looked like she thought it was the stupidest question I'd ever asked. " When we get back to school."

I thought about what she was suggesting. She was right. I didn't want to ruin this holiday for her family. It would be wrong. And I couldn't live with the thought that I had caused it. But pretending to be together. Holding her, touching her, kissing her when I knew she was shuddering inside every time she felt my hands on her. I wasn't sure I could live with that either.

" I'm leaving the day after Christmas. " I told her finally. " We can get through the holiday, but I'll make an excuse and be gone after that. You won't ever have to see me again. "

Again there was that flash. Her hand strayed to the leather cord around her neck and she nodded. " I'll need to keep this until we return to school though. "

" Keep it. I'll never want to give it to anyone else. " I said quietly. My eyes were stinging. She was blinking so rapidly I knew hers were too. " I'm sorry I messed everything up so badly. "

I felt bad for saying it because the moment the words left my lips, she was crying. She stood and retreated to the door. " Well you did. And you can't take that back now. "

I stood and reached out to her, stopping her before she could leave. She looked down at my hand on her arm, then back at my face. " Okay, there are rules. " she breathed. " Out there you can touch me all you want. I expect you to, in fact. In here, behind this door, keep your hands off me. "

I shuddered and quickly retracted my hand. He face was so cold and unforgiving, I shrank away from her.

" I'm going to change. Then I'll be back. " she turned towards the door.

" You're coming back ? " I asked, shocked.

" If Rusty is going to believe that we worked everything out. We should probably sleep in the same room, don't you think ? "

I nodded slowly. She was right, of course. " I'll sleep in the chair. "

She leveled with me a poisonous stare. " Yes, you will. "

Then she turned and left the room.

I fell into the chair and toed off my shoes. Then I pulled the shirt over my head and let it land in a heap on the floor. It was going to be a really long night. And I was certain there would be no sleeping.

Letting my eyes drift closed, I imagined where I would be in this moment if I hadn't confessed to her. I could see myself wrapped in her arms, surrounded by her as we lay together on her pink bed, in her pink room. She was looking up at me with such love and adoration in her eyes. Giving me that look she reserved only for me. I had taken that look away. I wiped it from her face forever. I knew she would never be able to look at me like that again.

I wanted to hit something. Anger bubbled up from the depths of my stomach and I wanted to lash out at something, anything. Mostly I wanted to hit me. I was angry at myself. I wished I could blame someone else. That would have been easy. Then I would have had a place to direct the rage that I felt. But the only person here that screwed up was me. There was no one else.

I heard the door open and close again, then the soft click of the lock. I didn't open my eyes, didn't look at her. I had had enough of seeing the hatred in her face for one night.

She turned out the light and I heard the rustle of the blankets as she slid into my bed. Then she sighed softly. " I want you to know that I appreciate you staying. You don't have to. I know that. So thank you."

I looked at her, opening my eyes to her find her looking back at me. " I'll do whatever you want me to. I just want to make this up to you. "

She shook her head. " I'm not sure that's even possible. "

Her words stung and I wiped at my eyes quickly. " I'm going to try. "

She sat up quickly. " How could you, Cappie ? How could you do this ? I mean, Rebbecca. "

" I know. " I whispered. " I really don't know how it happened. " I shifted, trying to find a comfortable position. I wanted explain to her that Rebbecca wasn't that bad really. She was just a mixed up girl with a lot of problems, trying to find her place. But I suspected it was the last thing Casey wanted to hear at the moment.

" Well try to explain it to me, because I honestly can't see how you can say you never stopped loving me, yet you had sex with a girl who hates me so much. " She stated, crossing her arms over her chest.

" Do you have any idea how it felt to see you take Evan's Lavaliere that night ? Especially after everything with the paper and all. Can you even imagine what that did to me ? " I began, wanting her to know how I was feeling.

" So you had sex with Rebbecca to get back at me ? "

I smiled. " I'm not Evan. I don't do shit like that. I wasn't trying to get revenge. "

" Then what ? Why ? "

" I needed someone. I needed to feel like someone wanted me. Rebbecca and I spent a little time together working on a project. I thought maybe she liked me. And I mean I thought she liked me, not the guy that's the President of a Fraternity, or the Life of the Party. I thought she liked me because she got to know me. "

She was staring at me. I couldn't read her face, couldn't tell what she was thinking. So I continued. "Do you know how long it's been since I let anyone get to know me ? "

She looked away and shook her head. " No, "

" About a year and a half. " I answered. " You say I'm a great liar. You don't know the half of it. I never let anyone in. I never let them see who I really am. "

" It really sounds like your blaming me for that. " she countered.

" Maybe I am. I'm starting to think that somewhere in my subconscious I decided it would be easier to hide, to pretend to be something I'm really not. "

" You have never pretended to be anything other than what you are. " she argued.

" Oh yes, I have. I've pretended to be happy. I've pretended that it doesn't kill me every time I see you and Evan together. I pretended that I wasn't miserable all the time because you left me. " I nodded. " I pretend all the time. "

Shae laid back down and pulled one of the pillows to her chest. " I know how hard that is. " she whispered quietly.

I laughed ironically. " Yeah, I know you do. "

" Why did you have to lie to me ? Why couldn't you just tell me the truth ? " She asked into the darkness.

I sighed and rubbed my hand over my eyes. " Because I was trying to hold on to you for as long as I could. "

" That's kinda ironic. " she whispered into the darkness. " You lost me because you were trying to hold on. "

I had already realized that bit of wisdom on my own. I really thought that the universe was finally leaving me be. I thought I was getting a break. Now I realized that that wasn't the case at all. The Universe was fucking with me all along. This time it just needed a little time to set the stage.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N : I just glanced at the live preview for this story and I realized to my shock that I have received 87 reviews for this fic. I can't even begin to explain how it felt when I saw this. I can only imagine this is what it feels like to win an award. I'm overwhelmed. I actually almost cried. I can't thank you all enough for every word that you send my way. I live for the little envelope in the corner of my screen telling me I have mail. You are why I do this. You are the reason all these fics keep going. I really try to take a minute to respond to each of you individually. If I missed someone, if someone doesn't know how much my little purple dragon and I appreciate all your support then I wanted to take a moment to let you know, that it really is appreciated. It's more than appreciated. It's the most wonderful thing in my life. Thank you once again. Though that seems such a small sentiment compared to how I really feel. And now on with the story. Sorry for the interruption. **

_Casey was leaning against me, her body so tightly pressed to mine I couldn't tell where she ended and I began. Her small, delicate hands belied a sudden strength as she tore at the t-shirt I wore. I heard the material rip. It was an obscene noise, like a scream in a moment of passion. I yanked the tattered rags from my shoulders and threw it to the floor behind me. _

_Then she was on me, her lips brushing across my skin, her teeth raking over my flesh. She rested at my Adam's Apple. This was familiar territory, she found the spot on our first night together. My hands dug into to her hips, drawing her tighter to me as she continued to suckle at my neck. I couldn't stand it any longer. She knew, she knew with erring certainty that it was the one thing I couldn't resist. Her tongue slid across my throat as I swallowed, digging in a little and making it slightly uncomfortable. _

_I threw my head back. God, I loved the feel of her mouth there. My whole body was humming with anticipation of what I knew was to come. _

_I tried, without much success due to my shaking hands, to undo the small pearl-like buttons of her sweater. I wanted to feel her pressed into me, flesh against flesh, her body melded with mine. Finally with a frustrated groan, she stared at me with pure unbridled need in her green eyes as she pulled the shirt over her head, flinging it to join mine somewhere behind us. _

_The softness of her pink comforter caressed my back, her hands caressed my chest. All my nerve endings were firing at once. I had no control over my hands and my mouth as they both fought to possess every inch of her. _

_She was kissing me, her tongue drawing across the roof of my mouth, her heated breath filling my mouth, mingling with my own air. She was breathing in the air I was exhaling and I was doing the same and it felt so erotic. Like I was taking a piece of her inside myself, sharing something more intimate than anything we had ever shared, the very air we breathed. _

_My musing was short lived as she continued to kiss me. My eyes were closed but suddenly it didn't feel like Casey anymore. It didn't taste like her. Even her body felt different under my wandering hands. _

_I leaned back, shoving my head into the pillow and gasped as a wave of dark hair fell over my chest, followed quickly by Rebbecca's mouth. _

I woke to a soft hand on my shoulder shaking me. Blinking the sleep out of my eyes, I looked up and nearly jumped out of my skin as I saw Casey leaning over me. Never before had I had those dreams of her when she was with me. It was completely unnerving and I quickly jerked to my side to hide the evidence of the dreams content from her.

" You were calling me. " she said, with a touch of embarrassment. " Actually you were moaning for me, but let's just say it was calling. "

" I've been told I do that a lot honestly. " I answered, as I shifted again to try and get my body under control.

" You can stop squirming. I'm not stupid. " she smiled, impatiently.

" I'm sorry. " I could feel my cheeks redden. I didn't' blush. I had never blushed in my life. I had no idea where that was coming from. " I didn't mean to wake you up. "

She raised her hand and I thought for a moment that she was going to brush a strand of hair from my eyes, but she lowered it quickly, pulling at her long red t-shirt to cover the move.

" Why can't I ever stay mad at you ? " the look on her face was sad, as if she hated herself for not being angry. " I should be yelling and screaming and throwing things at you. "

I nodded in agreement. " Probably. But thank you for not doing any of those things. "

She smiled at me and my heart jumped into my throat. I really thought I was never going to experience that again, her smiling at me. It was like she was giving me a precious gift and I felt totally undeserving of it.

" Why don't you come over to the bed ? I can't stand to see you all bunched up in this chair and, " she smiled slyly. " I can't imagine it's very comfortable in your current state. "

Her eyes drifted to the area she was referring to then came back to my face quickly.

" Are you sure you want me over there with you ? " I asked, through my body was still throbbing and she had just brought my attention back to it.

She sighed and shrugged her shoulders. " I'm not forgiving you. I'm just saying we are both adults and I think we can manage to occupy the same bed without getting in each others space. "

I raised up with a bit of difficulty and gave her an appreciative nod. " Thank you. I'll keep my hands to myself. I swear. You won't even know I'm there. "

" I know. " she told me as she got into bed and scooted to the far side.

I joined her and shifted until I was comfortable, thankful for the softness of the bed after the torture of the chair. I lay with my hands behind my head, staring at the ceiling as her soft sighs began to fill the room, telling me she was asleep. I closed my eyes and tried to join her, but every time I did, the imagine of Rebbecca from my dream came back to me. I was sure a shrink would have a field day with that particular dream.

Then I almost jolted as Casey sighed in her sleep and rolled closer to me, her head landing on my bare chest and her hand coming to rest around my waist. Her warm breath blew across my skin, raising goose bumps as it did. I froze, not sure what I should do. Did I wake her ? Did I try to move her away from me ? I knew she wouldn't be happy in the morning to wake up laying on me. Would she blame me for it ? Think I had somehow manipulated her into her current position ? Then I realized she couldn't possibly blame me. I was sure she would realize it to. It was how we always slept when we were together. Her head on my chest, resting at the bend of my arm. It was instinct, a place where her body just naturally fit to mine. I moved my arms slowly and lowered it over her waist, where it usually rested. She sighed again and I breathed in a deep relaxing breath, easing the tension from my body. I hadn't realized it, but I had tensed when she rolled towards me.

I let myself indulge in her softness, sure I wouldn't be able to sleep again, but more than happy to simply hold her for the rest of night. I couldn't be sure when or if I would ever get the chance again.

The soft light of dawn slowly drifted in through the blue, gauzy curtains that covered the windows. I was still awake, having not slept a moment since moving to the bed. Casey was still laying, nestled against me, her head on my chest, her arm around my waist and her leg draped carelessly over mine.

I felt her stir and I tensed as her breathing became more shallow. She was awake. I expected an outburst from her at finding herself in my arms. Instead what I received truly shocked me. Her arm tightened around me.

I wanted to look down at her, to see what she was thinking. But I laid still, like a coward, feigning sleep.

She shifted and I could tell she was looking at my face. I could feel her gaze on me. She reached up and brushed a strand of hair from my eyes. It was a gesture so full of tenderness and love, I was certain I had fallen asleep and was dreaming again.

Then she moved again, going to the foot of the bed and climbing over me as softly as possible, trying not to disturb me.

I opened my eyes lazily, wanting to see her before she left me.

She was standing beside the bed looking down at me sadly. She didn't say anything at first. I blinked at her, waiting for her to make the first move.

" I need to go to my own bed before my parents wake up. " she said. " I'll see you at breakfast. "

I nodded. Then reached out to take her hand and she let me, much to my relief. " Casey, I really am sorry. "

She returned my nod. " I know. "

Then she turned away from me and left, closing the door softly as she went.

I got up instead of even attempting to sleep, grabbed a quick shower and dressed in a long sleeve orange t-shirt and jeans. Then headed downstairs.

Mrs. Cartwright was already at the stove, bustling away with a couple of steaming pans in front of her.

She smiled as I entered and made myself a cup of wonderful smelling coffee. I stood against the counter drinking it quietly until she looked over at me.

" You look tired, Dear. Did you not sleep well ? " she asked.

" I couldn't fall asleep. " I told her.

" Is there something bothering you ? " She turned from the stove and regarded me carefully. " I bet you miss your parents. You should call them. "

I smiled and nodded at her kindness. " I think I will. "

She turned back to the stove once again.

" Can I help with anything ? " I stepped over to her and looked down into the pans. Eggs, bubbled in one, bacon fried in another.

" You can check on the muffins. " she answered.

I went to the oven and peaked into the window. A muffin tin filled with delicious smelling banana nut muffins baked inside.

" They look good. But they need a few more minutes. " I told her.

" So, you cook a lot ? "

I went to the cabinet and started pulling out dishes to set the table. " I do a little more than my share, but with a house full of guys, one of us knowing how to survive is a miracle. "

" Well, I'm very grateful to you. It makes me feel much better knowing Rusty isn't starving or living on pizza and fast food. "

I went to the dining room and sat out the plates and silverware. Then I returned and gathered several oranges around the juicer in the corner.

" I really wanted to have a chance to talk to you. " Mrs. Cartwright said as she spooned the eggs onto a plate.

" Okay. " I nodded, continuing to squeeze orange juice.

" I want to thank you for taking care of Rusty and Casey like you do. Rusty never stops talking about you. You have really helped him find his place at school. " she began.

I shrugged, trying to wave off the praise I didn't feel I really earned. " Russ is a great guy. We're happy to have him. "

Mr. Cartwright stepped into the room at that moment. " It's cold as a witch's tit in a brass bra out there." he commented drawing a look of disapproval from his wife.

I laughed.

" Relax, Marge. I'm sure the boy's heard worse. " He came and kissed her cheek.

" Believe me, I've heard worse. " I agreed.

He gave me a nudge and a smile. " I imagine Jeff and Tommy will be here after lunch. "

Mrs. Cartwright pulled the bacon from the pan and put it on a plate as well. " They're bringing the kids with them. Trying to give Gloria and Joe a break. "

" I guess that means you'll have to go for a rematch with Ethan. " Mr. Cartwright winked at me.

" He kicked my butt last time. I'm not sure I'm up for another round. " I laughed.

Ethan turned out to be quite the player. Even at five, he was able to keep up with me fairly well. Then at the last minute he pulled ahead and took the win in our game of _Need for Speed. _Okay I let him win, but he's five. I had to.

Rusty and Casey came down to breakfast in the next few minutes and we all gathered around the table. Casey came and kissed my cheek before getting a cup of coffee and joining everyone at the table. I noticed Rusty watching her carefully, but he didn't say anything until we were alone in the living room later.

" I guess you worked everything out. " he smiled and slapped my shoulder.

I nodded, but didn't say anything. I hated lying to Rusty. He was one of my best friends. I didn't like lying to anyone, but I especially hated it when it came to people I cared about.

" I went looking for you after you left, but I noticed Casey's door was opened, so I decided not to knock. " he commented.

" Yeah, she stayed in my room last night. "

He gave me a smile and a knowing wink. I almost told him the truth. Not telling the truth is what got me into the whole mess to begin with. I felt like I needed to let him know that everything wasn't fine between Casey and I but before I had the chance the front door was flung opened and I was attacked by a forty pound ball of energy.

It went straight for my leg, locking onto it and holding tightly.

" Mr. Cappie. Mr. Cappie, " Ethan gasped. " Can we play again ? "

I bent and scooped him up, resting him on my hip. " Maybe in just a little while, okay ? "

He nodded and gave me that famous toothless smile. " I went to see Santa last night and I told him I wanted a puppy for Christmas. "

" A puppy ? " I exclaimed, " What kind of puppy do you want ? "

" I want a big one. I want it so big I can ride around on its back. " he informed me joyfully.

" Big like Oscar, or bigger ? "

His eyes grew wide and he buckled excitedly in my arms. " Bigger. "

I glanced over his shoulder and caught Casey watching me as she leaned against the door jamb with her arms crossed over her chest. She wore a look on her face that I couldn't really read and I gave her smile.

I was introduced first to Tommy, a clean cut nice looking guy about my age with blond hair and sparkling blue eyes, then to Jeff, who was slightly older, with long dark hair and a goatee.

The guys, Mr. Cartwright, Rusty and I talked in the living room. Ethan was still plastered to my side, not letting me go for a moment.

He was tugging at one of the chains I usually wore. For some reason he was completely fascinated with my jewelry. I let him wear the black leather band that I wore around my wrist. It nearly slide off his tiny arm, but he was delighted by it. Then he reached up and grabbed at my shirt collar, pulling it to his face and looking inside my shirt.

" Where's the other one ? " he asked.

" Ethan, " Tommy chided. " Let him go. "

Casey had just entered the room and came to sit on the arm of the sofa beside me.

Ethan's eyes lite up as he looked at her. " Hey, there it is. You let Casey wear your other necklace, just like I get to wear the bracelet. "

" I didn't notice that before. " Mr. Cartwright commented offhandedly, but he cast me one of those knowing glances.

Rusty nearly knocked over his the drink he was holding as he looked at Casey's neck. " Is that your lavaliere ? " he demanded. " When did you give her your lavaliere ? "

" Actually, " Casey smiled as she turned to Rusty. " I took it myself. "

I shrugged and returned his smile, though really I felt like sinking into the sofa and letting it swallow me. The lie just continued to grow bigger and bigger.

Casey didn't seem a bit fazed by it, instead she leaned down and kissed me.

Ethan pulled me away from her and dragged my ear to his mouth. " You're gonna get cooties ! " he exclaimed in an excited whisper.

Casey raised her eyebrows at him. " Oh, is that right ? I have cooties, do I ? "

Then she launched herself at the squealing, giggling child, kissing his face repeatedly. He fought against her valiantly but it was all to no avail. She won the battle.

When she finally let him go, settling herself comfortably in my lap, he raised off the couch, sitting up beside me and rubbing his face furiously.

" You know, Little man, one day, you won't mind girl cooties so much. " I informed him knowingly.

He huffed and went to the kitchen to find his Aunt, with a room full of laughter following behind him.

We were just beginning to settle back down when Marge entered the room, holding his hand with one of hers, the other rested on her hip. " Casey Cartwright ! " she exclaimed. " Did you give this boy cooties ? "

She bowed her head and nodded.

" Well, I'm afraid there is only one cure for girl cooties. Rusty, you need to take him upstairs and play video games with him for a while. I think until lunch should do it. " She said in a scolding tone.

Rusty got up and took Ethan upstairs. " But I want to play with Mr. Cappie. "

I smiled at Casey. " I guess I should probably go and help cure the little guy. "

" In a minute, right now, " she shifted a little and buried her head on my shoulder. " I'm comfortable. "

" Women can be so selfish. " Tommy teased.

Casey stuck her tongue out at him.


	13. Chapter 13

I was panting, gasping for every precious breath of air as I saw the ground coming closer and closer to my face. The ball in my hand slipped and I tried to tighten my grip but I lost it and it tumbled out of my grasp. Then I was down, hitting the cold, snow covered earth with a whoosh as the breath completely left my lungs.

It was a bone chattering hit and I sat there shaking my head for a few moments trying to wave it off. Tommy was over me, holding his hand out to help me up. Taking it, I eased back to my feet.

" That was some hit. " he announced. " I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I tripped. "

I held my hand up to stop him. Football in the backyard was usually not so rough. It was an accident. I'd seen it coming and attempted to get out of the way, but I wasn't fast enough and both of us went down like a ton of bricks.

Dusting the snow from my jeans, I smiled at him and assured him I wasn't hurt.

Still the episode seemed to have put an end to our yard game, leaving Rusty and I with the win by seven.

" Hey, Case. " Tommy yelled towards the back door. I hadn't noticed she was watching us until then and I looked over and returned the smile she was throwing my way. " I think I just pummeled your boyfriend. "  
" Yeah, I saw that. " she agreed, walking to me and checking me over.

I waved her away. " I'm fine. Hell, Beaver has done much worse. "

Laura, Casey's new shadow came up to us and smiled sweetly.

Laura had attached herself to Casey and while she was around, she never left her side. It was kind of cute, like having a mini Casey shadowing her every move.

When Casey bent to brush more snow from my leg, Laura did the same, emulating her exactly.

I laughed and Casey shot me a warning look, with a twinkle in her eye that said she thought it was funny as well.

" I need a drink. " I announced heading into the house. I heard Jeff agree with me and his footsteps fell into sync with mine as I went to the kitchen.

Opening the refrigerator, I pulled out two bottles of water and handed one to the other man before opening my own and nearly draining it in one long gulp.

When I pulled the bottle away, Jeff was eying me with a look I wasn't sure of.

" You play really well. " he said, looking away when he saw that I noticed him looking at me. " Why don't you play at school ? "

I laughed. " Do you know how much work that is ? And the hours they expect you to be at practice. " I shook my head. " I value my social life way too much for that. "

He laughed as well and took a drink. " How long have you been seeing Casey ? "

" Since Freshman year. " I answered. I'd said it so many times in the last couple of days I was beginning to believe it myself.

Then I tensed as he suddenly stepped closer to me than I was completely comfortable with. " You seem very happy together. "

I nodded. " We are. "

I thought he was about to reach out and touch my chest and I took an involuntary step back from him, creating a more comfortable space.

" I don't bite. " He gave me a toothy smile that caused a shudder to run through me.

Was he really coming on to me ? I thought maybe I was misreading the entire thing. That couldn't possibly be what was happening. He knew Casey and I were together. He knew I was straight and he came here with his boyfriend. All that said that this was not happening like I thought it was.

But he raised a hand and rested it on my chest for a moment. I was too shocked to move. I looked down at his hand. He was still wearing that creepy smile.

" You have wonderful muscle tone. " He breathed.

That was it. I jumped and got as far away from him as I could. What a jackass ! I wasn't sure what I should do. Hitting him came to mind but I thought that might not go over so well with the other family members. So instead I left the kitchen, seeking out Rusty in the living room.

Once I hustled him upstairs I was just about to tell him the everything that had just happened when Casey came into the room.

" What's going on ? I saw you leave like there was a big conspiracy. Is there gossip ? " She looked like she was about to burst as her eyes back and forth between us.

" Jeff just came on to me in the kitchen. " I announced quickly.

Rusty laughed, but seeing my expression he stopped abruptly. " Are you serious ? You can't be serious."

Casey stared at me in disbelief. " Maybe he was just being friendly and you took it wrong. "

" You know, " I said, beginning to pace to try and release some of the tension from my body. " I thought the same thing at first. But believe me, I've had guys come on to me before. I didn't misunderstand. "

" What the hell do we do ? " Rusty asked, still looking dumbfounded.

" We have to tell Tommy. " Casey said, firmly. " He has to know about this. "

" Tell Tommy what ? " the man in question asked as he came into the room.

We all looked up and then away from him. Everyone in the room started moving nervously. Until he repeated the question. Casey was the one to step up finally.

She moved in front of him and put her hands on his shoulders. " Apparently, Jeff just hit on Cappie in the kitchen. "

Tommy paled for a moment before glancing at me, then back at Casey. " Surely, he just mis interrupted things. Jeff wouldn't do that. "

I came to him. " Believe me, we all just went over this. I didn't misunderstand anything. I"m sorry, Man. But he came on to me. "

" What did he say ? " he asked, looking a little shaken.

I hesitated. It was bad enough to know that your boyfriend was hitting on other men, I thought knowing exactly how was a bit morbid.

" Tell me. " he insisted.

I nodded. " He came up to me. I stepped back and he told he didn't bite. Then he put his hand on my chest and said I had great muscle tone. "

Tommy didn't move for a moment. Then he let out a loud, long breath and pulled his hands through his short blond hair. " Damn it. " He looked back at me. " I'm sorry. "

" Don't apologize to me. I'm the one that's sorry. Casey said you've been together for a while. " I told him, unable to believe that he was telling me he was sorry.

He sighed again. " Still, I hope he didn't freak you out or anything, having some strange guy coming on to you like that. "

I chuckled. " I'm not freaked. I've had stranger guys hit on me. " I assured. " I'm good. But you don't look so great. "

His eyes were kind of glazed over and his tanned skin tone paled.

" I need to talk to him. I'm really sorry, guys. I can' t believe he'd do something like this here. "

He turned and left before we could say anything else.

" Did anyone else get the impression this was not the first time something like this has happened ? " Rusty asked as he stared after him.

" Yeah, I kind of did. " I agreed.

Rusty flopped down on the foot of his bed. " How can people do that ? " he wondered out loud. " I mean, maybe I could see it happening once. " he paused. " Actually, I can't even see forgiving it once, come to think of it. But more than once. I just couldn't be with someone like that, wondering every minute if they were off trying to hook up with someone else. "

Casey wasn't saying anything and I looked at her curiously. She had a distant look on her face, like she was thinking about something, or rather remembering something. Then it occurred to me, was she thinking of me ? Did she think that because of the thing with Rebbecca I was likely to go around behind her back like that ? Was that how she saw me now ? As someone she couldn't trust ?

" Maybe you can't understand until you've been there. " she said quietly and left the room without another word.

Rusty looked at me questioningly. I shrugged and followed her out.

I had just stepped into the hall when I saw her door closing. I knocked and heard a muffled ' Not now" from the other side. I had never been one to take no for an answer, so I let myself in.

She was laying on the bed, her back turned to me. But I could see by the shaking of her shoulders that she was crying.

" Case, you okay ? "

" Just leave me alone. I'm fine. " she answered without turning around.

I went to the bed and sat beside her. " You know I'm not going to do that. Especially not if I'm to blame for this. "

She turned then and looked at me like I was an alien. " You ? " she asked. " Why would you be to blame for this ? "

I sat back. " I just thought that after last night and all, I thought maybe that was why you were crying."

She smiled at me despite the tears that still streamed down her checks. " Cappie, I have never stopped trusting you. You haven't given me a reason not to. " she told me.

Now I was really confused. Was she this upset over Tommy and Jeff ? But as she started talking again, my brain slowly caught up.

" Right after I found out about them, " she began. " I just could not stop picturing him off somewhere every time I wasn't with him, trying to get with everything in a skirt that crossed his path. Every time I passed two people making out, I did a double take, checking to see if it was him. "

Her tears were coming on stronger now and I pulled her into me, letting her rest her head against my chest.

" I was just so disgusted every time he touched me. I didn't want to look at him. My stomach turned when he told me he loved me. Then Fran insisted that I forgive him, she threatened to toss me out of the house, practically. I felt like I didn't have a choice. " I rubbed her back and let her continue to talk, not saying anything. " Taking him back was so awful. And then for weeks I couldn't sleep, I kept picturing him off on another conquest when I closed my eyes. " She shifted slightly and looked up at me. " Thank you. "

I was confused and told her as much.

" Thank you for not ever doing anything like that to me. I couldn't have taken it if you had betrayed me like that. Feeling like a fool with him was one thing, but with you, it would have killed me. "

I stared at her with my heart in my throat. I had no idea how to respond to that.

" You know, It wasn't even the cheating that really got me. It was feeling like I was the punchline in a joke because I believed him when he said he loved me. I trusted him when I told him I loved him too. Then he went behind my back like that. I don't think he would have told me if I hadn't seen them."

I pulled back from her. " You caught them ? You actually saw them together ? "

She nodded with a sniffle. " In his room. "

I was flabbergasted. Again, knowing that your boyfriend is cheating is one thing, but to see it. I couldn't even imagine how it would feel to actually see Casey with another man like that. I tightened my arms around her. I hadn't known how much Evan had really hurt her until then. I didn't know the extent of the damage he had caused.

I wanted to find him in that moment. I wished we were still at school so I could get to him. I'm not normally an angry person, but the rage I felt bubbling inside me right then was almost more than I could handle.

" I'm so sorry. Casey. "

" I just felt so humiliated. Everyone knew what had happened. And I couldn't do anything about it. I was helpless. That's when he figured out how much power he had. " she continued, not ready to stop talking yet.

I looked at her with a raised eyebrow. " What do you mean, how much power he had? "

She sighed and buried her head into my chest again. " Rebbecca wasn't the only freshman he was with. There were others. He doesn't know that I know about them, but I do. "

" Are you sure ? " I asked, holding her tighter. " Maybe you're wrong. "

She shook her head, wiping her eyes on my shirt in the process. " No, I'm not wrong. Ashleigh and Jenn both caught him at the Tri Pi house. He goes there slumming every Wednesday because he knows that I have a house meeting on Wednesday night. "

" How did Ashleigh and Jenn see him if you have a house meeting ? " I wanted to know. I was afraid of her answer actually. Afraid of the depth he had caused her to sink into.

" You'll think I'm awful. "

" You asked them to follow him, didn't you ? " I already knew the answer and it made my heart jolt once again. I couldn't imagine what she had been going through before making the decision to have her sisters spy on her boyfriend.

She nodded slightly and refused to look at me when I pulled back from her. I raised her eyes to mine with a finger under her chin.

" You aren't the awful one, Casey. He shouldn't have put you in a position where you felt like you had to do something like that. " I told her. " But how could you have taken his lavaieler after that ? "

She looked away, pulling her face from my hand. " I had to. I had to do what I had to do in order to get what I really wanted. "

" Oh, Case. That is the saddest thing I've ever heard. " I admitted with a sigh.

" I know. But it gets worse. I actually thought about marrying him. I resigned myself to the thought of having a husband that kept a harem of women around. I knew that was what it would be like if we did get married. I knew he would never be faithful to me. So I tried to make myself okay with that. "

" You should never have to deal with something like that. You deserve more than that. " I said, quietly. " You deserve to be treated like you are the only woman in the world. "

She looked at me with a soft expression in her eyes. " I deserve to be loved like you love me. "

It was a whisper in the almost dark room and I thought for a moment that I'd misheard her. Made myself believe I was hearing what I wanted to hearing instead of what she was actually saying. But the look in her eyes told me I wasn't wrong.

I shook my head. " No, Case, you deserve much, much more than me. "

" Do you know what Ashleigh told me before I left, when she found out that Evan and I broke up ? "

I nodded. " She said, I needed to let myself be loved my someone who thinks I'm his entire world. "

I smiled. " Smart girl, that Ashleigh. People don't really give her enough credit. "

She leaned up until her lips were just inches from mine. " She was wrong. " she whispered, her mouth almost brushing mine as she spoke. " I think I need to love someone like he is My entire world. "

I pulled away a second before she kissed me. " Are you certain you want this ? " I asked, not believing I was doing it.

Her eyes dropped to my lips then back to my eyes. She nodded and leaned in again. But once again, I moved away. " I don't want you to wake up tomorrow with a huge case of buyer's remorse. I know I messed up. Are you really ready to forget that ? "

She dropped her shoulders and sat back, returning to her own personal space. Although that was a weird concept between us. With most people Casey was one of those individuals that had a wide personal space. You could tell from the set of her shoulders and the look on her face that she was uncomfortable with people getting too close to her. Only very few of us were allowed to penetrate that barrier she erected for the other people in the world. I had always felt very privileged for the fact that with me she seemed to have no barrier. Even with her sisters, even with Ashleigh, who was allowed to get closer than most, she kept herself behind that wall. I felt very special knowing that with me,she didn't have any walls.

Or at least that was how we were once. After our break up, I had been forced to the other side of her barricade. Thrown into the area everyone else was held to. But I noticed, Evan hadn't ever really taken my place inside the wall. She kept him at the same distance she kept Ashleigh and Fran, just out of reach of the real her.

Another thought occurred to me and I couldn't help but smile. Maybe, just maybe she needed me as much as I needed her. Maybe she needed to feel the kind of connection we had. Perhaps she needed someone she trusted enough to let inside the fortress she'd made.

" You are kind of acting like you don't want me to forgive you. " she told me with her back to me. "Have you changed your mind, decided we shouldn't be together after all ? "

I took her shoulder and turned her to me, taking her in my arms and kissing her. She let out a surprised squeak before sinking into me, letting herself melt in my arms. One of the greatest things I'd ever experienced in my life was kissing Casey. I loved the way she completely crumbled against me, almost her entire weight dropping down on me as I held her in my arms. It had always been like that with her. I was pretty sure it wasn't just my kissing skills that caused it. I think it was because she knew that as long as I had her against me, as long as she was in my arms, she was free from everything else. That's how I always wanted her to feel when I held her, protected and free.

" Cap, " she breathed as she pulled away for much needed air.

I stopped just at the point of claiming her lips again as her hand nudged my shoulder gently.

" I have some things I want to say first. " She drew in a ragged breath as I reluctantly let her go. "some things you need to hear. "

I nodded and settled back into the pillows of the bed, letting them surround me in their softness. She came to me and rested herself at my side, her head once again on my chest. I couldn't see her face from this angle and I was a little suspicious that that may have been the plan. Casey was always better at the emotional outpourings when no one was looking at her. And something in her tone made me think that perhaps that was what was coming.

" I think you should know the real reason I left last time. " she started and I had to will my body not to tense. I had always believed that Fran was the reason she left me. Now she had me wondering. Had I done something or said something to cause her to leave ?

" Okay, " I answered finally swallowing hard.

" You need to understand how much you scared me, first of all. "

" I scared you ? " I was shocked. What had I done to cause her to fear me ?

" Just lay there and be quiet and let me talk. " she told me sternly as she raised her head.

I nodded, but didn't say another word. She put her head back down and continued. " It wasn't you that scared me really. It was me. I was so completely wrapped up in you, I couldn't think about anything else. You were all I thought about. I couldn't concentrate in class. I was even failing a few of them. I couldn't hang out with my friends. I even stopped calling home for a while. Everything I did revolved around you. "

This was the first I had ever heard of any of this and I was amazed. I thought, back then, that I was alone in my feelings for her. I even feared I was a little obsessed with her. So I understood exactly what she was saying and I wanted to tell her that I had felt the same, but I remembered at the last moment and remained silent.

" So when Fran came to me, she didn't come to me and tell me you were not the sort of man a ZBZ dates. She came to me and said that she thought we were dangerous. She thought we were self destructive, that we loved each other too much. And when I looked at it, really looked at it, I agreed. That's why I left. "

She fell silent and I wasn't sure if it was okay for me to talk again so I didn't. We were both quiet for a long while, staring off into space, lost in our own thoughts over the revelation she had just made.

It was Casey that broke the silence once again by nudging me in the stomach with her elbow. " Say something. " she demanded.

" I agree. I think maybe we were a little obsessed. I didn't know you felt like that, but I know I did and it scared me a little, too." I answered. " But I think we're older now and a little wiser. I think we can make this work this time. "

She raised up. " What happens when we fall right back into that pattern ? When we throw everything else out the window like that ? "

I shrugged. " Then we deal with it. "

" Cappie, I can't afford to let anything become more important to me than school right now. I have a year and a half left before graduate school. I need to make the most of the time I have left. " she explained.

I pulled her to me and held her close. " I know. And I want to make sure you make the most out of it, too. I don't want anything to come between you and your dreams. So if we see it's becoming a problem, we'll deal with it. "

She leaned up, resting her body over mine and looked into my eyes. " So no more crazy, mad obsessive love ? "

I nodded. " From now on, it's just total, deep, supportive love. "

She laughed. " I don't believe you. "

I joined her. " Okay, maybe there will always be a little crazy, obsessiveness on my part anyway, but I can manage to keep it in its proper place. "

She cocked an eyebrow at me. " And where is its proper place ? "

I yanked her even tighter into me and kissed her. " Here, of course. "

I melted once again and we spent the rest of the afternoon in our own crazy, mad, obsessive world.

**A/N : Next time another stunning revelation in the epic tale. Look for it coming later this week. **


	14. Chapter 14

She was wearing red. A deep blood red dress that hugged tightly to every curve of her perfectly shaped body with a low neck line that emphasized her cleavage. Her bare, tanned, flawless shoulders caught my eye and drew it to the pendant that hung in the middle of her chest. It glimmered so brightly, it seemed to twinkle like the lights on the tree beside her.

It was the night before Christmas Eve and the Cartwrights were hosting their annual party. Apparently it was quite the affair and everyone in the neighborhood turned out for the event. Several people milled about with glasses of eggnog and other lethal combinations of spirits. Everyone dressed in their holiday finery. Everyone doing their best to look their best. Not one of them was even in the same league with Casey.

I was utterly unable to keep my eyes from wandering to her every chance I got. She gave me a soft, knowing smile every time she caught me watching her, which was quite often. She seemed to be seeking me out as well. My heart gave a little leap at the thought of that. Just thinking that I might have the same effect on her that she had on me was awe-inspiring.

I dragged my gaze away from her and turned my attention back to the people that were standing around me in a sort of cock-eyed circle discussing football, last time I checked in. Tommy, Glen, and Uncle Joe had joined Rusty and I along with Mike and Ted, both neighbors. Mike lived next door, while Ted was directly across the street. I remembered Mike's house as being one of the largest on the block and his attitude said he was very proud of that fact. He was pompous and posturing and reminded me a lot of Evan's father. I instantly didn't like the man. From the looks Rusty and Tommy were shooting me and each other I could tell that they shared my opinion.

I emptied the glass in my hand just as Rusty did the same and we excused ourselves to seek out a refill.

" That guy has always bothered me. He was always yelling at Casey and I every time we walked on his grass. " Rusty told me as we entered the much quieter kitchen. I was glad to escape the droning sound of bad Christmas music playing in the living room.

I was just filling my glass from a pitcher of ready made eggnog when I felt hands snake around my waist and I leaned back instantly and bent towards a pair of warm, very familiar lips.

" I finally managed to get away from her. " She sighed against me.

She had been talking to Joanne, Mike's wife and from her tone they were a match made in Heaven.

" She will not stop nagging me. "

I turned in her arms after setting my glass aside and smiled down at her. " Nagging you about what ? "

" What I'm going to do after I graduate, when I'm going to get married, when I'm going to start having children. According to her, that is the only important thing a woman can accomplish. "

" You're barely twenty-two years old and she's already nagging you about having children ? " I asked, astounded that some women still held that kind of backwards attitude.

" Oh, yes. It is never too early to start thinking about such things. She is under the opinion that the earlier you start a family, the better your chances are of having grandchildren when you're still young enough to enjoy them. " She laughed.

" Tommy is really down about the whole thing with Jeff. " Rusty interjected. " I guess he sent him packing and now he's determined to enjoy his holiday without him. I was thinking he might need a little cheer up. "

I glanced at Rusty for a moment before giving in to the temptation to kiss the woman in my arms briefly. Then I looked back to him. " What did you have in mind ? "

" I thought I could give him the patented Kappa Tau treatment. " he said, " I am going to steal a bottle of whiskey and sneak up stairs. "

" You're ducking out of the party ? " Casey eyed him critically. " Mom and Dad are going to notice. "

" Yeah, " he shrugged. " But I'm guessing they'll understand after everything this afternoon. Do you guys want to join us ? "

The next thing I knew Rusty, Casey, Tommy and I were barricaded in Rusty's bedroom passing around a bottle of whiskey. We were all piled on the bed. Laughing and talking about school and life in general.

Suddenly Tommy looked at me and gave me a genuine smile. " I really appreciate you not freaking out about Jeff. He promised to behave while we were here. I still can't believe he did it. "

I nodded and tipped the bottle in my hand towards him. " It's no big deal, really. "

" Yes, it is. It's a very big deal. " His words were beginning to slur around the edges. " He does this kind of shit a lot. I've caught him more times than I can count. " He exhaled a long, troubled breath. " I lost an artist at the gallery because he wouldn't leave him alone. "

" He hit on the artists you showcase in your gallery ? " Casey asked, " That's terrible. "

He nodded. " I know. I should have kicked him out a long time ago. I just couldn't do it. "

Rusty sat up a little straighter and hesitated a moment before finally deciding to the ask the question he was dying to ask. " Why didn't you ? How could you live with something like that ? "

I felt Casey squeeze my hand and I squeezed back reassuringly. " You just do. " she announced. " You do what you have to do to get by. You don't understand because you've never been there. "

" I guess not. " Rusty agreed. " I wasn't trying to be insensitive. I just can't imagine being with someone I couldn't trust. "

Tommy glanced at him before taking a long pull from the bottle I had just handed him. " No, it's okay. But Casey's right. You do what you have to do. I can't stand the thought of being alone. I hate being lonely. It's like nothing else in my life works right when I'm not with someone. "

" So you stayed to keep from being alone ? " Russ asked, trying hard to understand.

Tommy nodded and passed the bottle to Casey. " Yeah, I guess I'd rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than be alone for the right ones. "

" I get not wanting to be alone. I hate being alone. " Casey mumbled before taking a drink.

" Being alone isn't so bad. There is a kind of freedom that goes along with it. " I interjected trying to make Tommy see that being single wasn't as terrible as he thought.

" Right, " Tommy smiled at me. " The last thing I want is advice about being single from the guy with exactly what I want so bad. It's like a priest telling you about sex. "

Rusty quirked an eyebrow at his inebriated cousin. " You want Casey ? " he asked, confused.

Tommy laughed out like that was the most hilarious thing he's ever heard. " No, man. I don't want Casey. She's my cousin and she female. " He inclined his head towards her, " Not that you aren't sublimely beautiful, my dear. You just aren't my cup of tea. " She smiled at him in understanding and he continued, " What I mean is, just step back and take a look at them, sitting there. They aren't even touching more than holding hands but anyone that just happened into this room, whether they knew them or not, would know that they were together. "

Rusty eyed us, then shrugged. " I don't get it. "

Tommy slapped his shoulder. " They just fit. It's so obvious. It's the body language. It's how comfortable they are together. These two, my friend, have found it. " He saluted both of us with the bottle. " Here's hoping you and I are as lucky someday. "

Rusty was still looking at us like we were a pair of rat's in one of his science experiments. Finally he turned to Tommy. " I can see what you're saying, I suppose. But it hasn't always been great for them. "

Tommy agreed with him quickly. " Oh, I can tell. They have been through a lot, but they came out of everything together and that's what matters. I can just see myself bouncing their fat, happy children on my knee in the years to come. "

I shifted, uncomfortable with everyone talking about us like we were the main attraction in a freak show. Not that I didn't like what he was saying. I just hated being talked about like I wasn't in the room and I could tell that Casey was feeling the same way.

But Rusty managed to break the whole conversation up by jumping from the bed and beginning to pace excitedly. " I can't stand all this talk about babies. First Casey in the kitchen, now you. It's enough already. "

All our eyes turned to him and looked at him questioningly.

" What's up there, Spitter ? " I asked lightly, hoping it would settle him from his agitated state. " You feeling alright ? "

" I'm fine " he snapped and I must admit I was a little taken aback. Rusty wasn't the type to anger easily and this episode seemed to have come on rather unexpectedly.

" Well, " Tommy announced, standing from the bed and stretching. " I think I'm going to head home. It's late and I have last minute shopping to do tomorrow. "

" And how is it you plan on doing that ? " Casey demanded to know. " You aren't leaving here behind the wheel of a car. "

He gave her an appreciative smile. " I suppose you're right. I guess I'm stuck until Mom and Dad decide to leave. "

" You can crash in my room. " I offered. Actually I had an ulterior motive. I wanted to clear the room pretty quickly. Rusty was still pacing nervously and running his hands through his hair. I figured I had a much better chance at getting him to tell me what the hell was going on if we were alone.

Tommy thanked me and left. I nudged Casey and inclined my head towards her brother. " Why don't you go down and tell everyone goodnight. "

She nodded quietly and stopped before leaving the room to give Rusty a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek.

He stared after her a bit dumbfounded as she left as well.

When it was finally just the two of us, I got up and lead him back over to the bed, sitting him down before taking a place beside him.

" So, what's up with all the pacing and baby hatred suddenly ? " I asked, again trying to calm him with humor.

" I don't hate babies. " he smiled awkwardly. " I just don't want to think about babies right now. "

I put my arm around his shoulder and nudged him. " And why is that ? Are you afraid Santa is going to bring you a little brother or sister and Mommy and Daddy won't have time for you anymore ? Cause I hate to tell you but your parents are a little old for the baby making business. "

I was laughing at my own joke when he suddenly jumped up again and spun on me.

" Jenn thinks she's pregnant. "

The words just hung there as my laughter died immediately.

" What ? " I managed after the silence stretched out for so long it was becoming awkward.

" She called this morning and told me. I have no idea what I'm going to do if she is. "

He slumped down beside me again and put his head in his hands.

I looked at him sitting there, in his completely wreaked state and I was instantly angry.

" Damn it, Russ. You know better than this. " The idea that he might have thrown away his entire future by being careless infuriated me and I was lashing out. I knew I wasn't being fair to him, but I was unable to stop myself.

He didn't bother to look up at me, instead he nodded into his hands and I heard him sniffle.

" We were careful. " He said in a voice muffled by his hands. " I swear, we were. I guess maybe the condom must have broken. "

It was my turn to jump up. " You guess maybe it must've broken ? " I demanded. " You don't know ? When something like that happens it's fairly obvious. "

" Okay, " he conceded. " Once the condom broke. "

I let out a ragged breath. " She isn't on the pill ? "

" Yeah, but you know it doesn't always work. " he raised his eyes to mine and I saw he was crying.

I sat back down beside him, pushed my anger aside and did the only thing I could think of for him. I handed him the bottle of whiskey and sat with him while he drank himself into oblivion.

It wasn't long before Rusty was passed out on his bed, curled around the mostly empty bottle. I took it from him and sat it on the nightstand before covering him up and leaving.

As I walked down the hall to Casey's room, my thoughts were still with him though. I thought the universe liked to fuck with me, but here he was, the poor little guy, fresh out of the gates in the sex department, faced with one of the most terrifying moments in a sexual active male's life.

I remembered Jenn spending the day with us and I wondered why she hadn't bothered to tell him then. I thought he deserved more than a phone call over something this serious. Then another thought occurred to me, I wondered how devious Jenn was. We really knew very little about who she really was. Was she playing him ? Using this as a way of getting him back by her side ?

I quickly abandoned that line of thinking. Jenn was a nice girl, so innocent and naive. No one is that good of an actress. No matter what I thought of what she did to Rusty and Casey, hell to all of us in the Greek system for that matter, I knew she cared about Rusty and she was probably just as terrified as he was. More so, actually. I couldn't begin to imagine what she must be going through.

When I reached the door, I opened it and went inside. Casey was already there, sitting at the vanity, brushing out her honey colored hair. I couldn't help but wondered what we would do if faced with the same situation Rusty and Jenn were. It was a sober thought and I crossed to her and kissed the top of her head.

" Is he okay ? " she asked, looking over her shoulder at me.

I went to the bed and flopped down without bothering to undress. " No. "

She put the brush down and came to rest beside me. " What's wrong ? "

" Well, Jenn called him this morning. " I immediately felt like I was betraying his trust, but I couldn't lie to her about something like this. She deserved to know what was happening with her younger brother. " She thinks she might be pregnant. "

Casey was completely still and silent for a long while. Her lack of response worried me and I looked down at her.

" Oh, my God. " she said finally looking up at me. " What is he going to do ? "

" He has no idea. He's totally lost and freaked out and I can't blame him. " I told her honestly. " They just got back together and that was just a work in progress. He isn't sure what to do. "

" You think that's why she showed up here the other day out of the blue like that ? "

I nodded. I was fairly certain that is exactly why she showed up when she did. I saw the wheels moving in Casey's mind and I didn't like the direction they were turning so I stopped her train of thought with a hand on her shoulder. " Don't even think about it. Jenn is a nice girl. If she is pregnant, it's Rusty and it was a mistake. She doesn't have it in her to manipulate someone like that. You know she doesn't. "

She nodded and sighed. " How could he have let something like this happen ? How could he not have been more careful ? He isn't stupid. He has to know that this could destroyed his entire future. "

" He says they were careful. He did everything right except maybe using the condom he had in his wallet since ten grade health class. "

She chuckled. " You'd think the concept that latex weakens over time wouldn't have been lost on a physic geek. "

" I'm thinking that after so much time with the thing in his wallet, his mind was probably too occupied with biology to think of physics or chemistry. " I commented, staring up at the ceiling.

She leaned up on her elbow and gave me one of her serious looks. " What would you do ? "

My body tensed immediately. I didn't know how to answer. Would I marry her ? Drop out of school and get some meaningless mundane job that I would hate for the rest of my life ? Of course I wanted to be with Casey. I wanted to be with her forever. But not like that. I could be honest with myself and admit that it wouldn't be long before I ended up resenting her and the baby for taking my future from me. I knew her well enough to know that she would get to that point way before I did.

" Maybe we should explore abstinence. " I smiled at her weakly.

She batted my shoulder. " I'm serious. How would you handle something like this ? "

" It would really depend on how you would handle it. " I said after a minute.

" You mean whether I decided to keep the baby or not ? "

" Well, yeah. "

" I couldn't have an abortion. I don't care what everyone else does, but I couldn't do it. " she said firmly. " And I don't think I could give my own baby away. I think adoption is wonderful and I applaud those girls that are strong enough to be able to do it for the good of their children, but I'm not that strong. " She paused for a moment then added. " So I guess I would keep it. "

"Well then, I guess we would find a way to make it work. " I agreed.

" You'd be okay with me keeping the baby ? "

" Of course I would be okay with it. " he answered, not feeling nearly as okay with it as I sounded. But I knew that was what she needed to hear. I felt a little guilty for not being totally honest. " Well, I would accept that it was what you had to do. "

" So you wouldn't be okay but you'd deal with it ? " she asked, laying her head back down on my chest. " I don't think I like that answer. "

" I'm just trying to be honest. Did you want me to lie ? "

She wasn't angry or hostile. She was just being honest as well. I thought about how much we had grown over the years. In the beginning, I could see how this discussion would have sparked an argument for the record books, but now, after everything we had been through both together and on our own, here we were talking about something instead of yelling about it. I was proud of us. Maybe we were growing up after all.

" No, of course not. I just hate the thought of pushing you into doing something you didn't want to do. I wouldn't want you to feel trapped. " she admitted.

" It isn't about feeling trapped. " I explained. " I would gladly be trapped with you for the rest of my life. That isn't what I'm saying. It's that we both have plans and a future to think about. Neither of us would be too willing to throw all that away because of a mistake. "

" You would rather I gave the baby away ? " her voice was quiet.

" I would rather we keep doing everything we're doing to see that we don't ever have to make that choice. And someday when we're both ready, I'd more than happy to have children with you. " I told her.

She sighed. " I guess that's all we can really do. Unless you were serious about that abstinence thing. "

I pulled her to me and kissed her. " I seriously doubt that is a realistic option, especially if you're going to insist on walking around wearing things like that little red number earlier. " Then I looked down at her current attire. " Or this little blue t-shirt. "

" So if I promised to only wear old jeans and baggy shirts, it might work ? " She smiled.

" Nope, I've seen you in old jeans and baggy shirts, that's one of my favorite looks. "

" So what could I wear ? " she laughed.

My expression turned serious for a moment as she looked up at me playfully. " You know, I can't say that I've ever seen you in anything that didn't make me want to take you out of it. "

She kissed me. "Now, that is an answer I like. "


	15. Chapter 15

Not surprisingly none of us got very much sleep. Casey and I were awake most of the night, not really talking but just laying in each others arms, enjoying being together. I still felt, somewhere deep down that I was living on borrowed time. Like any moment she would be lost to me again.

I must have dozed off at some point, when I woke, Casey was sitting on the bench under her window, staring at the outside world with a faraway look on her face.

I laid there for a while, watching her, wondering what she was thinking. I could see the thoughts passing over her face. I couldn't tell what they were, but I could see they were important. It was evident in the little furrow between her brows. She only got that look when her thoughts were complicated and deep.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I shucked off the blanket that covered me and went to her, wrapping my arms around her protectively.

" I can't stop thinking about Rusty. " she offered before I had a chance to ask. " I hate that this is happening to him. "

" We don't know anything for sure yet. There's still a chance that everything will be fine. " I told her in what I hoped was a reassuring tone.

She covered my hand that rested on her shoulder, with hers and squeezed it. She took a deep breath and shook her head as if she were physically shaking off all the worrying thoughts from her mind.

" So what did you get me for Christmas ? " she smiled.

I stepped back and covered my heart with my hand. " Was I supposed to get you something ? I didn't know we were doing that. "

She put her hands on her hips and gave me an exasperated look. " You better have gotten me something and it had better be good. "

" And what if I didn't ? " I continued to tease her.

She considered that for a moment. " Then I'll make you sleep in your own room for the rest of the time you're here. "

I chuckled. " And what about when we get back to campus ? You still going to make me sleep alone then ? "

" I just might. "

" Then I guess I better hit the mall tomorrow. " I shrugged. " I hate to sleep alone. "

" The mall on Christmas Eve ? Good luck with that. "

" Yeah, I know. I can't believe I put it off until now, but I did. I guess I've been busy in the last week or so. "

We went back to the bed and settled in comfortably.

" Did you call your parents today ? You mentioned that you were going to try. " she asked.

" I tried. They didn't answer. Probably too far off the beaten path for cell phones. "

" Does it bother you that they aren't around much ? "

I nodded against the pillow. " Not really. I guess it would be nice to have a family like yours everyone gathering together for the holidays and all that, but like I said before, I'm really proud of my folks. They are definitely strong people. They speak up about the things they believe in. You have no idea how many times I had to stay with my grandparents because they got arrested at some protest or another. "

" That sounds awful to me. " she shivered. " Having your parents in jail and getting shipped off to stay with whoever would take you. "

" It was a little awful. Did I ever tell you that the first five years of my life I lived in a tent. Then social services found out and threatened to take me away if they didn't get a real place for us to live. " I told her.

" No, you never told me that. That's horrible. " she said quietly.

" No it really wasn't it. I didn't see anything wrong with it. It wasn't until someone showed up and told me it was wrong that I even thought about it. And even then, I still didn't see the problem. I had two parents that loved me. We spent all our time together. We had everything we needed. "

" But still, it must have been hard on you. " she commented.

" It wasn't that hard. It's not like we were living in poverty or anything like that. My parents have money. We aren't poor. They're just idealists. They have principals and things they believe in, they wanted me to have those same principals. " I tried to explain to her.

" And do you ? Do you believe in the same things your parents believe in ? "

I chuckled. "I think my folks are a little disappointed in me. I have grown very used to air conditioning and a refrigerator to keep the beer cold. A stream just doesn't get it as frosty. "

" I'm sure they aren't disappointed in you. " she smiled up at me. " You turned out pretty okay. "

" I like to think so. Everyone was so convinced they were going to screw me up, ruin me as a productive member of society. " I sighed. " I think they did a great job, better than some parents I've seen. "

" So you aren't going to try and talk me into living in the woods with nothing but a thin piece of nylon between me and nature ? "

I laughed. " Of course not. My parents are extreme. I think I could settle for a nice house somewhere."

" I can deal with that. " she nodded. " And maybe we can go camping on vacations. "

" I love you. " I said with a laugh as I kissed the top of her head.

" I love you, too. " she answered, leaning up and kissing me. She pulled back and looked at me quizzically. " What do you want to be when you grow up ? "

I laughed again. " I still have no idea. " I answered honestly. " How about you, have you thought about what you're going to do after you graduate ? "

" Well, I'm not sure. I honestly thought for a while about going into law. I mean, I'd have to take on a heavy class load until I graduate and probably still be there an extra year, but it was an idea that occurred to me. " She mused.

" Law, really ? " I asked, surprised. I had never seen Casey as the lawyer type.

" My other thought was maybe since I'm a political science major already, I could do something in politics. Like a campaign manager or maybe a speech writer. "

I laughed out. " Boy, you are really not going to endear yourself to my parents any time soon. "

She sat up quickly. " You think they won't like me if I go into law or politics ? " she looked stricken.

" Casey, I don't care if my parents like you or not. I Love you. That's all that matters to me. Besides, they already like you. Mom asks about you every time we talk and she knows we broke up. She just really likes you. They might not like what you do, but they already like who you are. " I assured her.

She settled back against me. " Still I'd hate for them to have reason to not like me. "

I leaned up and looked down at her. " You know I think maybe that is one of your biggest problems. You are way too concerned with whether everyone else is going to like you. The only person you need to worry about liking you is you. " I paused for a moment. " Well and me, but I love you no matter what. You can't base your career on whether or not my parents would approve of you. That's crazy. "

" I guess your right, " she answered as her fingers played against my chest. " It is kinda crazy. I just hate for anyone not to like me. "

" Get over it. You are always going to run into people that don't like you. You know the old saying, you can please some of the people all the time, but you can't please everyone all of the time. It just doesn't work like that. "

" I know. " she answered solemnly. Then she ran her finger down the center of my chest and looked up at me with a smile. " But I bet I can please you all the time. "

That was a fact I was certain of, but I was happy to let her prove it to me.

It was still snowing the next day. I couldn't believe how much snow had fallen on Chicago in the last week. From softly drifting flakes, to full on flurries, it hadn't really stopped since I arrived.

I was at home last Christmas, so I had never actually experienced a white Christmas before, not that it was really that big of a deal, but I couldn't help but think it made it seem that much more magical. I know it was stupid and juvenile, silly even. But I was in a silly mood It was evident from the goofy grin I couldn't keep off of my face.

Things with Casey had never been better. I had never before felt closer to her than I had in the last week, and aside from that little voice nagging in my brain telling me that it couldn't possibly last, I was happier than I had ever been in my life.

I felt a bit guilty for that really. I looked over at the passenger seat and saw Rusty's miserable face staring out the front windshield. I wanted to say something to make him feel better, but nothing came to mind. What could you say to someone in his situation ? What could possibly make him feel better ? I kept reassuring him, telling him I was sure that everything would be fine, that Jenn probably wasn't pregnant after all. I mean she was on the pill. And he pretended that my words helped for a moment, then it was right back to the worried, furrowed brow again. I hated that he was going through this while I sat there wanting to hum Christmas carols. So I hid my joyfulness as best I could, not wanting to depress him further.

He told me he was determined to marry Jenn if she was pregnant and they would both get jobs while still trying to get through school. I didn't see how it was going to work, especially given his class load, but I promised him that I would help as much as I could. Casey offered the same. Maybe between the two of us, we could help them at least until the baby was born. Then we already offered to pitch in with babysitting and class tutoring, anything they needed.

Rusty had hugged us both and pulled me aside to tell me he already felt like I was the big brother he never had. I was touched. I thought of him as my little brother, too. It was a Hallmark moment that I was sure I'd always remember.

I pulled into the only parking spot I could find at the overly crowded mall on the day before Christmas and we walked for a mile to get to the building. We were silent as we approached the building. Rusty no doubt lost in his thoughts of impending fatherhood and me lost in my thoughts about what I was going to get Casey for Christmas. Yes, I'm serious. I still hadn't gotten her anything and I still had no idea what I was going to get either.

My first instinct was jewelry. But then everyone got their significant others jewelry. I had gotten presents for everyone else on my list, a new apron for Mrs. Cartwright ( I noticed hers was a little tattered looking ) a new pipe for Mr. Cartwright, a bottle of twenty year old scotch for Joe. With all the new additions to my list, I had almost maxed out my credit card. But I still had enough left for something amazing for Casey. I just hadn't decided what the amazing thing would be.

She was one of the hardest people to buy for I'd ever met. Well, that wasn't really true. I knew she'd be happy with whatever I got her, but I wanted it to be special. I wanted it to say all the things I wanted to say to her, something to show her how much I loved her.

That was ridiculous, I know. No gift in the world could tell her that.

Then suddenly an idea occurred to me. It would take a lot of running all over the place, but I thought I could pull it off. I agreed to meet Rusty in the front of the mall in two hours and took off to gather my gift.

Back in the car, Rusty still wasn't speaking much. He had shown me a nice pair of earrings he got for Casey and a pendant for Jenn, but after that he was quiet again. I didn't mind that much, it gave me a chance to think about everything that had happened in the last week.

I couldn't believe the way everything had turned out. I was awestruck at the idea of Casey sitting at home wishing I would hurry and get home so we could pile into her bed and watch _it's a Wonderful life_ and _miracle of 34__th__ street_. She had made the plans the night before and as I injected my suggestion of _Bad Santa_ to the movie watching list, she shot it down quickly. But I was okay with that. This was her night and I was willing to do whatever she wanted. Actually, I wouldn't admit it to any of my friends, but both of her suggestions were favorites of mine, so it suited me just fine.

I pulled into the drive and Rusty turned to me before getting out. " I'm really glad everything is working out with you and Casey. I was hoping it would when I invited you here. " he told me.

" But you thought she was going to be in Aspen, I thought. " I said, questioningly.

" Oh, I know. I did think she was going with Evan, but a little part of me really hoped that she would be here and you could work everything out away from school and everyone there. " he answered.

" Well, I can't tell you what it means to me that everything happened like it did. " I said, quietly. I always hated getting into mushy conversations particularly with other guys.

" You both seem happier than I've ever seen you. And since you are two of the most important people in my life, that makes me happy. " He smiled, the first smile I'd seen from him in the last two days.

" Russ, everything really is going to be fine with Jenn. We are going to figure everything out and make it all work. " I promised him once again. " You know I'll be there with you every step of the way. "

He nodded. " I know and I appreciate it. I don't know what I'd do without you and Casey. "

I patted his shoulder. " You won't ever have to find out, Man. Neither of us are going anywhere. "

" Have you and Casey talked about what's going to happen when we get back to school ? " he asked, a little out of the blue.

" What do you mean ? "

" I mean when her sisters start pushing at her again and Evan's there and Rebbecca. Are you still going to be okay with everything at school ? I'd hate to see everything fall apart when we get back. " he explained.

I thought about that before answering. It was a nagging concern that was always with me. But I took a deep breath and gave him a serious look. " I let Casey walk away from me last time. I let all the other people that influenced her have their way. " I told him. " I don't intend to make the same mistake again. I'll take on the entire Greek system before I let her go this time. "

" Let's hope it doesn't come to that. " he smiled.

" I hope not either, but you know those people. " I shrugged.

As soon as we opened the door I was pounced on. I laughed at the fact that she thought she was really fooling me. She had her arms around me, true enough, but her eyes were wandering to the bags in my hands and I pulled away from her quickly, jerking the bags from her view.

" You are terrible. " I scolded her as she pouted at me. " I can't believe you're acting like such a child. "

She stuck her tongue out at me and trotted up stairs without another word. At the top, she looked over her shoulder to make sure I was following her, which, of course, I was. Then she stomped her foot and went to her room, sticking out her tongue again, before disappearing inside.

I howled with laughter as I watched her. Then quickly deposited the bags in Rusty's closet, because we were both certain she would go snooping in my room later that night.

" You are an incorrigible little brat. " I announced as I entered her room, but the second the words were out of my mouth, I was silent again.

Darkness had already fallen outside, leaving the room lite by nothing more than the soft moonlight from the windows and a television screen set in the corner at the foot of the bed.

Casey was laying across the bed, a brilliant contrast to all the pink, in a scarlet red, Santa Claus type nightie. Her hair was pulled over her shoulder and she rested on one elbow, looking at me with a seductive grin that I was helpless to resist.

" I thought we were watching movies. " I told her as I moved slowly over to the bed.

" Who said we weren't ? " she asked innocently.

I raised my eyebrows at her. " You are going to make me lay here watching old black and white movies while you're laying there looking like that in full Technicolor ? "

She looked down at the nightgown and grinned, before slowly starting to move the straps off her shoulders. " I can always take it off, if you don't like it. But I know red is your favorite color and when I saw it in the store, I couldn't help but think of you. "

I kicked my shoes off into the corner and drew my shirt over my head before joining her on the bed and kissing her soundly.

Then she suddenly pulled away from me and settled on the other side of the bed, before starting the DVD.

" Hey, " I protested trying to pull her to me again. But she kept just out of grasp and smiled at me.

" I thought we were watching movies. " she said mischievously.

That was the way it went throughout both of the movies she had selected. She was a merciless tease, laying against me, running her hands over me, chewing on my earlobe. But the moment I touched her in return she retreated away from me quickly.

Then she really surprised me when she brought two additional DVD's she had stashed as a surprise.

_Bad Santa_ and _Scrooged. _We watched both after she retrieved two pieces of the pie her mother had made especially for us while I was at the mall.

It was a wonderful night and after the last credit played on the last movie, she finally let herself fall into me and made up for all the teasing she had made me endure over the last several hours. It was well past midnight when we made it to sleep, falling exhaustedly into a crumpled heap in the middle of the bed.


	16. Chapter 16

Casey Cartwright was a full grown child. All the years I'd known her, I had no idea. But here it was, staring me in the face. Quite literally, in fact, at six-thirty in the morning I was woken by her jumping on the bed, animatedly telling me it was Christmas and I had to wake up.

I groaned and rolled over since I'd only been asleep about two hours and buried my head under my pillow. It was abruptly pulled away from me and thrown across the room where it landed with a thump.

" I want my present. " she demanded, jumping up and down on the bed again.

Finally I sighed in defeat and sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. " Alright, I'm up. "

A knocking at the door drew our attention. Casey and I looked at each other quickly.

She grabbed her shirt from the floor and put it on while I wrangled my pants from under the bed. She looked me over and tried for a moment to straighten the comforter on the bed before calling to whoever was at the door that she'd just be a minute.

Rusty's voice made us both relax instantly as he called that it was just him through the door.

She opened the door and he barged through it coming to jump around me on the bed as well.

" Oh, my God, you're both children. " I declared as they squealed and bounced around me.

" We have to go wake up Mom and Dad. " Rusty said, ignoring me.

" You are really going to go and wake those nice people up at six-thirty in the morning ? " I asked, stunned by their immaturity.

They looked at each other with a huge smile and nodded before tearing out the door and disappearing. I heard something that sounded like elephants trouping down the stairs and smiled after them.

This was definitely not something I was expecting. We were all well beyond the age of tearing through the house to see what Santa had brought us. It was a side of both of them that I had never seen before and it would have been hilarious if I wasn't so sleep deprived.

I stood and stretched, before making my way down to the living room.

I barely made it to the bottom stair when I heard Christmas music playing and the sound of several voices talking at once. The house was up and bustling. I couldn't believe it. Not even seven in the morning. Mr and Mrs Cartwright didn't appear the least bit phased by having their grown children wake them up so early. I could already smell coffee brewing in the kitchen.

I shook my head as I entered the living room and stopped as soon as my eyes scanned the room. The entire room had been magically transformed. Santa had indeed visited in the night. Presents were abounding pouring out into the floor around the tree. Muffins and donuts sat on plates on the tables. Christmas music poured from the stereo in the entertainment center. A fire was already roaring in the fireplace. It was the perfect picture of Christmas morning.

Casey grabbed me dragging me over to the love seat. Then she disappeared into kitchen, returning only a moment later with a steaming cup of coffee. I took a careful sip and smiled at how perfectly made it was, just the right amount of sugar. I looked up at her sitting on the arm of the love seat beside me and smiled.

" You really are expecting something good. " I teased her.

She settled in beside me and kissed my check. " No, I just love you. "

" Okay, I love you, too. " I said, kissing her back.

" Alright, enough of that. " Rusty announced. " Can we hand out the presents now ? "

Twenty minutes later we were surrounded by boxes and torn paper. I had a new watch from Rusty, a gift certificate for Starbucks from Mr. Cartwright and Mrs. Cartwright had sat down and made up a recipe box, complete with all of her favorites.

I looked over at Casey and smiled as I saw the box she was holding. It was mine. And she was just now ripping into it with relish.

First, she pulled out a medium sized box which she tore the paper from quickly and snatched opened. Inside were twelve scented candles with matching bubble bath. Casey loved taking baths. It was one of her favorite ways to relieve stress. She smiled at me as she sat it aside and pulled out the next box. This one was smaller. Inside it was a pair a microwaveable pink bunny slippers, because she always complained that that her feet were always cold and the Kappa Tau house had hard wood floors. She hated walking around my room in her bare feet.

Next was a group of three DVD's with the words _movies to drive me crazy with_ written across the front. _Gone with the Wind_, _Wizard of Oz_ and _Moulin Rouge_. Her favorite chick movies.

Then came a small jewelry sized box. I saw her eyes light up as she ripped the paper away and opened it slowly. Inside, a gold Claddash ring with a heart shaped emerald, her birthstone.

Another jewelry sized box reveled a pink butterfly key chain with two keys hanging from it. She looked at me questioningly and I smiled.

" It's the house keys. " I told her.

Finally she pulled out an envelope from the bottom of the box and slid the paper from inside. It told her that she was now a member of the Pie of the Month club and a new pie would be delivered to her at the first of each month.

She quickly unburied herself from all of her gifts and crawled over to kiss me. " It's all prefect. Thank you. "

I kissed her back, proud of myself. I had driven myself crazy for the last few days trying to decide what to get her. I watched her face as she slid the ring on her finger and knew I had done well.

I glanced around me and noticed the I had a gift from everyone in the room except for Casey sitting around me.

Mr and Mrs Cartwright were in the kitchen already, getting everything together for the family dinner that would be happening around lunch time.

Rusty was on his new cellphone talking to Jenn. Oscar was sleeping in front of the fire and Casey was sitting on the other side of the love seat looking at me.

I smiled at the expression on her face. She looked like she was sizing me up for something. I wasn't sure what she was thinking.

" What ? " I said finally.

She reached to her feet and handed me a box. " Mom helped with your present. " she told me as she watched me removing the paper from the box.

I looked inside and took out two dog dishes, a collar and a leash. " Okay, like I said before, I'm going to have to be drunk before I try the dominatrix thing. " I laughed as I eyed the boxes contents.

" Those aren't for you. " She laughed with me.

I picked up the collar and held it my neck. " That's good, because this is entirely too small for me. "

She got up and went to the back of the house without saying anything else. Then she returned a few minutes later with her hands behind her back.

" I checked in all the handbooks and made sure and there are no rules against pets in the Frat houses, just in the dorms. And I remembered you telling me once that you always wanted a dog but never got one when you were younger. " She pulled a squirming, wiggling tan puppy from behind her back. A miniature Oscar complete with black mask and wagging tail.

She thrust the dog at me and I stared at it in disbelief. " You got me a puppy. " I finally said.

" Well, like I said, Mom helped. I told you she studs Oscar and she gets a fee usually but she can also get the pick of the litter. And this is the one I picked from his last litter. " She told me, sitting next to me.

The puppy was already bounding towards my face licking me with his cold wet tongue. I laughed out at its enthusiasm.

Oscar had woken up and was thrusting his nose at the wiggling ball in my arms, checking him out for me, making sure he was okay. Apparently he approved because he started licking at the puppy. The puppy wasn't fond of the attention and turned in my arms and perked his ears up at the bigger dog.

" I can't believe you got me a puppy. " I told Casey as she shooed Oscar away and sat down beside me.

" So, you like him ? I wasn't sure it would be okay with you, but I took the chance. " she asked, nervously.

" Are you kidding me ? He's prefect. " I assured her as the puppy went back to licking at me again. Obviously he liked me as well.

I don't think I'd ever gotten a better Christmas present. I couldn't stop laughing as he breathed his 'puppy breath' into my face.

We made the new puppy a spot my room before going back downstairs to clean up all the paper in the living room and help with dinner.

Grandma Cartwright and Rosa, another Aunt, showed up not long after we finished our cleaning.

The oldest living member of the Cartwright clan was a tiny, little lady with white hair and glasses and a sweet smile. At eighty-one she moved faster than most her age and her eyes took everything in with an alert gaze that belied her age.

Aunt Rosa was Mrs. Cartwright's sister, her twin sister though you couldn't tell from looking at her. She was taller than Casey's Mom and thin and lithe with blond hair, cut it a short bob that didn't move when she shook her head. It looked more like a helmet than actual hair and as she leaned in to hug Casey, who was standing beside me, the smell of perfume and hair product just about knocked me over.

Joe, Gloria and the kids weren't far behind and soon there were so many bodies in the living room it was becoming crowded.

I wondered where we were all going to sit for dinner as I went about helping with the cooking. I was in charge of the mashed potatoes and two pies baking in the oven.

Casey got the chore of setting the tables, one for adults and one for the kids. I laughed as I heard Mrs. Cartwright tell her that Rusty would be sitting at the kid's table again this year, simply because there was no room at the adult table.

Rusty had disappeared right after the clean up and no one had seen him since. So, after mashing the potatoes and checking the pies once again, I took off to find him.

I started with his room. When I didn't find him there, I started a systemic search of the entire upstairs, starting with my room. Which is exactly where I found him, sitting in the floor with my puppy in his lap.

" Hey, Man, you okay ? " I asked as I shut the door behind me.

" She isn't pregnant. She called this morning to tell me. " He said with a bright smile over his shoulder.

I sat down on the side of the bed with a relieved sigh and a smile in return.

" Wow, that's great, Russ. I had no idea how we were going to make that work. " I told him.

He let the puppy go and it ran to me, trying to climb up my jean's leg. I reached down to scoop it up and cradled it against me.

" I want you to know how much I appreciate all you were willing to do for me. It wasn't' your problem but you made it that way, so thank you. " He said, turning towards me.

" Of course it was my problem. I wasn't going to let you deal with it all on your own. I told you before, you are part of something bigger now. We got your back. " I assured him.

" Well, thank you. I think you were going a little above and beyond the whole frat brother thing."

I shrugged, " Well maybe a little, but you are also Casey's brother. That makes you more than just a little brother. " I snatched my hand away from the sharp pointy teeth of the beast in my arms.

" He's vicious, Man. Gotta watch those teeth. " he smiled at me. " Does he have a name yet ? "

" I haven't really thought about it actually. But I'm open to suggestions. "

I sat the puppy on the floor as a sudden headache pounded against my temples.

" You're grandma's here by the way. And the entire rest of the family. " I told him. " Do you have any aspirin ? "

I followed him down the hall to the bathroom where he handed me a bottle. I took two out of the bottle and downed them quickly, hoping they were the fast acting kind. The noise from downstairs was already drifting up the stairs, causing the throbbing to increase.

By the end of dinner, I was working on a full on migraine. My head hurts so bad it was distracting and I noticed a bit of soreness in my throat every time I swallowed.

I excused myself as politely and went up stairs as quickly as I could.

Throwing myself down on the bed, I pulled my new puppy against me and fell asleep almost immediately.


	17. Chapter 17

It was seven-thirty when I opened my eyes again, or at least I think that's what the clock said. Everything was so blurry I couldn't really tell. I tried to draw in a breath that ended in a coughing spell and my nose was completely closed off.

Shit ! I was sick. Too much playing in the snow I guessed as I rolled over and found I wasn't alone in my darkened room. Casey was laying beside me, watching in intently.

I tried to force a smile but I think it came out as more of a grimace.

" You just had to go playing around outside, didn't you ? " She smiled down at me as she moved a strand of hair from my forehead. " You're burning up. "

I blinked my burning eyes and nodded. " I know. "

She reached over me to the table beside the bed and handed me a glass of water. Which I took gratefully and drained.

Then she left telling me she going to get medicine as she went.

I lay there staring at the ceiling feeling more miserable by the second. My head hurt, I couldn't breath, my eyes burned and I was so cold I couldn't get far enough under the blankets.

I never got sick. I couldn't remember the last time I even had a cold. Beaver and Wade always said it was because there was too much alcohol running through my systems, not even germs could live in that.

I realized in my state of near delirium that I really missed them. I missed the house and campus. As much as I loved being here with Casey's family I really was looking forward to getting back to my normal life and all the people that occupied it.

I heard the door open again and I looked up as Casey came back to bed and handed me a cup full of bright green liquid and another glass of water.

I took both. The taste of the green stuff was horrible and I chased it with the water as quickly as I could. I felt the bed shift as she climbed over me and I heard the soft clicking of the lamp being turned off.

Her arms came around me and I snugged back into her warmth grateful that she was there, just laying with me in the dark. I drifted off once again to the sound of her breathing lulling me along.

The next time I opened my eyes it was two-thirty in the morning. I glanced at the clock briefly before rolling towards the warm body behind me to find that there wasn't one. I squinted in the darkness thinking that perhaps she had simply moved away from me since I was so hot.

But the bed beside me was empty and I was instantly disappointed. I turned back to the room and looked around, trying to find her in the darkness before flipping on the lamp and determining she was indeed not in the room.

I rose rather stiffly and pulled the quilt around me to block out the shivers that were crawling over my skin. I was freezing, so cold my teeth were chattering.

I slipped from my room quietly and went across the hall. I still felt terrible. Actually I was pretty sure I felt worse than I had before and all I wanted was to find Casey and curl up beside her, wrapping myself in her warmth.

When I looked in her room and still didn't find her I went downstairs and poked my head first in the kitchen, then I went to the door of the living room.

I paused there in the doorway as Casey's voice came drifting to me. She was sitting on the love seat with her back to me. I felt a little guilty standing there eavesdropping like I was, but I couldn't help but wonder who she could be talking to at that hour.

" You just don't understand. " she was saying. " Things are different now. "

I considered for a moment going to her and letting her know I was there, but something made me hold back.

" No, you're wrong. This isn't like last time. I don't want you in my life anymore. " she continued and I was instantly more alert.

What did she mean this isn't like last time ? I knew she must be talking to Evan. But what had happened last time that was different now.

" I love him and I am where I want to be. " She went on after a short pause. " No, it was different then. I was confused and I didn't know what I wanted. " Another pause. " Yes, now I do. "

I tried to listen a little harder to see if I could hear what he was saying on the other end, but all I got was muffled and unintelligible. Fortunately I didn't need to hear what he was saying. She told me everything all on her own.

" Look, I feel horrible for what happened when Cappie and I were together last time. I'll never forgive myself for it, but you have to understand, this time is different. I don't want you calling me. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you. Just stay away from me. "

She flipped the phone shut with a click and I moved from the doorway, pretending I was just coming down the stairs.

She turned to me and was by my side instantly. " What are you doing up ? You should be in bed. " she chided as she lead me back up the stairs, pausing for a moment to retrieve the puppy which had been on the seat beside her.

" I was looking for you. I woke up and you weren't there. " I explained quietly. My mind was still on the phone call and what I'd heard her saying.

All sorts of thoughts were going through my mind as she took me back to bed and pulled the blanket up around me. She forced more of the foul tasting medicine down me and settled the puppy into my side, before taking her spot, curled behind me.

I tried to stay awake. I wasn't sure I wanted to sleep at the moment. Too many crazy thoughts were running through my head for me to process with all the throbbing going on there but I tried my best. From what I heard it really sounded like Evan and Casey had been going out before she broke up with me. I shook the idea away, that couldn't possibly be what she was saying. Not after all the talking about how terrible cheating was the other day. Not after everything. She would have at least told me about it. She would have confessed to me if she had done something so horrible. Especially after I confessed to her.

I found it utterly impossible to keep my eyes opened and as they slid shut for the last time, I felt her tighten her grip around me and she whisper , " I love you, " in my ear.

The next two days drifted by in a blur of whatever medicine she was constantly feeding me, a persistent fever that wasn't going up any, but wasn't going away either and terrible thoughts flitting in and out of my mind. I wanted to ask her about the phone call, but I felt guilty for listening in to her conversation. I tried to figure out someway to bring it up without telling on myself, but my head hurt to bad to make any progress. Besides, I'd lost my voice as well, so all I would really be able to do was squeak at her anyway. That is not how I wanted to have that conversation.

Fang, the puppy, so named for his vicious nature and sharp teeth, was beside me constantly. He had instantly accepted that I was his human and he seemed perfectly content with the prospect. I promised him repeatedly that we would have plenty of fun as soon as I was feeling better. His little face looked at me like he understood and he would immediately go back to chewing on my hand or trying his best to lick me in the face.

Rusty darted in and out, hanging around for awhile before tearing off again. At this point he was with Jenn fairly regularly. She came by almost everyday. The pregnancy scare had only proven to draw them closer together. I was happy to see him so happy, or I would have been if I hadn't felt so miserable.

By the end of the week, I was beginning to feel a little better. The chest cold part of my cold was lingering still and I was plagued by deep, barking coughing fits just about every time I tried to take a deep breath, but the head cold part seemed to be easing. My throat was no longer sore. The fever had finally broken and my sense of smell had returned.

This was all good news indeed since New Year's Eve was only two days away and we were heading back to school before the festivities.

After a long tearful goodbye between all the Cartwrights and even a few tears for me especially from Ethan, we started on the long journey back to school.

Rusty and Fang were occupying the backseat. I let Casey drive, since I still wasn't feeling great and the medicine she had been giving me, I found out was Nyquil, was still making me a little groggy. I had no idea that medicine that strong could be bought over the counter, but whatever was in it, it dropped me like a shot almost the moment I took it.

I still couldn't get the phone call out of my mind, but I couldn't very well bring it up with Rusty sitting in the backseat listening in. Well I could have but it didn't feel right. So I waited.

I felt almost like I was living on borrowed moments. The closer and closer we got to school the more I felt like she was going to be gone as soon as we arrived. I had no idea why I was feeling that way. She sat in the driver's seat of my jeep proudly wearing my lavaliere. The ring I had given her was on display, worn upside to indicate that she was taken. She was even at the moment clad in an old Kappa Tau shirt of mine. She certainly wasn't hiding me from her friends.

That was one of the things I had been most worried about. I didn't think she would drop me the second we got back to campus, but I was a little concerned that she might choose to not be completely honest with her sisters about where her heart was. It would be just like Casey to pretend instead of facing the confrontation I was sure would come eventually.

So I was a little surprised when we finally arrived at the Zeta Beta house and she pulled my jeep up front and got out without a second thought, still wearing my shirt, still wearing the ring and still wearing the necklace. The other thing she was wearing was a look that said she could care less what everyone inside thought.

Rusty and I helped her get her bags into the house and before I could leave she grabbed me, right in the foyer of the ZBZ house and kissed me.

It wasn't a simple kiss, it wasn't a chaste kiss. It was a throughly sound kiss. The kind of kiss that makes those around you a little uncomfortable, or envious. I wasn't sure which one she was going for but really I suspected it was the latter.

Rusty and I left her, after she promised to call me as soon as she got unpacked, with several of her sisters standing around watching us leave. As I made it out the door, from the corner of my eye, I caught Rebbecca smiling at me like she knew a secret no one else did.

Boy would she be surprised when she tried to cause trouble this time.

I was almost laughing at just the thought of it by the time I got back to the jeep.

Beaver and Wade attacked us as soon as well exited the jeep. Beaver, pulling me into a hug that caused my feet to leave the ground. He always was the overly emotional sort. There was much black slapping and welcome homes.

A small party was already starting up in the living room. The moment I entered, with Fang tucked under my arm, a Tri Pi girls that I had previously spent a little time with, I think their names were Tiffany and Brittany, grabbed me and pulled me inside the crowded room with the party.

" We have missed you. " One of them said, with her tongue practically in my ear.

I didn't have a chance to answer before the other one was sliding her hand over my chest and burying her face in my neck.

" We've been waiting for you since yesterday. It was so cold and lonely last night. " She said before kissing me.

I pulled back from them trying to escape their grasp, when Bev came to my rescue, shooing the girls from me.

" Let him breath, Ladies. He just got here. " he told them, drawing me away from them and up the stairs. " So your folks got you a dog, huh ? "

I looked down at Fang and smiled. " No, Casey did. "

He stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. " Dude ! " was all he said, but I understood. We wanted the whole story.

And I told him most of it as we went into my room and made a bed for the puppy.

" So, you are really back with her ? This isn't going to be like last time, is it ? " he asked. " I don't' think I can take all the cleaning again. "

I assured him that nothing like that was going to happen, but I couldn't help but remember the phone call. Her words to Evan still played over and over in my brain. I hadn't really been able to stop thinking about it really.

The ten hour road trip hadn't helped much either. I had drifted in and out of dreams of Casey talking to Evan on the phone, telling him how much she loved him and wanted him back. Telling him that I didn't have to know what was going on, it would be there secret.

I know it was stupid. Of course I know. She would never do anything like that to me. I was certain that I had misunderstood the entire thing. Taken her words out of context.

_I feel horrible for what happened when Cappie and I were together last time. I'll never forgive myself for it, but you have to understand, this time is different._

No matter how many times the words replayed I just couldn't find a way to make them sound innocent. I was going to have to talk to her. I needed to know what happened last time. I needed to hear it from her. I wasn't sure what I would do if I found out that she had started dating Evan before she broke up with me.

Beaver looked at me for a long moment. " You seem different. " he told me. " I'm not sure why, but something is definitely different. " Then his eyes widened and he gave me a huge smile. " Oh, my God, your letters, Bro. Where the hell are is your lavaliere ? "

" Casey has it. " I answered, with a smile of my own. " She kinda took from me. "

" Casey took what ? " Wade asked as he entered the room.

" His letters, Man. Casey Cartwright has his lavaliere. " Beaver told him.

" No, " Wade groaned. " Does she really ? "

" Hey, what the hell is that suppose to mean ? " I demanded.

Wade clasped my shoulder and lead me to the bed where he sat next to me. " Dude, I love you like a brother. " I nodded. " Well, it's just that this girl has messed you up so badly already. I'd hate to see you start with the cleaning and the moping again. "

I stood and put my hands on my hips. " There is not going to be any cleaning or moping. I swear. We aren't going to break up again. "

They both eyed me doubtfully but seemed to accept that they weren't going to change my mind.

We went back downstairs to join the party. I had a hell of a time keeping Tiffany and Brittany off of me, before I spotted a couple of single guys and pawned them off on them.

Wade found me not long after and informed me that there was someone at the door to see either me or Rusty. And they couldn't find him anywhere.

I suspected he was off somewhere with Jenn who I knew was returning today as well. So I went to see who it was.

Hannah stood in the doorway of the Kappa Tau house. Her red hair was swept up in a high ponytail. She wore a pair of painted on black jeans and a white sweater that dipped low, showing off her ample cleavage. She certainly didn't look like a science geek to me.

She gave me a huge smile as I approached her.

" I was hoping you had made it back by now. " she said coming to me and wrapping her arms around my neck.

I wasn't expecting her to hug me and I almost stumbled in surprise. " We just made it back this afternoon. When did you get here ? "

" Day before yesterday. I wanted to get settled before everyone started coming back. " she informed me as I lead her towards the living room.

But she stopped me. " Can I talk to you somewhere a little more private ? "

I nodded and lead her upstairs to my room.

She was silent until I closed the door behind me.

" I wasn't sure whether I should say anything or not. " she began, taking a seat on my bed. " It's just that, I went to see Casey before coming here. I wasn't sure about just showing up here by myself, so I was hoping I could talk her into coming along. " she shrugged. " Anyway, she wasn't alone when I went up to her room. There was a guy in there with her. "

I blinked. " There was a guy in her room at the ZBZ house. "

Men were generally not allowed upstairs at the Sorority house so I was a bit surprised.

" I don't think anyone else knew he was there. Her balcony door was opened. "

So some guy had climbed the trellis and gotten into her room through the balcony. Now I really was interested.

" What did he look like ? " I knew it had to be Evan before I even asked. But I wanted to be sure.

" Tall, pretty, blond. " Yep, Evan.

I grabbed my cellphone and punched her number in quickly. It only rang once before she answered.

" What's up ? " she asked, cheerfully. " I was just about to call you. "

" Yeah, well, I guess I beat you to it. What are you doing ? "

" I just finished unpacking and finishing off some business I needed to take care of. " she answered, casually. " How is Fang ? Is he settling in okay ? "

I glanced to Hannah's leg, where Fang was scrambling to try to climb. " Yep, he's fine. Why don't you come on over ? There's a party starting up downstairs and Hannah is here. "

She paused for a moment before answering. " I just have a few more things to take care of and I'll be right there. Give me half an hour. "

I agreed and hung up with a quick " I love you. "

Hannah was looking at me expectantly. " She'll be here in a little while. "

" You didn't mention the guy ? " she made it sound like a question.

" No, I thought I'd try to be a little more subtle. Why don't we go downstairs and I'll introduce you around. " I suggested.

We went down and Wade was the first person I ran into. I explained to him that Hannah was a special friend of mine and I wanted him to look out for her, introduce her to everyone. Then I left her in his capable hands.

The trek down Greek row didn't' take as long as I thought it would, probably because I was running. My house was in the middle, hers was the last one. I considered that I probably should have driven since I was so anxious to get there, but the jeep was at the house and I was half way to hers before the thought occurred to me.

I felt like an idiot as I scaled the trellis under her window. Evan could came out at any moment and catch me spying on them like some kind of demented peeping Tom. But it was the only way I was going to know for sure what was going on it that room. The only way I could put my mind to ease.

I climbed over the balcony rail and molded my body to the wall as best as I could, staying to the shadows.

What I saw inside as I peered around the door did nothing to ease my mind. Evan was there alright, talking to Casey animatedly about their break up.

" I'm sorry. You have to believe me. I made a mistake. " he was saying as I leaned closer to hear better.

Casey turned away from him and I was her shoulders shake. " I'm sorry, Evan. It's too late for that. "

He stared down at her, towering over her shoulder. " You know you will never be able to hold on to this presidency without me at your side. The only reason they wanted you here in the first place was that I came with the package. " he told her. His voice was low and a little threatening. I was suddenly very glad I was there.

" I don't you to keep the presidency. " she insisted.

" Of course you do. How far do you think its going to go with national when they find out the kind of guy you've decided to hook up with. Do you really think there image of the perfect ZBZ has a Kappa Tau lavaliere hanging from her neck. I'm betting they would much rather that be my letters. "

She stepped away from him and I jumped back as she turned towards the door. " Don't you think I know all that. The representative from national has already called me twice this afternoon. Apparently someone in the house called her and told her all about Cappie. "

He put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her into him. " That is exactly why you have to break this off. I know what this means to you. Are you so certain you want to through it all away over him ? "

She didn't say anything. My chest tightened as the silence continued to grow between them. She wasn't arguing with him. She wasn't protesting.

She was in fact crying on his shoulder. Crying because by choosing me, she had thrown everything else in her life away.

I climbed down from the balcony feeling stupid and selfish and ashamed.

Then with my eyes on the ground on front of me I headed back home, trying to figure out what I was going to do now.


	18. Chapter 18

As I approached the house, I hesitated before finally deciding to go inside. I wanted to keep walking. I wanted to get away from everyone again and just go back to our nice secluded place where no one else existed. We were so happy away from here.

It was like this place, this campus held some kind of strange chemistry for us that pulled us away from each other. As much as I missed all my house mates and friends, I would have given them up in an instant to not have seen that look on Casey's face that I had just witnessed.

I walked up the front steps wondering what she would say when she arrived. I seriously doubted that she would be honest with me. I just couldn't imagine her doing anything besides what she always did, smile and pretend everything was fine.

I had no idea how I was going to look at her smiling at me and smile back, not when I knew everything I knew now. My entire body felt heavy as I went up the stairs to my room and closed the door behind me.

I sank gratefully into my bed and stretched out. Then I came off the bed just as quickly as a pair of hands came around my shoulder, and down my chest.

Snatching on the lamp, I looked around and shuddered as my eyes adjusted to the light.

" What the hell are you doing here ? " I demanded immediately as my eyes landed on the body in my bed.

" I missed you. I just wanted to say welcome back. " Rebbecca Logan mewed at me coyly.

I opened the door and pointed towards the hall. " Get out, Now. "

She pulled the blankets off her completely nude body and batted her eyes at me. " Like this ? Don't you think it would look a little funny, me going downstairs without any clothes on. People will talk. "

" Fine, " I smiled in irritation as I grabbed the coat that wasn't mine laying on the foot of the bed and threw it at her. " Get dressed, then get out. "

She snatched the coat up and flung it over her shoulders. " You know, I was just trying to be friendly. I thought we really connected the night we were together. "

I looked at her like she'd grown another head. " I don't even remember most of that night. " I told her.

" Is that what you're going to tell Miss Perfect when she finds out about us ? " she asked, with a snide little sneer as she got up and wrapped the coat around herself.

I closed the door but kept my hand on the knob. " Actually, that's what I already told Casey, because it's the truth. "

She stared at me in disbelief. " There is no way you told her about me and you're still together. "

" Did you really come all the way over here in nothing but a coat just to cause trouble ? " I asked. I absolutely could not believe the lengths she would go to hurt Casey. " I can't believe you really hate her that much. What is your morbid fixation with her ? "

She looked away from me and moved to the door, suddenly very ready to leave all on her own. " I do not have a morbid fixation. I just thought we could have some fun."

I laughed. " You thought you would come over here dressed like that and Casey would find you naked in my bed and draw her own conclusions. "

Her eyes flashed at me. " It's for her own good this time. You have no idea what she's dealing with right now because of you and your house's reputation. "

I didn't stumble. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach but I didn't stumble. I was very proud. I didn't even flinch.

" Why would you be doing anything for Casey's own good ? What's your angle in all this ? " I demanded, taking a step closer to her.

She looked down again, then back up at me. " You know, I've been on my own for the most part since I came to this God Forsaken school. I really did think we were hitting it off during that project, and then you were so nice to me that night at the bar. " She sighed and I could have sworn I felt her hand shaking where it rested on top of mine over the door knob.

I blinked in amazement. Was that really a real emotion coming out of Rebbecca Logan ?

" Rebbecca, " I lowered my voice and looked down at her. " I'm with Casey and I'm not Evan. You can't have me just because you decided you want me. I belong to her. "

" I knew it. " she sighed again. " You really are a nice guy. "

" I really try to be. " I nodded.

" Then think about this, " she said, her voice quiet. " Your girlfriend is going through hell over you. She's been on the phone all afternoon and people have been in and out of her room constantly. "

I couldn't keep the frown off my face this time. She wasn't being mean now, she was being truthful and I couldn't just brush that off. " I know and I'm trying to figure out what we're going to do. "

" What you're going to do is make her lose this presidency. " Rebbecca told me bluntly. " I know you know how much this means to her and believe me, I am not here telling you this to save her ass. I'm here to warn you, because I know what she's willing to do to be the President of the Zeta Beta Zetas. I've seen it first hand. I like you and I don't want to see you get hurt, again. "

" And what is it that you think I should do about all this ? " I asked.

" From my point of view, I want to be the youngest president that Sorority has ever had, So I say please stay with her. For her sake, walk away. Actually better yet, find a way to make her walk away. It's easier to get over someone when your angry. "

I dropped my hand from the knob and went to sit on the bed with my head in my hands. " I can't do that. I just can't. How the hell am I supposed to let her go now when I just got her back ? "

I thought she would leave. I expected her to as soon as I freed the door. Instead she came to sit beside me and put her arm around my shoulder.

" I hate this for you. I know how much you wanted her back. " she said, her voice quiet again. " But Casey has to see, this time she can't have her cake and eat it, too. She's going to have to choose and I'm really afraid she isn't going to choose you. "

" Yes, she will. " I countered without a doubt in my mind. Suddenly I knew exactly what she would do and it turned my insides to mush just thinking about it. " She'll choose me and be completely miserable because of it. "

" That doesn't really sound like a win for you, now does it ? " she asked.

I nodded into my hands. No, it really didn't. I never wanted to make Casey miserable. I never wanted her to have to make another choice like this. I knew now how hard it had been on her the first time. It wasn't fair to put her through that again.

I would rather lose her and let her be happy than stay with her and make her miserable.

And Rebbecca was right. It wasn't enough for me to let her go. I needed her to leave me. It was the only way she could go on the way she needed to. Making her hate me was what I needed to do.

I thought for a moment about using Rebbecca. She was right there beside me and she was willing. I knew she wouldn't have hesitated to kiss me.

But there were some lines I couldn't cross. I couldn't make her hate me that much. I just couldn't. So I thanked her and lead her downstairs before Casey got there. Ushering her out as quickly as I could. I knew Casey would be there soon. Any moment she would come walking through the door with that obnoxious fake smile planted on her face. The one I hated so much. The one I couldn't stand to see her give me. It was the one she used on Evan. I had seen it so many times I couldn't count them all.

So while my mind formulated a plan to keep that plastic smile away I grabbed a drink and waited for her.

I didn't have to wait long. But I was surprised when she got there. She wasn't wearing the smile. She wasn't wearing any form of a smile. But she did kiss me and take my hand, leading me up to my room quickly.

" I have no idea what I'm going to do. " she said as soon as the door shut.

" About what ? " I blinked innocently.

I had found Fang downstairs with Wade and Beaver and collected him before I followed her to my room. He was now running around our feet, nipping at my pant legs and untying Casey shoes with his teeth.

" National is having a fit. Since the article came out they are watching us so closely." She explained, solemnly. " Someone, Rebbecca, called them and told them that we were together. "

She flopped down on the bed and let out a painful sounding sigh. " I've been on the phone all afternoon trying to smooth everything over. "

I looked at her in amazement. I had not expected this. She was telling me the truth. She wasn't pretending everything was fine. She wasn't wearing that fake grin. She was being honest. I couldn't believe how proud I was of her and her faith in me. I was touched and awed in the same moment.

" Then Evan came over and he was being, well, Evan. " she continued. " I just have no idea what to do. Can we go back home and hide from all of them again ? "

I kissed her, pulling her to me and putting everything I was feeling in that one moment in time into the kiss. I don't think I had ever loved her more than I did right then.

Then I felt guilty for my lack of faith in her and all we had been through over the past few weeks. Of course she wasn't going to lie to me. Of course she was going to be honest with me. I mentally berated myself for ever doubting her.

" I'm so sorry. " I whispered into her hair as I held her against me. " I know this is all because of me. I don't know what to do either. "

" I have a confession to make. " Her voice was low and guilty-sounding as she pulled away from me. " I actually thought, for about all of two seconds, of coming over here and telling you I couldn't see you anymore. Please don't hate me. "

" Of course I don't hate you. It's only natural that you might think about it. Like I said I am the cause of all your problems right now. " I was silent for a moment before I drew in a deep breath and continued. " It would kill me, but I would understand if you wanted to stop this now. I know how much the Sorority means to you. I don't want to be responsible for you losing something that means so much. "

She was looking at me now like I'd grown another head. " What the hell are you talking about ? "

" I know I'm making problems for you and I understand if you want to call this whole thing off. " I explained.

" You understand ? " She was practically yelling now, as she jumped to feet. " What kind of noble crap is that ? I thought we said we were in this for the long haul. I thought you said you loved me. But maybe I was wrong. Surely you couldn't be so nonchalant about letting me go if you did love me. "

Now I was on my feet and my voice was increasing in volume with every word I spoke. " You think this is easy for me ? You think I can just walk away from you without it killing me inside ? I don't know what I'm going to do if you decide to leave. "

Fang was barking between us, excited by our raised voice and animated movement.

We both looked down at him and neither of us could help but laugh at his little body with his tail raised in the air, looking as ferocious as he could manage, barking like mad, first at her, then at me.

" He's upset because Mommy and Daddy are fighting. " Casey mused as she picked him up in her arms and soothed him. " I have no intention of leaving, by the way, so this whole argument is pointless and we've upset him for nothing. "

" Casey, please, you have to think about your future and if that means not being with me, then we'll find a way to live without each other. " I said quietly as the dog leaped from her to me.

She took him back from me, set him down on the floor at our feet again and came into my arms. Then she blinked as she looked up at me. " Cappie, you are my future. "

Then she kissed me and I knew right then that we would find a way to work through everything together. It wasn't until later, laying with her in my arms and my puppy at my feet that I remembered the mysterious phone call at two thirty in the morning. I decided, as I drifted off, to ask her about it in the morning.


	19. Chapter 19

I yanked and tugged as hard as I could on the sock that I was trying to wrestle away from Fang, but he had no intention of letting go.

" Don't pull to hard. " Casey told me, leaning over my shoulder. " You could hurt his little teeth. "

I looked over at her disbelievingly. " I was really a little more concern for my sock. His teeth are fine. My sock is tearing. "

I tugged a little harder this time, just as he was adjusting his grip which sent him tumbling head over paws across the rug. He righted himself with a disgusted snort and took off out the door to find a more willing playmate.

" Now, see what you did. " Casey chided. " You hurt his feelings. "

I held up my torn sock and showed it to her. " He hurt my sock. "

" We should really get him some toys to chew on, I guess. " she said, eying the offensive garment warily. " Next thing he'll go for is your shoes. "

I grabbed my Nike's from the floor and shoved them quickly on my feet. " Not if I'm in them he won't." I declared triumphantly.

Then I spied the pink heels she had worn the night before and I couldn't help the smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth. " It looks like he has already expressed his opinion of your shoes though. "

She huffed and grabbed her shoes from the floor, looking dejectedly at the gnawed on heel. " Crap, these were one of my favorite pairs. " Then she looked back at me. " I'm not staying over any more if you can't keep your beast in line. "

I couldn't help laughing as I dragged her to me and we both went tumbling onto the bed. " Are we still talking about the dog ? "

She had landed under me, laughing along and I looked down at her for a moment before kissing her. Shoving at my shoulder, she pulled away from me and sat back up. " I have a meeting across campus in thirty minutes.

" With whom ? " I raised my eyebrows at her playfully. " Should I be worried ? "

" With Sarah Beckman from National and you might as well be worried, I am. " she sighed.

I pulled her back to me, wrapping her in my arms supportively. " It'll be alright. You know she can't really tell you who you can date and who you can't. This is all just a bully tactic. "

She nodded into my chest. " But I really hate to be bullied. " Her voice was a muffled whine.

" Then don't let her. You just stand up proud and tell her that you are the best President the Sorority has had in years and she has no right to judge what you do with your social life. " I suggested.

She laughed. " I should just tell her that, huh ? Should I add a 'piss off' to the end of it ? "

" Well I'm not sure that would be wise. "

" Exactly. I have to placate this woman. I need to smile and nod and pretend I'm hearing every bad thing she was to say about the Kappa Tau house. I need to make her think that she is getting through to me. " She explained. " I have to make her think I'm listening to her. "

" Well, " I let her go and she stood, gathering the rest of her clothes and dressing. " Like you said, we are both really good actors. " I shrugged.

" Yeah, but I'm trying to retire. " She smiled. " I don't want to have to act anymore. " The smile slipped from her face. " I'm just so tired of pretending. "

She looked tired in that moment and I hated that the thing she loved so much was draining her so terribly. But I could see the strain in her face. Her eyes were shadowed, not near their usual bright vibrant green. Her cheeks were a little sunken as if she hadn't been eating enough in the last few days and her mouth was drawn down in a frown that I rarely saw from her.

" I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you. " I said, coming to her to hug her again.

She pulled away suddenly and eyed me with a look that really got me worried. " Maybe there is something you can do for me. "

" What ? " I asked, after a moments fearful hesitation.

" Well, like you said, WE are BOTH really good actors. How fast can you be dressed and ready to go?"

Sarah Beckman was a stuffy, prim woman in her late twenties wearing a pink Chanel suit and a matching headband in her overly bleached hair. Her make up was over done and dramatic with lips a shade of dark red that did nothing for her much too orange complexion. She looked like an Avon saleswoman, or a walking add for cosmetics. Everything about her from her hair that didn't move to her perfectly manicured nails, to her three inch beige heels looked plastic to me.

Her smile, when she used it, looked more like a painful grimace or maybe like she had just smelled something foul.

I couldn't help but wonder why the hell Casey would want to be a part of any organization this woman was an authority figure in. I hated her instantly and did my best not to pull at the tie Casey had made me wear. It was one of two I owned, but she had immediately nixed the one with the little bottles of beer all over it. I was here trying to prove that Kappa Taus weren't all a bunch of scandalous barbarians. I couldn't believe she had chosen me to represent that particular concept. I was, after all, the model Kappa Tau.

However, at the moment, I could have easily fit in at the Omega Chi house. My costume was complete with tan dockers, loafers I had to borrow from Heath, and my official Kappa Tau Gamma jacket that only got dragged out of the closet about twice a year when I had no choice. I felt like an idiot.

Everything about the whole incident felt wrong. But I smiled and did my best to pretend to be all the things I was supposed to be, responsible, upstanding, dignified. Right now, what Casey needed was Evan Chambers and I was determined to do my best to be him for her. It was just for an afternoon after all. Surely I could pull that off.

" So, what are your plans for after graduation ? " Sarah asked me while once again giving me that look like she smelled something.

" I'm hoping for Harvard Law. " I answered with much more confidence than I felt.

" That's quite ambitious of you. I wasn't aware that members of your organization had such high aims."

" Actually, the Kappa Tau Gamma house has turned out it's share of very influential members of society. We have several very important alumni from this very chapter even. " I informed her honestly. Now this was something I could do. I was really proud of my Fraternity. Talking it up was easy for me.

" Really ? " she snorted. " Would I know any of them ? "

" I'm sure you have already done your research on our house. You no doubt know all about our past members. " I smiled back at her as I took a drink from the water glass in front of me.

" Yes, in fact I have done quite a bit of research on you Fraternity. The thing that concerns me most are all in the article that was released not long before Christmas. I understand that most of the incidents described in the article were about the Kappa Tau Gamma Fraternity specifically. " She informed me stiffly.

I leveled her with an unflinching gaze. " The article that you are referring to does not, in fact, mention any particular organization specifically. I believe that if any of the accusations the article makes could be substantiated, we would have been reprimanded personally by the Campus administration. We have received no such reprimands in regards to the article. Therefore I believe it's reasonable to assume that everything contained in the article was merely hearsay and there was no proof of our involvement. "

Mrs. Beckman's eyes widen for an instant but she hid it behind her water glass as she took a sip. " I suppose it is reasonable to assume so, yes. " she mumbled, setting the glass back down. " Will you excuse me for a moment ? I need to powder my nose. "

Casey was grabbing my arm before she was even out of the room completely. " Where the hell did that come from ? " she demanded.

" What ? " I shrugged innocently, trying to hide how extremely proud of myself I was.

" Have you ever thought about running for office ? " She smiled brightly.

" I have run for office. I'm the president of my Fraternity. Why is it that no one remembers that ? " I huffed. " I swear, I really do know a lot about politics. I know a lot about a bunch of things. Why is everyone so surprised by that. "

She looked at me with an exasperated smile. " Because you do what you can to make sure that no one remembers any of that. "

I finally let the smile explode across my face. " Yeah, I guess that could probably be the reason. "

She rested her hand over mine and squeezed it gently. " I can't believe you did all this for me. "

" Of course. " I shrugged again. " I'd do anything for you. " I paused to look at her for a moment. " So you think I did okay ? "

She laughed. " I think you were amazing. Better than I ever thought you could do. " She was staring at me with such pride and love on her face, my heart leaped.

She always had a way of making me do that. She always made me feel so alive. My heart pounded harder around her. My mind buzzed. She made me think. She made me feel. I felt like I could do anything as long as she believed in me. With her beside me, I was Superman. Nothing felt impossible or unachievable. She was like a drug to me and I was completely addicted to the way she made me feel. I only hoped that I made her feel the same way.

I felt myself slipping back into that crazy, mad obsessive love thing that she mentioned before, but I didn't care in that moment.

Right then I had a mission. I needed to charm this woman into believing that my Fraternity couldn't possibly be everything she had heard it was. I would worry about my obsession with Casey later. At the moment it was driving me forward.

I stood as Sarah Beckman returned from the restroom and resumed her seat.

" So I hope I have alleviated your fears as far as the Kappa Taus involvement in the things mentioned in the article. " I told her with my best dazzling smile. " I assure you we have never condoned underage drinking or cheating. It's against everything we stand for. "

She eyed me suspiciously. " I am very well aware of everything the Kappa Tau Gamma House stands for. I am not stupid or naive. I am an alumni of Cyprus Rhodes. I know all about your house. "

" Aw, but you only know how our House used to be, before I took over as President. I have done my best to instill strong moral fiber and traditional values in our members and I feel I've been very successful. We now donate more of our time to charitable activities than almost any other Fraternity on campus, for instance. " This was not an out right lie. We did do a lot of charity work, but mostly it was because we were forced to through violation and citations from campus security. Since our old friend, Officer Bob retired the year before, the new campus guards were tougher on us than most of the other houses. Of course, that was probably due to the fact that we caused them the most trouble with the loud parties and such, but hey, we had a reputation to uphold.

" Really ? " Sarah leaned in towards me. " I wasn't aware that the KTG's were that interested in charities. "

I nodded. " Oh, yes, Ma'am. We think of it as our duty to give back to a community that has given us so much. "

" I'm curious as to why you choose the KTG house instead of the Omega chi's when you pledged a house. I could see you as a very productive member of the Omega Chi's. "

" I choose the house that I felt needed me the most. The Omega Chi's are already the most influential, respected Fraternity on campus. I felt I could do more good at the Kappa Tau house. And I am proud to say that I feel I have done a lot of good since becoming President. "

She sat back and gave me the first genuine smile I had seen from her. Then she looked to Casey. " I can see exactly why you have chosen to fight so hard for your continued involvement with this young man. He is obviously everything a Zeta Beta girl wants in a companion. "

I felt my cheeks grow warm for a moment and blinked back my surprise. That had been much easier than I thought it was going to be. I was afraid for a moment that it was too easy, in fact. So I tried to remain cautiously optimistic.

" I am going to discuss the situation with the rest of the board of our National Chapter. I think perhaps we can all agree that this situation in no ways reflects poorly on us as an organization. " She was still smiling, but her eyes had drifted to me once again.

" I really want to thank you for all the support you have given me since I took over. I know I could not have done as well without your backing. " Casey told her sweetly.

" Well, your welcome. I believe that in order to get past this scandal we need a strong, upstanding, respectable leader and I feel confident that we found that in you. " She inclined her head slightly. " I think you are doing a wonderful job of making sense of all the chaos your predecessor left behind. "

" I am really trying to get everything back in line. " She agreed.

" I will let you know what we decide when a decision regarding this matter is made. " Sarah stood. " In the meantime, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I'm sure I can smooth this whole thing over for you." She turned to me. " Would you mind walking me to my car ? The only spot I could find was in the back of the lot. "

I nodded and stood, taking the arm she was offering me.

As soon as we cleared the restaurant's front doors, she turned to me. " So, you are planning on continuing on to law school ? "

I nodded again. " That is the plan. "

" Have you considered a career in politics ? You are an amazing speaker. Very articulate. "

I jumped as I felt her hand ease from my arm and touch my side. Then before I knew what was happening her hand went from my side, around the back of my thigh and landed just below my ass.

What the hell was it about me that made gay men and older woman attack me the first chance they got? I knew I had been charming, but I really wasn't expecting her to make a move like that.

" I have thought about politics. " I answered, trying hard to ignore her hand and keep the complacent smile on my face.

As we approached a silver Mazda, she stopped and turned to me. " This is me. I'm staying at the Hilton, in room 909. Perhaps if you aren't doing anything later, you could drop by and we could continue our discussion about your future. " She smiled.

" Is my dropping by going to make a difference to your recommendations to the National Board ? " I asked, bluntly, cutting to the chase.

She laughed nervously. " Why would you even think such a thing ? It didn't mean for it to sound that way. "

I smiled. " In that case, I'm really sorry, but I'm in love with Casey and I would never betray her like that. So I believe I will have to respectfully decline your invitation. "

She nodded and looked a little disappointed. " Actually, I think that says more about you than it would have if you had agreed. Thank you for being so honest. It's refreshing to find that in someone so young and ambitious. "

" Then, I'm happy to have surprised you. "

" What would you have said if I had told you my recommendations was at stake ? " She asked, almost as an afterthought as she got into her car.

I stepped back and thought about that for a minute. " I'm really not sure. Like I said, I love Casey and her happiness is the most important thing in the world to me. So I really don't know. Thank you for not making me have to make that choice. "

" Tell Casey not to worry about the National Chapter. I will do everything I can for her on my end. " She told me as she gave me one last smile and shut the door.

Casey was still sitting where I'd left her a few minutes before, but now she had her phone pressed to her ear. My mind snapped back to the night at her house and the conversation I overheard then. So instead of walking up and regaining my seat like I knew I should have, I eased up behind her and tried to drowned out the sounds going on around us.

" You have to stop calling me. How many times do I have to tell you that I want you to leave me alone? I'm done listening to you. " She was saying as I tried to remain as hidden as possible behind a half wall that hid the passage to the restrooms. A large plant was blocking her view of me and I watched her through its leaves, feeling like a jealous idiot.

" You have no right to try and tell me what to do anymore. " she continued into the phone. " You have no hold over me anymore. This whole thing is over. " She paused for a moment, listening. " I don't want or need your help anymore. If you really want to help me, you'll leave me alone and stay out of my life. " Again she paused, then her eyes widen and she looked stunned for a moment. " You can't be serious. Okay, I'll meet you but not until later tonight. I know a little place off campus. "

I took in a quick breath as she gave the person on the other end the address of my favorite off campus pool hall. I had grown to think of the miserable little dive as our special place. It was where I found her after the thing with Evan and Rebbecca. It was where I took her on our first date and many times after that when the stress of school became too much for both of us. I couldn't believe she was telling someone, I could only assume was Evan, about it.

As she snapped the phone shut she looked a little shaken and I gave her a moment to compose herself. I had no intention of letting her know I had overheard her this time. Now I knew exactly what I was going to do. I wasn't going to give her a chance to invent a bunch of lies about the phone calls.

Tonight I thought, I might like to grab a game of pool.


	20. Chapter 20

The Lite and Easy pool hall was never crowded, never too loud and most importantly no one I knew, knew of its existence. Besides Casey of course. We had spent many, many hours inside the smoky, smelly dive leaning over a pool table in the back drinking horrible beer and enjoying the anonymity of the place.

As I walked inside the bartender nodded towards me and my eyes instantly began to sting from the smoke in the atmosphere. I rubbed at them for a moment before heading towards the back and finding a nice little out of the way table with a chair that had one leg shorter than all the rest. It rocked with him slightly as I sat down and scanned my eyes over the meager crowd that had already assembled.

A couple of big, beefy looking guys were leaving on their pool cues, talking about something in quiet, hushed voices. Another couple, a man and a woman were circling each other over beers at another table, looking like a pair of vultures in heat, smiling and flirting ridiculously.

But there was no Casey. I settled back to sip at the beer a waitress had set in front of me and wait.

I didn't have to wait for long. Just as I was setting down my empty glass and glancing for the hundredth time at my watch, I spotted a flash of a blond ponytail followed by another much darker head of hair.

I blinked for a moment in confusion, not exactly sure of what I seeing at first. Then recognition dawned on me. Casey wasn't here to see Evan. She was here meeting Fran. But why ? Why the hell would she have agreed to meet Fran after all the hell the woman had put her through. I pulled the hood of my black sweatshirt a little tighter around my face and shifted so that I wasn't in their view directly.

They walked right past me as I leaned over my table and pretended to concentrate on my phone.

Luck was on my side as they slide into the chair at the table right behind mine.

" So, I'm glad you've come to your senses and agreed to listen to me. I can help you, Casey. " Fran was saying. " I can help you keep this Presidency. "

" I don't need your help in keeping my position. I am doing just fine on my own. " Casey informed her tersely. " You know why I'm here. And I think its really sad that you had to resort to blackmail to get me to give you a few moments of my time. Although I suppose it does say a lot about your importance around campus these days, doesn't it ? "

Fran sat back and I saw her shoulders straighten. " I would watch who I piss off if it was me, Sweetie. You don't want me for an enemy. "

" I don't want you as anything, Fran. I want you to leave me alone. Just go away. Slink back under whatever rock you crawled from and let me clean up the mess you made. " I smiled to myself as I heard Casey telling her.

" How exactly do you think the new love of your life is going to take it when he finds out about that little incident between you and Evan that I referred to earlier ? I bet he freaks out and never wants to see you again. That would be fun to watch. " I could hear the smile in her voice and I wanted to get up and slap it from her face.

She was gloating, mocking Casey and I hated hearing it in her tone. Wait, I thought to myself, what little incident !

I leaned back in my chair to hear better as I heard Casey shifting. " It was a long time ago and I'd rather not discuss it. What is it you want ? "

" Well, it's good to know that you care enough about keeping your secret that you're willing to listen to me at least. That's a start. What I'm wondering is, exactly how much does the secret mean to you ? "

" Just tell me what you want. " Casey insisted impatiently.

" I want to come back to the house. "

" I can't do that. National has been looking over all you creative book keeping skills and they aren't happy. I managed to talk them out of filing criminal charges over your misappropriation of finds. Don't you think you owe me enough for that to keep your mouth shut. "

Fran sighed and leaned forward. " What do you think ? "

" Well, I'm not letting you blackmail me into reinstating you in the house. I can't do that. My Presidency really would be over. "

" Well, it's either your presidency or your little relationship. You chose. " I heard that smile again. "Come on, Casey. You knew it would come to this. It always does, doesn't it ? You can't have both. It will never work. Besides as hard as you are working to win over all the girls of the house. My people on the inside are working to win them back. It's a constant tug of war and it always will be. You stabbed me in the back over that article and I intend to pay you back for that, with interest. "

Casey stood. I heard her chair scrap across the floor as she left it. " I'm going. Say whatever you want. Do whatever you want. I haven't got time for your games anymore. I just think it's sad when people can't see how over they are. "

Fran was standing too now. " How dare you talk to me like that ! " She spat rather loudly. " I made you everything you are today. I can break you just as easily. "

" No, Fran, you can't. No one is listening to you anymore. Everyone sees what a loser you are now. It's over. Accept that. You're over. " Casey told her.

" I'm betting Cappie will listen to me. " Fran said.

" I'm betting he won't. "

Fran took a step closer to her and Casey eased back from her. " Listen to me, you ungrateful little Bitch. You have the power to make National listen to you right now. They will believe you if you tell them that everything they think about me is a mistake and you want me back in the house. "

Casey stepped around her. She was standing right next to me and I leaned over my table, trying to keep hidden as much as I could.

" I am not letting you back in the house. It's not going to happen. Leave us alone. " Casey said.

The next thing I knew there was a sound like an angry wild animal coming from Fran and she launched herself towards Casey. But Casey was fast and stepped out of the way at the last second. I felt myself tumbling out of my chair as Fran's body slammed into my chair's off balanced legs and sent it flying from under me.

I rolled and tried to brace myself with my hands but Fran fell into me, knocking me onto my side and causing me to slam my head into the single, metal leg in the middle of the table.

I couldn't think for a moment as pain seared through me. I grabbed at the side of my head, and felt wetness and bringing my hand away I saw blood.

I looked up at Casey who was standing over me with her hands out trying to help me up until her face registered recognition. She stepped back from me like I had burned her almost stumbling in her retreat.

Fran was sitting on the floor beside me laughing joyously, it was an evil, shrill noise that carried through the small room.

Everyone was watching us. Neither Casey nor I moved, Neither knowing what to say to the other. Then her eyes trailed to the side of my face and grew wide as she noticed the blood.

" Oh, God, " she exclaimed, bending down to me, " Are you okay ? "

"Yeah, I think so. " I mumbled, trying to stand.

" What the hell are you doing here ? " she demanded as she helped me to my feet.

" Isn't it obvious, Sweetie ? " Fran said, standing as well. " He followed you. He was spying on you. That's just delicious. I couldn't have planned it better. "

Casey ignored her and looked at me with narrowed eyes. " Are you spying on me ? "

I looked down, unable to meet her eyes. I couldn't lie to her and tell her I wasn't. I was caught. I had no excuse for what I'd done. Once again that terrible feeling was overtaking me.

What the hell was I do ? Sneaking around in shadows, listening to phone conversations, hiding outside her room, snooping in her e-mail behind her back. I had never been an especially jealous person. I was acting insane and she had every right to be angry.

I let my shoulders sag as I stepped past her and left the bar without saying a word.

I barely made it to my bed when I heard her footsteps approaching my door. I rolled to my side, hiding my face from the door as it opened and closed again.

" What the hell, Cap ? " she asked as she came to stand beside the bed.

I didn't move, instead choosing to just lay there as still as I could.

" Okay, " she nudged me. " First you act like some jealous Neanderthal, following me, spying on me and now you won't even talk to me. Damn it, I deserve some kind of explanation. "

I sat up finally and turned towards her. " I'm sorry. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I can't give you an explanation. I don't have one. " My voice was shaky and I tried to keep it steady. From the look on her face it didn't work that well.

" Don't you trust me ? " She asked, sitting beside me. " I've never given you a reason not too. "

" I know and I want to. I don't know why I've done the things I've done. " I said and I was instantly sorry as her eyes widen and she regarded me carefully.

" What do you mean, the things you've done ? " she asked, carefully.

I sighed and let my shoulders sag again. " I listened in on your phone call the night I got sick, when I found you in the living room. Then Hannah came by yesterday and told me that Evan was with you in your room. I sneaked up the trellis and watched you with him. Then earlier I listened to you on the phone again at the restaurant. "

She was on her feet looking down at me angrily. " Oh, my God. What the hell do you think you're doing ? I thought maybe you followed me tonight. I had no idea you've been spying on me like this. How could you do this ? You have no right. "

I nodded and refused to look at her. " I know. You're right. "

" This is your idea of a total, deep, supportive love ? " she fumed. " This is crazy. I've given you no reason to treat me like this. "

I agreed once again with a nod. Then I remembered what had brought her to the pool hall in the first place.

Suddenly I was on my feet as well, staring down at her much shorter frame. " Oh, yeah. Then maybe it's time you told me what it is that Fran is holding over your head. " My voice was louder than I intended it to be and I stepped back from her a pace.

" I'm not sure I want to tell you about it now. I had every intention of telling you when I got back here tonight, but now, I'm not sure how you'll react. I'm not sure I know you at all anymore. "

I flinched and fought the urge to look away from her. " I could always just call Fran. I'm sure she'd be more than happy to fill me in. "

She took a step back and stared at me with her mouth agape. " Did you just threaten me ? " she hissed.

" No, I'm just telling you I'm going to find out what the big secret is one way or the other. I'd rather hear it from you. " I informed her coldly.

I had no idea where all the anger I was feeling was coming from, but it was there and I couldn't stop it now. Somehow I suspected that I was more angry with myself than at her, but I was helplessly in the middle of this thing I had started and I couldn't back out now.

" I saw Evan once before I broke up with you last time. He kissed me. I wasn't planning it. He showed up at a party I was at and it just kind of happened. I felt horrible about it and I came to tell you the next day but you were passed out when I found you and I got angry and decided not to say anything. " She said before turning and stomping to the door. " Now you know the whole, bug ugly truth. Do you feel better about all the things you've been pulling lately ? Do you think a kiss at a party one night over a year ago justifies all the spying eavesdropping ? I can't believe you did this to us. After all that crap about being honest this time and tellign each other everything. " Tears sprang to her eyes suddenly as she continued to rant with her hand on the doorknob. " How dare you treat me like this ! I put everything on the line for you. I didn't lie to you about anything. And this is how you repay that. "

My gaze fell to the floor. I couldn't look at her. She was right. I had no right to be angry. She had all the right in the world.

I heard the doorknob turned and I took a step towards her to stop her and beg her not to leave, but she was already out the door before I got to her.


	21. Chapter 21

It had been a week since Casey left my room. I hadn't seen her since. She refused to answer her phone. Rusty, Wade and Beaver blew into my room occasionally, insisting I catch a class or eat something. But for the most part I sat alone, staring out my window at the roof of the ZBZ house and thinking about how badly I had managed to mess everything up.

I had tried to call her a couple of times, wanting her to know how sorry I was for everything and telling her she was completely right. She hadn't done anything to deserve what I had done to her. I left messages, hoping she would listen to them at least.

Rusty came by once to deliver my Lavaliere and it still sat exactly where he had put it on the corner of the desk, mocking me with its presence. I tried my best not to look at it, but my eyes always seemed to come back to it eventually, drawn to it like a horrible accident scene you just couldn't help staring at.

The music and loud talking coming from downstairs told me it must be Friday night. I didn't know for sure, having lost track of the days sometime before. It was an unimportant, mundane thing, the day of the week. I never noticed how little it really mattered before. I didn't care what day it was, what time it was. None of that meant anything. Nothing meant anything to me, when I really thought about it.

I forced myself off the bed long enough to shower and shave, maybe eat something if one of my friends waved food in my face, but then it was right back to the bed, hiding in my comfort zone, tuning everything else out.

At least I knew now that I was right, I would never get over losing her this time. I would never be able to pretend that I was okay again.

Someone was knocking at my door, but I didn't bother to answer. Whomever was disturbing my sanctuary knocked once again, then I heard the door opened. I was laying with my back to it, staring at the opposite wall.

" Cap, You need to get up. " I heard Rusty saying from behind me. But I just couldn't make myself care enough to turn towards him.

He paused for a few moments, I could feel his eyes on me, then suddenly I was being dragged to my feet against my will. Beaver had me by the arms pulling me until I was standing beside the bed.

" You are coming downstairs and getting out of this room for a while. " He told me as he looked down at me.

" I really don't' feel like a party. " I informed them and tried to climb back into bed, but his huge hand on my shoulder held me steady.

" Tough. Get dressed and come downstairs or I'm going to dress you and carry you there. " He said with a matter of fact tone that told me he was dead serious.

" Come on, Guys. I really don't want to go downstairs. I don't want to be around all those people right now. " I was whining and I hated the sound of my own voice.

" Then how about a movie ? " Rusty offered. " Just you and me. We'll go see whatever you want to see. "

I thought about that for a moment then I sighed and shrugged, knowing they weren't going to leave me alone until I agreed to something and this seemed to be the least challenging option.

That was the beginning of my forced attempt to continue on with my life. The rest of January was spent with my friends taking turns babysitting me, insisting I get up and get dressed and do something. Rusty liked to go away from campus. We went to the pool hall together, the movies, a concert once. Beaver and Wade usually stayed closer to home, with nights spent drinking and hanging out and days outside, either playing ball or playing with Fang, despite the freezing weather.

They refused to leave me alone, refused to let me just wallow in my own self misery and I appreciated that, grudgingly.

Occasionally I asked Rusty how Casey was and he would always hesitate before informing me that she was during okay. The election to replace Fran was scheduled for the last week of January and she was working hard to win everyone over to her side. Otherwise she was going to class, staying pretty close to home. She claimed she was too busy to get out much, but Rusty said, he suspected it was more because she was just as miserable as I was. It shouldn't have made me feel better to hear that, but it did and that just gave me one more reason to feel guilty.

It was the first week of February before I finally agreed to attend the first party I'd been to since December. Beaver had determined it was time I got out there again. Started trying to regain the old Cappie. I couldn't make him understand that the old Cappie didn't exist anymore. I was no longer interested in hiding behind the parties and the girls. I just didn't care about all that now. But he refused to listen, informing me that I needed to get laid.

I laughed at that and told him I had no intention getting laid. I really wasn't interested in that particular activity right then. He laughed back at me and said it was only because I hadn't seen what he had to offer me.

So here I was sitting in a chair in the corner of the living room, watching all the people moving around me and forcing myself to smile and pretend I was having a good time. I noticed Ashleigh flitting around and I almost went over to her, but I thought better of it. I didn't need to hear about Casey right then. I didn't want to know how well she was doing, how easily she had managed to regain her life after everything. So I continued to sit there, watching and sipping at my drink half-heartedly.

The next time I saw her she was with Beaver, Hannah and Rusty. They were standing off in a corner with their heads together discussing something that looked dire. I wondered for a moment if my name was coming up in the conversation, especially since every time I looked back at the little group, someone was looking back at me.

Hannah was the first one to break away and she came to sit beside me with an exaggerated sigh and a forced, weak smile.

" How's it going over here in the corner all by your lonesome ? " She asked, sweetly.

I nodded. " It's fine. How have you been ? " I really was curious about how she was adapting to life on campus, wondering how well she was fitting in with everyone.

" I'm good. I haven't seen you around much though. "

" I know. I haven't been around to be seen. "

" So are you almost done ? " She turned and looked me in the eye, leveling me with a no nonsense stare that caught me off guard.

" What do you mean ? " I asked, dropping her gaze and letting my eyes land on the drink in my hand.

" Are you almost done with the pity party ? It really doesn't look that good on you, you know, all the angst and drama. You have one of those faces that should be smiling. "

I chuckled, but kept my eyes on my glass. " I haven't had much reason to smile lately. "

She took my drink from my hand and sat it aside. " Okay, so are you going to continue to do nothing about that ? How's that working for you ? "

" What is it you suggest I do about it ? " I said, trying to get my drink back. But she waved me off.

She pretended to consider that for a moment. " Oh, let's see, " she told me. " You could start by getting off your ass and going to TALK TO CASEY. "

" Casey doesn't want to talk to me. " I informed her. " And I don't blame her. "

She rolled her eyes at me and looked impatient. " Yes, yes, you acted like an asshole. I don't blame her for being mad either. But I bet she's a lot more mad that you haven't even tried to talk to her. You act like you don't want her back. "

I looked away again and let my eyes land on Rusty who was standing across the room watching us closely. " So I take it you drew the short straw. "

She followed where I was looking and shifted a little. " No, I volunteered actually. We're all just really worried about both of you. "

" I heard Casey was doing okay. " I drew my gaze back to her.

" Well, she was. She was doing just fine. Then she won the election and now she just sits in her room unless she has to do something. She doesn't go out. She doesn't want to go to parties. She doesn't want to talk to anyone. She just sits there. Now, Ashleigh was threatened with bodily harm if she told you about this, but she didn't say anything about me telling you. So now you know. What are you going to do about it ? "

I studied her carefully for several long moments, considering my answer. " I guess I'm going to get off my ass and go talk to Casey. "

She smiled. " I was hoping you would say that. Our next plan was to lock you in a room together until you hashed everything out. I thought that was a little extreme. So thank you for saving us the trouble of trying to lure you both into the same place at the same time and finding a lock and all that. It sounded like more trouble than it was worth to me. " She leaned forward and whispered in a conspiratorial

tone, " Besides, how am I suppose to enjoy my new social life if the guy I want is spending all his time babysitting you ? "

She smiled brightly at me. " Who ? " I asked, in the same tone, feeling like a twelve year old girl.

She drew her eyes across the crowd and let them land on my very large best friend. " Beaver ? "

She just shook her head and let out a little giggle. " So if you've got yourself together for the moment, mopey boy, I'm going to get some face time in with a my latest crush. "

I just stared after her as she got up, kissed my cheek and disappeared into the crowd. Yeah, I decided, I really did like that girl.

After going up to my room to change, I headed across campus.

Outside the ZBZ house I was undecided as to what to do next. I could either ring the bell and take the chance that she wouldn't come down to talk to me, which would mean I would have to plow through a bunch of screaming girl and possibly even deal with campus security. Or I could just climb up the trellis and pop into he room unannounced, giving myself at least the chance of seeing her and then possibly having to deal with campus security.

My stomach did a little flip flop at just the thought of catching sight of her. So I chose to take the chance. I hadn't laid eyes on her in a month, there was no way I was going to miss the opportunity to do that, even if it was only just for a moment. Besides maybe seeing me would make her want to hear what I had to say. That was what I was hoping for anyway.

So I scaled up the side of the house, feeling like Spiderman crawling towards my Mary Jane. Yeah, I know, corny but it was the image that was stuck in my mind. My hands grazed over to the wood on the trellis and I almost fell all the way back to the ground as a rather large splinter embedded itself into my palm.

I guess I must have made a noise because the next thing I knew, the balcony door was opening above me and I saw Casey come out, wearing a white gown and robe. Her hair was blowing around her face as the wind caught it and she raised a hand to try and tame it back down. Her eyes scanned the night, looking for the source of the sound and she started as I jumped over the railing, landing with a thud on the floor beside her.

" What the hell are you doing ? You're going to kill yourself, you idiot. " she chided as recognition registered in her eyes.

" I needed to see you and I was afraid you wouldn't come downstairs if I rang the bell. " I explained, completely lost in staring at her.

" Yeah, well, you were right. I probably wouldn't have come down. What do you want ? Or are you just out here to spy on me ? " she had her hand resting on her hip and she was looking at me like she was angry. But I see the strain at the edges of her eyes.

" I have absolutely no excuse for all the things I did to you, except to say that I was so afraid I was going to lose you, I drove myself crazy. "

She turned around and walked back inside. I wasn't sure if I had just been dismissed or if I was supposed to follow her so I just stood there feeling and looking stupid until she stuck her head back out the door.

" Are you coming in or would you rather just stand out there and watch ? " she asked.

I shuffled my feet as I went inside and took the chair across from the bed she offered me. Then she went and sat down in the middle of the bed and looked at me expectantly.

I left my eyes slid around the room for a moment taken aback back it. It was beautiful and so completely Casey. The walls were a light pink. A glass and brass vanity sat on the wall opposite the bed, covered in various bottles and jars, with a large mirror framed with gold filigree casting my reflection back at me. She was looking in the mirror also and our eyes locked for a moment before she turned away and stared down at her hands in her lap. The bed she was sitting on was huge, a four poster brass, with a canopy draped in white gauzy material. Everything in the room scream beauty and elegance, it screamed Casey.

She drew my attention back to her when she shifted slightly and changed position, drawing her legs up beside her. " Why did you come here, Cappie ? "

" I came to see you. I needed to talk to you. " I answered.

" Yeah, you said that. So talk. I'm not sure why, but I'm listening. "

I sat forward in the chair, resting my elbows on my thighs, steadying my hands and trying to figure out what I wanted to say to her. I hadn't really expected to get this far when I left the house, so I hadn't taken the time to decide what I would do if she actually gave me the chance.

" I've missed you. " I said finally.

She sighed heavily. " I've missed you, too. "

" I heard you won the election. Congratulations. "

She stared at me like I was insane for a moment. " Are we really going to sit here and make small talk now ? " she demanded.

I went to the bed and sat beside her. " No, I didn't come here to make small talk. I want you to know how sorry I am. I would do anything to make it up to you. "

She didn't shoo me off the bed so I relaxed a little and turned to look at her. She wasn't happy. Her eyes flashed anger at me and I flinched, bracing myself for the tirade I was sure was about to come.

But instead she just shook her head. " I don't even know what to say. In a weird way I understand. I mean, I did have Ashleigh and Jenn follow Evan. But he gave me a reason to distrust him. I never did. Not once. Why would you even think I wasn't being honest with you ? "

" I don't know, maybe because we spent over a year lying to each other. And I was afraid I was going to lose you again. " I answered.

" I said I loved you. I made sure you knew that you were my choice. I thought I made it pretty clear that I wasn't going anywhere. " she countered.

I took a deep breath and blew it out quickly. " Okay, I'll tell you. You remember the night I found you at the Lite and Easy ? " she nodded. " Watching you walk out the door the next morning was the worse thing I have ever experienced. I was so afraid of having to go through that again. I was afraid that deep down you were just using me again. And I needed to know for sure. "

She blinked at me with an expression on her face that I couldn't read, but I didn't. " How could you even think that about me. " she whispered. " You thought everything this Christmas was just me using you ? You think so little of me, that you believe I'm capable of manipulating you like that ? "

I held my hand out to stop her as tears started to stream down her face. " I didn't think you were purposely using me. That isn't what I meant. Please, Casey. "

I made to move closer to her and pull her against me but she jerked away from me. " Don't ! You really do see me as some evil terrible thing, don't you ? "

I stood and started to pace across the pale pink plush carpet covering the floor. " Of course I don't see you as evil or terrible. "

" Then how could even imagine that I didn't mean all the things I said over the holiday ? " She spat.

I thought back to all the talks we had over Christmas about the future and children and being together forever. My mind drifted back to those feeling of being closer to her than I had ever been to anyone in my life and I couldn't stop the tears that were falling from my eyes this time. I sank back onto the bed beside her.

" God, Casey. I'm so sorry. " I told her without looking at her.

" I knew this was going to happen when we got back here. I knew all the bullshit that goes on around here would ruin us. I expected Evan or Rebbecca would do something to ruin us. I never imagined it would be you. " her voice was small and weak and muffled against her hands.

I turned and saw her there, her knees draw up to her chest, tears running down her cheeks Her hair a messy frame for a face distorted by pain and my heart stopped. I was the cause of that. I had done that to her. Caused her all the pain. There really was no one else to blame once again. Once again it was all me and I wondered if I ever deserved her to begin with.

" I should go. " I said standing and turning from her. " I didn't mean to make things worse. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything. "

She grabbed my arm to stop me. " That's it. " she spat angrily. " You just come over here, make me even more miserable than I was before, which was, let me tell you, pretty damned miserable, and then you're just going to leave. "

" I don't know what else to say, besides I'm sorry. " I answered.

" Tell me that this Christmas meant something to you as well. I have been sitting her for a month, a solid month waiting for you to show up here, to tell me you were sorry and that you loved me. I was beginning to think that you really didn't care about all this. Rusty refuses to tell me anything about you. Hannah says she never sees you. A few people thought you might have left. Where do you get off, acting like such a jerk and then not even trying to tell me you were sorry. "

I blinked at her in disbelief. " You've been waiting for me to come and apologize all this time ? I tried to call you but you never answered. "

She snorted and rolled her eyes. " You tried to call for the first two days after the fight. I was angry and hurt then. You didn't even make an effort after that. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought you just brushed the whole thing off and moved along with your life. " She paused and cocked her head to the side considering me carefully. " You know what you're problem is ? " she asked. " You're so damned busy waiting for the other shoe to drop that you can't even accept the fact that it might not be there at all. I know exactly what you've been doing. "

I looked away from her, letting my eyes fall to the space separating us. " You might as well sit down. Cause I intend to say what I want to say and it might take a minute. " She told me and I did as she suggested, settling into the spot beside her stiffly.

" You have been sitting over there in your room feeling sorry for yourself and being absolutely convinced that there was no way I would ever forgive me. You didn't even offer me the chance. So who was it ? "

I looked up at her when I noticed she was waiting for an answer. " Who was what ? " I finally mumbled.

" Who convinced you to get up off your ass and come over here ? "

" Hannah, " I answered, so shocked that I barely registered saying the word.

" Oh, don't look like that. I know you, Cappie. I know you better than anyone else in this entire world. Don't you think I know what you must have been going through to sink so low as to spy on me outside my window ? Has it occurred to you that I might understand something about that kind of fearing of losing someone you care so much about ? "

" I'm sorry - " I began but she cut me off.

" Stop telling me you're sorry. I know you're sorry. I know how guilty you feel. Like I said, I've been there. Tell me something besides I'm sorry. " she demanded.

I took a deep breath and turned to her finally letting myself look at her. " Alright. How about, I miss you so much, I can't get out of bed. I feel so horrible about everything I don't deserve to even be in the same room with you. I can't stop thinking about all the things we talked about over Christmas and I want to shot myself for ruining all that. " I began. " I don't expect you to forgive me for any of the things I did. How could I possibly come over here and beg your forgiveness when I can't forgive myself ? "

A slow smile spread across her face. " Well, that's definitely a start. "

I blinked in surprise once again. " What are you saying ? "

" I'm saying that that was all I wanted to hear. You could have saved us both a whole lot of heartache over the last month if you had just come here and told me all of that. Now, do you have more to say or are you done ? " She asked, sliding a little closer to me.

I took one of her hands in mine and held it tightly as I looked up into her eyes. " I promise to never doubt you again. I never should have doubted you to begin with. Tell me what I can do to make this right. "

She nodded. " Okay. Kiss me. "

I was so shocked I didn't move for a minute and she rolled her eyes and gave me another smile. " I'm not going to tell you again. You're about to miss your chance. "

Her words sparked me into action and I dove for her, covering her lips with mine and pulling her so tightly against me neither of us could breath.

When we finally broke apart for much needed air, she pulled away from me slightly. " Promise me there isn't going to be anymore secrets. Promise me that if you ever feel like something is coming between us again, you'll talk to me instead of running around behind my back "

" I promised, " I answered honestly. " I will never even so much as open your junk mail again. I will leave the room every time you're on the phone and I will never, ever, ever hide outside your window again. "

" I need to hear more than that. I need you to tell me you trust me. That you know this is where I want to be and that you don't doubt that anymore. You have to believe me when I tell you I love you and I want you. " She said as her eyes penetrated mine, staring beyond them into my soul.

" I do trust you. I believe you. I don't know how I could have ever doubted it in the first place. I love you so much. It's just so hard to believe that you could feel that way about me. " I answered, looking back at her just as intensely.

" Well, I do and you have to trust that. I love you so much it scares me. I never want to be without you again. " She told me.

"I believe you, but I might need to be reminded from time to time. " I managed a smile as I drew my eyes from hers and let them land on her lips.

I watched spellbound as her tongue snaked out to moisten them. " And how should I do that ? "

" Like this. " I whispered before dropping my mouth to hers and covering her wet lips.

I pulled away from her for a moment and reached into my pocket, dragging out a gold chain from inside. She glanced at my hand questioningly. Then smiled as she saw what I was holding.

" I really thought that maybe if I sent that back to you, it might inspire you to do something. " She told me as she moved her hair aside to allow me to fasten the Lavaliere round her neck.

" It almost did. " I answered. " I almost came over that night. "

" I was expecting you all night. It almost killed me when you didn't show. " She said, sadly.

" Why didn't you come to me if you knew what was going on ? "

" Oh, no, Mister. " she smiled. " You were the one that messed up this time. You had to be the one to at least try to fix it. I do have a little bit of female pride left. "

I laughed and pulled her back to me. " I'm sorry I took so long before coming here. You're right I should have been here the night after everything happened and then every night after that. I should never have let you go without fighting for you. But I really didn't feel like I deserved you after everything. "

She sighed and kissed me quickly. " Well, you probably don't deserve me, but that doesn't matter. You are the one I choose. You are what I want. So whether you deserve me or not, you're stuck with me. "

I chuckled. " I will happily be stuck with you as long as you'll have me. "


	22. Chapter 22

Authors Note

Okay, for everyone I invited to my new yahoo Greek group, I didn't put the link in right, I forgot the last backslash. So the address is correct on my profile under my homepage. For some reason it won't let me type it correctly in this message. So you have to go there to find it, or if you need me to send it to you in a PM- just drop me a line and I'll be happy to hook you up.

For everyone I haven't had a chance to invite, I would love for you to pop over and join up.  
I'm planning on doing a weekly topic about the week's episode. A recap for anyone that might have missed it, plus the URL where you can catch it. Plus a teaser for the up coming episode, News and website address for everything Greek, pics of the cast, etc., etc., etc. Even a place to post your fan fictions.

So come on over and join us. You know you want to. How can you resist this much Greek !


End file.
